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but how would you get rid of them？'
'I would have the Church exert its authority。'
'What do you mean by exerting its authority？'
'I would not have the Church bear the sword in vain。'
'What； the sword of St。 Peter？ You remember what the founder of
the religion which you profess said about the sword； 〃He who
striketh with it 。。。 〃 I think those who have called themselves
the Church have had enough of the sword。 Two can play with the
sword； Mr。 Platitude。 The Church of Rome tried the sword with the
Lutherans： how did it fare with the Church of Rome？ The Church of
England tried the sword； Mr。 Platitude； with the Puritans： how did
it fare with Laud and Charles？'
'Oh； as for the Church of England；' said Mr。 Platitude； 'I have
little to say。 Thank God； I left all my Church of England
prejudices in Italy。 Had the Church of England known its true
interests； it would long ago have sought a reconciliation with its
illustrious mother。 If the Church of England had not been in some
degree a schismatic church； it would not have fared so ill at the
time of which you are speaking； the rest of the Church would have
come to its assistance。 The Irish would have helped it； so would
the French； so would the Portuguese。 Disunion has always been the
bane of the Church。'
Once more I fell into a reverie。 My mind now reverted to the past；
methought I was in a small comfortable room wainscoted with oak； I
was seated on one side of a fireplace； close by a table on which
were wine and fruit； on the other side of the fire sat a man in a
plain suit of brown； with the hair combed back from his somewhat
high forehead； he had a pipe in his mouth； which for some time he
smoked gravely and placidly； without saying a word； at length；
after drawing at the pipe for some time rather vigorously； he
removed it from his mouth； and； emitting an accumulated cloud of
smoke； he exclaimed in a slow and measured tone； 'As I was telling
you just now； my good chap； I have always been an enemy to humbug。'
When I awoke from my reverie the Reverend Mr。 Platitude was
quitting the apartment。
'Who is that person？' said I to my entertainer； as the door closed
behind him。
'Who is he？' said my host； 'why； the Reverend Mr。 Platitude。'
'Does he reside in this neighbourhood？'
'He holds a living about three miles from here； his history； as far
as I am acquainted with it； is as follows。 His father was a
respectable tanner in the neighbouring town； who； wishing to make
his son a gentleman； sent him to college。 Having never been at
college myself； I cannot say whether he took the wisest course； I
believe it is more easy to unmake than to make a gentleman； I have
known many gentlemanly youths go to college； and return anything
but what they went。 Young Mr。 Platitude did not go to college a
gentleman； but neither did he return one： he went to college an
ass； and returned a prig； to his original folly was superadded a
vast quantity of conceit。 He told his father that he had adopted
high principles； and was determined to discountenance everything
low and mean； advised him to eschew trade； and to purchase him a
living。 The old man retired from business； purchased his son a
living； and shortly after died； leaving him what remained of his
fortune。 The first thing the Reverend Mr。 Platitude did； after his
father's decease； was to send his mother and sister into Wales to
live upon a small annuity； assigning as a reason that he was averse
to anything low； and that they talked ungrammatically。 Wishing to
shine in the pulpit； he now preached high sermons； as he called
them； interspersed with scraps of learning。 His sermons did not；
however； procure him much popularity； on the contrary； his church
soon became nearly deserted； the greater part of his flock going
over to certain dissenting preachers； who had shortly before made
their appearance in the neighbourhood。 Mr。 Platitude was filled
with wrath； and abused Dissenters in most unmeasured terms。 Coming
in contact with some of the preachers at a public meeting； he was
rash enough to enter into argument with them。 Poor Platitude！ he
had better have been quiet； he appeared like a child； a very
infant； in their grasp； he attempted to take shelter under his
college learning； but found； to his dismay； that his opponents knew
more Greek and Latin than himself。 These illiterate boors； as he
had supposed them； caught him at once in a false concord； and Mr。
Platitude had to slink home overwhelmed with shame。 To avenge
himself he applied to the ecclesiastical court； but was told that
the Dissenters could not be put down by the present ecclesiastical
law。 He found the Church of England； to use his own expression； a
poor； powerless； restricted Church。 He now thought to improve his
consequence by marriage； and made up to a rich and beautiful young
lady in the neighbourhood； the damsel measured him from head to
foot with a pair of very sharp eyes； dropped a curtsey； and refused
him。 Mr。 Platitude； finding England a very stupid place；
determined to travel； he went to Italy； how he passed his time
there he knows best； to other people it is a matter of little
importance。 At the end of two years he returned with a real or
assumed contempt for everything English； and especially for the
Church to which he belongs； and out of which he is supported。 He
forthwith gave out that he had left behind him all his Church of
England prejudices； and； as a proof thereof； spoke against
sacerdotal wedlock and the toleration of schismatics。 In an evil
hour for myself he was introduced to me by a clergyman of my
acquaintance； and from that time I have been pestered； as I was
this morning； at least once a week。 I seldom enter into any
discussion with him； but fix my eyes on the portrait over the
mantelpiece； and endeavour to conjure up some comic idea or
situation； whilst he goes on talking tomfoolery by the hour about
Church authority； schismatics； and the unlawfulness of sacerdotal
wedlock； occasionally he brings with him a strange kind of being；
whose acquaintance he says he made in Italy； I believe he is some
sharking priest who has come over to proselytise and plunder。 This
being has some powers of conversation and some learning； but
carries the countenance of an arch villain； Platitude is evidently
his tool。'
'Of what religion are you？' said I to my host。
'That of the Vicar of Wakefield … good； quiet； Church of England；
which would live and let live； practises charity； and rails at no
one； where the priest is the husband of one wife； takes care of his
family and his parish … such is the religion for me； though I
confess I have hitherto thought too little of religious matters。
When； however； I have completed this plaguy work on which I am
engaged； I hope to be able to devote more attention to them。'
After some further conversation； the subjects being； if I remember
right； college education； priggism； church authority； tomfoolery；
and the like； I rose and said to my host； 'I must now leave you。'
'Whither are you going？'
'I do not know。'
'Stay here； then … you shall be welcome as many days； months； and
years as you please to stay。'
'Do you think I would hang upon another man？ No； not if he were
Emperor of all the Chinas。 I will now make my preparations； and
then bid you farewell。'
I retired to my apartment and collected the handful of things which
I carried with me on my travels。
'I will walk a little way with you；' said my friend on my return。
He walked with me to the park gate； neither of us said anything by
the way。 When we had come upon the road； I said； 'Farewell now； I
will not permit you to give yourself any further trouble on my
account。 Receive my best thanks for your kindness； before we part；
however； I should wish to ask you a question。 Do you think you
shall ever grow tired of authorship？'
'I have my fears；' said my friend； advancing his hand to one of the
iron bars of the gate。
'Don't touch；' said I； 'it is a bad habit。 I have but one word to
add： should you ever grow tired of authorship follow your first
idea of getting into Parliament； you have words enough at command；
perhaps you want manner and method； but； in that case； you must
apply to a teacher； you must take lessons of a master of
elocution。'
'That would never do！' said my host； 'I know myself too well to
think of applying for assistance to any one。 Were I to become a
parliamentary orator； I should wish to be an original one； even if
not above mediocrity。 What pleasure should I take in any speech I
might make； however original as to thought； provided the gestures I
employed and the very modulation of my voice were not my own？ Take
lessons； indeed！ why