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False concord … The damsel … What religion？ … Further conversation
… That would never do！ … May you prosper。
DURING the greater part of that night my slumbers were disturbed by
strange dreams。 Amongst other things； I fancied that I was my
host； my head appeared to be teeming with wild thoughts and
imaginations； out of which I was endeavouring to frame a book。 And
now the book was finished and given to the world； and the world
shouted； and all eyes were turned upon me； and I shrank from the
eyes of the world。 And； when I got into retired places； I touched
various objects in order to baffle the evil chance。 In short；
during the whole night； I was acting over the story which I had
heard before I went to bed。
At about eight o'clock I awoke。 The storm had long since passed
away； and the morning was bright and shining； my couch was so soft
and luxurious that I felt loth to quit it； so I lay some time； my
eyes wandering about the magnificent room to which fortune had
conducted me in so singular a manner； at last I heaved a sigh； I
was thinking of my own homeless condition； and imagining where I
should find myself on the following morning。 Unwilling； however；
to indulge in melancholy thoughts； I sprang out of bed and
proceeded to dress myself； and； whilst dressing； I felt an
irresistible inclination to touch the bed…post。
I finished dressing and left the room； feeling compelled； however；
as I left it； to touch the lintel of the door。 Is it possible；
thought I； that from what I have lately heard the long…forgotten
influence should have possessed me again？ but I will not give way
to it； so I hurried downstairs； resisting as I went a certain
inclination which I occasionally felt to touch the rail of the
banister。 I was presently upon the gravel walk before the house：
it was indeed a glorious morning。 I stood for some time observing
the golden fish disporting in the waters of the pond； and then
strolled about amongst the noble trees of the park； the beauty and
freshness of the morning … for the air had been considerably cooled
by the late storm … soon enabled me to cast away the gloomy ideas
which had previously taken possession of my mind； and； after a
stroll of about half an hour； I returned towards the house in high
spirits。 It is true that once I felt very much inclined to go and
touch the leaves of a flowery shrub which I saw at some distance；
and had even moved two or three paces towards it； but； bethinking
myself； I manfully resisted the temptation。 'Begone！' I exclaimed；
'ye sorceries； in which I formerly trusted … begone for ever
vagaries which I had almost forgotten； good luck is not to be
obtained； or bad averted； by magic touches； besides； two wizards in
one parish would be too much； in all conscience。'
I returned to the house； and entered the library； breakfast was
laid on the table； and my friend was standing before the portrait
which I have already said hung above the mantelpiece； so intently
was he occupied in gazing at it that he did not hear me enter； nor
was aware of my presence till I advanced close to him and spoke；
when he turned round and shook me by the hand。
'What can possibly have induced you to hang up that portrait in
your library？ it is a staring likeness； it is true； but it appears
to me a wretched daub。'
'Daub as you call it；' said my friend； smiling； 'I would not part
with it for the best piece of Rafael。 For many a happy thought I
am indebted to that picture … it is my principal source of
inspiration； when my imagination flags； as of course it
occasionally does； I stare upon those features； and forthwith
strange ideas of fun and drollery begin to flow into my mind； these
I round； amplify； or combine into goodly creations； and bring forth
as I find an opportunity。 It is true that I am occasionally
tormented by the thought that； by doing this； I am committing
plagiarism； though； in that case； all thoughts must be plagiarisms；
all that we think being the result of what we hear； see； or feel。
What can I do？ I must derive my thoughts from some source or
other； and； after all； it is better to plagiarise from the features
of my landlord than from the works of Butler and Cervantes。 My
works； as you are aware； are of a serio…comic character。 My
neighbours are of opinion that I am a great reader； and so I am；
but only of those features … my real library is that picture。'
'But how did you obtain it？' said I。
'Some years ago a travelling painter came into this neighbourhood；
and my jolly host； at the request of his wife； consented to sit for
his portrait； she highly admired the picture； but she soon died；
and then my fat friend； who is of an affectionate disposition； said
he could not bear the sight of it； as it put him in mind of his
poor wife。 I purchased it of him for five pounds … I would not
take five thousand for it； when you called that picture a daub； you
did not see all the poetry of it。'
We sat down to breakfast； my entertainer appeared to be in much
better spirits than on the preceding day； I did not observe him
touch once； ere breakfast was over a servant entered … 'The
Reverend Mr。 Platitude； sir；' said he。
A shade of dissatisfaction came over the countenance of my host。
'What does the silly pestilent fellow mean by coming here？' said
he； half to himself； 'let him come in；' said he to the servant。
The servant went out； and in a moment reappeared； introducing the
Reverend Mr。 Platitude。 The Reverend Mr。 Platitude； having what is
vulgarly called a game leg； came shambling into the room； he was
about thirty years of age； and about five feet three inches high；
his face was of the colour of pepper； and nearly as rugged as a
nutmeg…grater； his hair was black； with his eyes he squinted； and
grinned with his lips； which were very much apart； disclosing two
very irregular rows of teeth； he was dressed in the true Levitical
fashion； in a suit of spotless black； and a neckerchief of spotless
white。
The Reverend Mr。 Platitude advanced winking and grinning to my
entertainer； who received him politely but with evident coldness；
nothing daunted； however； the Reverend Mr。 Platitude took a seat by
the table； and； being asked to take a cup of coffee； winked；
grinned； and consented。
In company I am occasionally subject to fits of what is generally
called absence； my mind takes flight and returns to former scenes；
or presses forward into the future。 One of these fits of absence
came over me at this time … I looked at the Reverend Mr。 Platitude
for a moment； heard a word or two that proceeded from his mouth；
and saying to myself； 'You are no man for me；' fell into a fit of
musing … into the same train of thought as in the morning； no very
pleasant one … I was thinking of the future。
I continued in my reverie for some time； and probably should have
continued longer； had I not been suddenly aroused by the voice of
Mr。 Platitude raised to a very high key。 'Yes； my dear sir；' said
he； 'it is but too true； I have it on good authority … a gone
church … a lost church … a ruined church … a demolished church is
the Church of England。 Toleration to Dissenters！ … oh； monstrous！'
'I suppose；' said my host； 'that the repeal of the Test Acts will
be merely a precursor of the emancipation of the Papists？'
'Of the Catholics；' said the Reverend Mr。 Platitude。 'Ahem。 There
was a time； as I believe you are aware； my dear sir； when I was as
much opposed to the emancipation of the Catholics as it was
possible for any one to be； but I was prejudiced； my dear sir；
labouring under a cloud of most unfortunate prejudice； but I thank
my Maker I am so no longer。 I have travelled； as you are aware。
It is only by travelling that one can rub off prejudices； I think
you will agree with me there。 I am speaking to a traveller。 I
left behind all my prejudices in Italy。 The Catholics are at least
our fellow…Christians。 I thank Heaven that I am no longer an enemy
to Catholic emancipation。'
'And yet you would not tolerate Dissenters？'
'Dissenters； my dear sir； I hope you would not class such a set as
the Dissenters with Catholics？'
'Perhaps it would be unjust；' said my host； 'though to which of the
two parties is another thing； but permit me to ask you a question：
Does it not smack somewhat of paradox to talk of Catholics； whilst
you admit there are Dissenters？ If there are Dissenters； how
should there be Catholics？'
'It is not my fault that there are Dissenters；' said the Reverend
Mr。 Platitude； 'if I had my will I would neither admit there were
any； nor permit any to be。'
'Of course you would admit there were such as long as they existed；
but how would you get rid of them？'
'I would have the Church exert its authority