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touching every object that came in my way for six months； I at
length flung my book； I mean the copy of it which I possessed； into
the fire； and began another。
'But it was all in vain； I laboured at this other； finished it； and
gave it to the world； and no sooner had I done so； than the same
thought was busy in my brain； poisoning all the pleasure which I
should otherwise have derived from my work。 How did I get all the
matter which composed it？ Out of my own mind； unquestionably； but
how did it come there … was it the indigenous growth of the mind？
And then I would sit down and ponder over the various scenes and
adventures in my book； endeavouring to ascertain how I came
originally to devise them； and by dint of reflecting I remembered
that to a single word in conversation； or some simple accident in a
street or on a road； I was indebted for some of the happiest
portions of my work； they were but tiny seeds； it is true； which in
the soil of my imagination had subsequently become stately trees；
but I reflected that without them no stately trees would have been
produced； and that； consequently； only a part in the merit of these
compositions which charmed the world … for the did charm the world
… was due to myself。 Thus； a dead fly was in my phial； poisoning
all the pleasure which I should otherwise have derived from the
result of my brain…sweat。 〃How hard！〃 I would exclaim； looking up
to the sky； 〃how hard！ I am like Virgil's sheep； bearing fleeces
not for themselves。〃 But； not to tire you； it fared with my second
work as it did with my first； I flung it aside； and； in order to
forget it； I began a third； on which I am now occupied； but the
difficulty of writing it is immense； my extreme desire to be
original sadly cramping the powers of my mind； my fastidiousness
being so great that I invariably reject whatever ideas I do not
think to be legitimately my own。 But there is one circumstance to
which I cannot help alluding here； as it serves to show what
miseries this love of originality must needs bring upon an author。
I am constantly discovering that； however original I may wish to
be； I am continually producing the same things which other people
say or write。 Whenever； after producing something which gives me
perfect satisfaction； and which has cost me perhaps days and nights
of brooding； I chance to take up a book for the sake of a little
relaxation； a book which I never saw before； I am sure to find in
it something more or less resembling some part of what I have been
just composing。 You will easily conceive the distress which then
comes over me； 'tis then that I am almost tempted to execrate the
chance which； by discovering my latent powers； induced me to adopt
a profession of such anxiety and misery。
'For some time past I have given up reading almost entirely； owing
to the dread which I entertain of lighting upon something similar
to what I myself have written。 I scarcely ever transgress without
having almost instant reason to repent。 To…day； when I took up the
newspaper； I saw in a speech of the Duke of Rhododendron； at an
agricultural dinner； the very same ideas； and almost the same
expressions which I had put into the mouth of an imaginary
personage of mine； on a widely different occasion； you saw how I
dashed the newspaper down … you saw how I touched the floor； the
touch was to baffle the evil chance； to prevent the critics
detecting any similarity between the speech of the Duke of
Rhododendron at the agricultural dinner and the speech of my
personage。 My sensibility on the subject of my writings is so
great that sometimes a chance word is sufficient to unman me； I
apply it to them in a superstitious sense； for example； when you
said some time ago that the dark hour was coming on； I applied it
to my works … it appeared to bode them evil fortune； you saw how I
touched； it was to baffle the evil chance； but I do not confine
myself to touching when the fear of the evil chance is upon me。 To
baffle it I occasionally perform actions which must appear highly
incomprehensible； I have been known； when riding in company with
other people； to leave the direct road； and make a long circuit by
a miry lane to the place to which we were going。 I have also been
seen attempting to ride across a morass； where I had no business
whatever； and in which my horse finally sank up to its saddle…
girths； and was only extricated by the help of a multitude of
hands。 I have； of course； frequently been asked the reason of such
conduct； to which I have invariably returned no answer； for I scorn
duplicity； whereupon people have looked mysteriously； and sometimes
put their fingers to their foreheads。 〃And yet it can't be；〃 I
once heard an old gentleman say； 〃don't we know what he is capable
of？〃 and the old man was right； I merely did these things to avoid
the evil chance； impelled by the strange feeling within me； and
this evil chance is invariably connected with my writings； the only
things at present which render life valuable to me。 If I touch
various objects； and ride into miry places； it is to baffle any
mischance befalling me as an author； to prevent my books getting
into disrepute； in nine cases out of ten to prevent any
expressions； thoughts； or situations in any work which I am writing
from resembling the thoughts； expressions； and situations of other
authors； for my great wish； as I told you before； is to be
original。
'I have now related my history； and have revealed to you the
secrets of my inmost bosom。 I should certainly not have spoken so
unreservedly as I have done； had I not discovered in you a kindred
spirit。 I have long wished for an opportunity of discoursing on
the point which forms the peculiar feature of my history with a
being who could understand me； and truly it was a lucky chance
which brought you to these parts； you who seem to be acquainted
with all things strange and singular； and who are as well
acquainted with the subject of the magic touch as with all that
relates to the star Jupiter or the mysterious tree at Upsal。'
Such was the story which my host related to me in the library；
amidst the darkness； occasionally broken by flashes of lightning。
Both of us remained silent for some time after it was concluded。
'It is a singular story；' said I； at last； 'though I confess that I
was prepared for some part of it。 Will you permit me to ask you a
question？'
'Certainly；' said my host。
'Did you never speak in public？' said I。
'Never。'
'And when you made this speech of yours in the dining…room；
commencing with Mr。 Speaker； no one was present？'
'None in the world； I double…locked the door； what do you mean？'
'An idea came into my head … dear me how the rain is pouring … but；
with respect to your present troubles and anxieties； would it not
be wise； seeing that authorship causes you so much trouble and
anxiety； to give it up altogether？'
'Were you an author yourself；' replied my host； 'you would not talk
in this manner； once an author； ever an author … besides； what
could I do？ return to my former state of vegetation？ no； much as I
endure； I do not wish that； besides； every now and then my reason
tells me that these troubles and anxieties of mine are utterly
without； foundation that whatever I write is the legitimate growth
of my own mind； and that it is the height of folly to afflict
myself at any chance resemblance between my own thoughts and those
of other writers； such resemblance being inevitable from the fact
of our common human origin。 In short … '
'I understand you；' said I； 'notwithstanding your troubles and
anxieties you find life very tolerable； has your originality ever
been called in question？'
'On the contrary； every one declares that originality constitutes
the most remarkable feature of my writings； the man has some
faults； they say； but want of originality is certainly not one of
them。 He is quite different from others … a certain newspaper； it
is true； the … I think； once insinuated that in a certain work of
mine I had taken a hint or two from the writings of a couple of
authors which it mentioned； it happened； however； that I had never
even read one syllable of the writings of either； and of one of
them had never even heard the name； so much for the discrimination
of the …。 By the bye； what a rascally newspaper that is！'
'A very rascally newspaper；' said I。
CHAPTER LXVII
Disturbed slumbers … The bed…post … Two wizards … What can I do？ …
Real library … The Rev。 Mr。 Platitude … Toleration to Dissenters …
Paradox … Sword of St。 Peter … Enemy to humbug … High principles …
False concord … The damsel … What religion？ … Further conversation
… That would never do！ … May you prosper。