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I discovered hostility to order； a constant escaping from control。
The current of living and contemporary ideas in which my mind was
presently swimming made all in the same direction； in place of my
mother's attentive； meticulous but occasionally extremely irascible
Providence； the talk was all of the Struggle for Existenc and the
survival not of the Bestthat was nonsense； but of the fittest to
survive。
The attempts to rehabilitate Faith in the form of the
Individualist's LAISSEZ FAIRE never won upon me。 I disliked Herbert
Spencer all my life until I read his autobiography； and then I
laughed a little and loved him。 I remember as early as the City
Merchants' days how Britten and I scoffed at that pompous question…
begging word 〃Evolution；〃 having； so to speak； found it out。
Evolution； some illuminating talker had remarked at the Britten
lunch table； had led not only to man； but to the liver…fluke and
skunk； obviously it might lead anywhere； order came into things only
through the struggling mind of man。 That lit things wonderfully for
us。 When I went up to Cambridge I was perfectly clear that life was
a various and splendid disorder of forces that the spirit of man
sets itself to tame。 I have never since fallen away from that
persuasion。
I do not think I was exceptionally precocious in reaching these
conclusions and a sort of religious finality for myself by eighteen
or nineteen。 I know men and women vary very much in these matters；
just as children do in learning to talk。 Some will chatter at
eighteen months and some will hardly speak until three； and the
thing has very little to do with their subsequent mental quality。
So it is with young people； some will begin their religious； their
social； their sexual interests at fourteen； some not until far on in
the twenties。 Britten and I belonged to one of the precocious
types； and Cossington very probably to another。 It wasn't that
there was anything priggish about any of us； we should have been
prigs to have concealed our spontaneous interests and ape the
theoretical boy。
The world of man centred for my imagination in London； it still
centres there； the real and present world； that is to say； as
distinguished from the wonder…lands of atomic and microscopic
science and the stars and future time。 I had travelled scarcely at
all； I had never crossed the Channel； but I had read copiously and I
had formed a very good working idea of this round globe with its
mountains and wildernesses and forests and all the sorts and
conditions of human life that were scattered over its surface。 It
was all alive； I felt； and changing every day； how it was changing；
and the changes men might bring about； fascinated my mind beyond
measure。
I used to find a charm in old maps that showed The World as Known to
the Ancients； and I wish I could now without any suspicion of self…
deception write down compactly the world as it was known to me at
nineteen。 So far as extension went it was； I fancy； very like the
world I know now at forty…two； I had practically all the mountains
and seas； boundaries and races； products and possibilities that I
have now。 But its intension was very different。 All the interval
has been increasing and deepening my social knowledge； replacing
crude and second…hand impressions by felt and realised distinctions。
In 1895that was my last year with Britten； for I went up to
Cambridge in Septembermy vision of the world had much the same
relation to the vision I have to…day that an ill…drawn daub of a
mask has to the direct vision of a human face。 Britten and I looked
at our world and sawwhat did we see？ Forms and colours side by
side that we had no suspicion were interdependent。 We had no
conception of the roots of things nor of the reaction of things。 It
did not seem to us； for example； that business had anything to do
with government； or that money and means affected the heroic issues
of war。 There were no wagons in our war game； and where there were
guns； there it was assumed the ammunition was gathered together。
Finance again was a sealed book to us； we did not so much connect it
with the broad aspects of human affairs as regard it as a sort of
intrusive nuisance to be earnestly ignored by all right…minded men。
We had no conception of the quality of politics； nor how 〃interests〃
came into such affairs； we believed men were swayed by purely
intellectual convictions and were either right or wrong； honest or
dishonest （in which ease they deserved to be shot）； good or bad。 We
knew nothing of mental inertia； and could imagine the opinion of a
whole nation changed by one lucid and convincing exposition。 We
were capable of the most incongruous transfers from the scroll of
history to our own times； we could suppose Brixton ravaged and
Hampstead burnt in civil wars for the succession to the throne； or
Cheapside a lane of death and the front of the Mansion House set
about with guillotines in the course of an accurately transposed
French Revolution。 We rebuilt London by Act of Parliament； and once
in a mood of hygienic enterprise we transferred its population EN
MASSE to the North Downs by an order of the Local Government Board。
We thought nothing of throwing religious organisations out of
employment or superseding all the newspapers by freely distributed
bulletins。 We could contemplate the possibility of laws abolishing
whole classes； we were equal to such a dream as the peaceful and
orderly proclamation of Communism from the steps of St。 Paul's
Cathedral； after the passing of a simply worded bill；a close and
not unnaturally an exciting division carrying the third reading。 I
remember quite distinctly evolving that vision。 We were then fully
fifteen and we were perfectly serious about it。 We were not fools；
it was simply that as yet we had gathered no experience at all of
the limits and powers of legislation and conscious collective
intention。 。 。 。
I think this statement does my boyhood justice； and yet I have my
doubts。 It is so hard now to say what one understood and what one
did not understand。 It isn't only that every day changed one's
general outlook； but also that a boy fluctuates between phases of
quite adult understanding and phases of tawdrily magnificent
puerility。 Sometimes I myself was in those tumbrils that went along
Cheapside to the Mansion House； a Sydney Cartonesque figure； a white
defeated Mirabean； sometimes it was I who sat judging and condemning
and ruling （sleeping in my clothes and feeding very simply） the soul
and autocrat of the Provisional Government； which occupied； of all
inconvenient places！ the General Post Office at St。 Martin's…le…
Grand！ 。 。 。
I cannot trace the development of my ideas at Cambridge； but I
believe the mere physical fact of going two hours' journey away from
London gave that place for the first time an effect of unity in my
imagination。 I got outside London。 It became tangible instead of
being a frame almost as universal as sea and sky。
At Cambridge my ideas ceased to live in a duologue； in exchange for
Britten； with whom； however； I corresponded lengthily； stylishly and
self…consciously for some years； I had now a set of congenial
friends。 I got talk with some of the younger dons； I learnt to
speak in the Union； and in my little set we were all pretty busily
sharpening each other's wits and correcting each other's
interpretations。 Cambridge made politics personal and actual。 At
City Merchants' we had had no sense of effective contact； we
boasted； it is true； an under secretary and a colonial governor
among our old boys； but they were never real to us； such
distinguished sons as returned to visit the old school were allusive
and pleasant in the best Pinky Dinky style； and pretended to be in
earnest about nothing but our football and cricket； to mourn the
abolition of 〃water；〃 and find a shuddering personal interest in the
ancient swishing block。 At Cambridge I felt for the first time that
I touched the thing that was going on。 Real living statesmen came
down to debate in the Union； the older dons had been their college
intimates； their sons and nephews expounded them to us and made them
real to us。 They invited us to entertain ideas； I found myself for
the first time in my life expected to read and think and discuss； my
secret vice had become a virtue。
That combination…room world is at last larger and more populous and
various than the world of schoolmasters。 The Shoesmiths and Naylors
who had been the aristocracy of City Merchants' fell into their
place in my mind； they became an undistinguished mass on the more
athletic side of Pinky Dinkyism； and their hostility to ideas and to
the expression of ideas ceased to limit and trouble me。 The
brighter