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perfect artlessness which is the distinguishing characteristic of all young
ladies； 'an affair； of course。' 'No； indeed； indeed you wrong me；' rejoins
the throwing…off young gentleman with great energy。 'I fervently hope
that her attachment towards me may be nothing but the natural result of
our close intimacy in childhood； and that in change of scene and among
new faces she may soon overcome it。 I love her！ Think not so meanly
of me； Miss Lowfield； I beseech； as to suppose that title； lands； riches； and
beauty； can influence MY choice。 The heart； the heart； Miss Lowfield。'
Here the throwing…off young gentleman sinks his voice to a still lower
whisper； and the young lady duly proclaims to all the other young ladies
when they go up…stairs； to put their bonnets on； that Mr。 Caveton's
relations are all immensely rich； and that he is hopelessly beloved by title；
lands； riches； and beauty。
We have seen a throwing…off young gentleman who； to our certain
knowledge； was innocent of a note of music； and scarcely able to
recognise a tune by ear； volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he
had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument
within a mile of the house。
We have heard another throwing…off young gentleman； after striking a
note or two upon the piano； and accompanying it correctly （by dint of
laborious practice） with his voice； assure a circle of wondering listeners
that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing out of tune； let
him try as he would。 We have lived to witness the unmasking of another
throwing…off young gentleman； who went out a visiting in a military cap
with a gold band and tassel； and who； after passing successfully for a
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captain and being lauded to the skies for his red whiskers； his bravery； his
soldierly bearing and his pride； turned out to be the dishonest son of an
honest linen…draper in a small country town； and whom； if it were not for
this fortunate exposure； we should not yet despair of encountering as the
fortunate husband of some rich heiress。 Ladies； ladies； the throwing…off
young gentlemen are often swindlers； and always fools。 So pray you
avoid them。
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THE YOUNG LADIES' YOUNG
GENTLEMAN
This young gentleman has several titles。 Some young ladies consider
him 'a nice young man；' others 'a fine young man；' others 'quite a lady's
man；' others 'a handsome man；' others 'a remarkably good…looking young
man。' With some young ladies he is 'a perfect angel；' and with others
'quite a love。' He is likewise a charming creature； a duck； and a dear。
The young ladies' young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and very
white teeth； which latter articles； of course； he displays on every possible
opportunity。 He has brown or black hair； and whiskers of the same； if
possible； but a slight tinge of red； or the hue which is vulgarly known as
SANDY； is not considered an objection。 If his head and face be large； his
nose prominent； and his figure square； he is an uncommonly fine young
man； and worshipped accordingly。 Should his whiskers meet beneath his
chin； so much the better； though this is not absolutely insisted on； but he
must wear an under…waistcoat； and smile constantly。
There was a great party got up by some party…loving friends of ours
last summer； to go and dine in Epping Forest。 As we hold that such wild
expeditions should never be indulged in； save by people of the smallest
means； who have no dinner at home； we should indubitably have excused
ourself from attending； if we had not recollected that the projectors of the
excursion were always accompanied on such occasions by a choice sample
of the young ladies' young gentleman； whom we were very anxious to
have an opportunity of meeting。 This determined us； and we went。
We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches； each with a
trifling company of six or eight inside； and a little boy belonging to the
projectors on the box … and to start from the residence of the projectors；
Woburn…place； Russell…square； at half…past ten precisely。 We arrived at
the place of rendezvous at the appointed time； and found the glass coaches
and the little boys quite ready； and divers young ladies and young
gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast…parlour blinds； who
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appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might
have expected； but evidently wished we had been somebody else。
Observing that our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some
disappointment； we ventured to inquire who was yet to come； when we
found from the hasty reply of a dozen voices； that it was no other than the
young ladies' young gentleman。
'I cannot imagine；' said the mamma； 'what has become of Mr。 Balim …
always so punctual； always so pleasant and agreeable。 I am sure I can…
NOT think。' As these last words were uttered in that measured； emphatic
manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not quite made up
his or her mind what to say； but is determined to talk on nevertheless； the
eldest daughter took up the subject； and hoped no accident had happened
to Mr。 Balim； upon which there was a general chorus of 'Dear Mr。 Balim！'
and one young lady； more adventurous than the rest； proposed that an
express should be straightway sent to dear Mr。 Balim's lodgings。 This；
however； the papa resolutely opposed； observing； in what a short young
lady behind us termed 'quite a bearish way；' that if Mr。 Balim didn't choose
to come； he might stop at home。 At this all the daughters raised a
murmur of 'Oh pa！' except one sprightly little girl of eight or ten years old；
who； taking advantage of a pause in the discourse； remarked； that perhaps
Mr。 Balim might have been married that morning … for which impertinent
suggestion she was summarily ejected from the room by her eldest sister。
We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness； when one
of the little boys； running into the room as airily as little boys usually run
who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays； and keep
their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep trouser…
pockets when they take exercise； joyfully announced that Mr。 Balim was
at that moment coming up the street in a hackney…cab； and the intelligence
was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards by the entry of Mr。
Balim himself； who was received with repeated cries of 'Where have you
been； you naughty creature？' whereunto the naughty creature replied； that
he had been in bed； in consequence of a late party the night before； and
had only just risen。 The acknowledgment awakened a variety of
agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast； which appearing after a
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slight cross…examination to be the real state of the case； breakfast for one
was immediately ordered； notwithstanding Mr。 Balim's repeated
protestations that he couldn't think of it。 He did think of it though； and
thought better of it too； for he made a remarkably good meal when it came；
and was assiduously served by a select knot of young ladies。 It was quite
delightful to see how he ate and drank； while one pair of fair hands poured
out his coffee； and another put in the sugar； and another the milk； the rest
of the company ever and anon casting angry glances at their watches； and
the glass coaches； … and the little boys looking on in an agony of
apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out； it might have
ra