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have the morals of a dragoon。 ＇She receives this with a shriek of
laughter。 He struggles with his sense of humor。＇ At the same time
＇he sits down＇ there is a certain coarse fun in the idea which
compels me to smile ＇he turns up his moustache and smiles。＇
ERMYNTRUDE。 When I marry the Inca's son； Captain； I shall make
the Inca order you to cut off that moustache。 It is too
irresistible。 Doesn't it fascinate everyone in Perusalem？
THE INCA ＇leaning forward to her energetically＇。 By all the
thunders of Thor； madam； it fascinates the whole world。
ERMYNTRUDE。 What I like about you； Captain Duval； is your
modesty。
THE INCA ＇straightening up suddenly＇。 Woman； do not be a fool。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇indignant＇。 Well！
THE INCA。 You must look facts in the face。 This moustache is an
exact copy of the Inca's moustache。 Well； does the world occupy
itself with the Inca's moustache or does it not？ Does it ever
occupy itself with anything else？ If that is the truth； does its
recognition constitute the Inca a coxcomb？ Other potentates have
moustaches： even beards and moustaches。 Does the world occupy
itself with those beards and moustaches？ Do the hawkers in the
streets of every capital on the civilized globe sell ingenious
cardboard representations of their faces on which； at the pulling
of a simple string； the moustaches turn up and down； so＇he
makes his moustache turn； up and down several times＇？ No！ I say
No。 The Inca's moustache is so watched and studied that it has
made his face the political barometer of the whole continent。
When that moustache goes up； culture rises with it。 Not what you
call culture； but Kultur； a word so much more significant that I
hardly understand it myself except when I am in specially good
form。 When it goes down； millions of men perish。
ERMYNTRUDE。 You know； if I had a moustache like that； it would
turn my head。 I should go mad。 Are you quite sure the Inca isn't
mad？
THE INCA。 How can he be mad； madam？ What is sanity？ The condition
of the Inca's mind。 What is madness？ The condition of the people
who disagree with the Inca。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Then I am a lunatic because I don't like that
ridiculous brooch。
THE INCA。 No； madam： you are only an idiot。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Thank you。
THE INCA。 Mark you： It is not to be expected that you should see
eye to eye with the Inca。 That would be presumption。 It is for
you to accept without question or demur the assurance of your
Inca that the brooch is a masterpiece。
ERMYNTRUDE。 MY Inca！ Oh； come！ I like that。 He is not my Inca
yet。
THE INCA。 He is everybody's Inca； madam。 His realm will yet
extend to the confines of the habitable earth。 It is his divine
right； and let those who dispute it look to themselves。 Properly
speaking； all those who are now trying to shake his world
predominance are not at war with him； but in rebellion against
him。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Well； he started it； you know。
THE INCA。 Madam； be just。 When the hunters surround the lion； the
lion will spring。 The Inca had kept the peace of years。 Those who
attacked him were steeped in blood； black blood； white blood；
brown blood； yellow blood； blue blood。 The Inca had never shed a
drop。
ERMYNTRUDE。 He had only talked。
THE INCA。 Only TALKED！ ONLY talked！ What is more glorious than
talk？ Can anyone in the world talk like him？ Madam； when he
signed the declaration of war； he said to his foolish generals
and admirals； 'Gentlemen； you will all be sorry for this。' And
they are。 They know now that they had better have relied on the
sword of the spirit： in other words； on their Inca's talk； than
on their murderous cannons。 The world will one day do justice to
the Inca as the man who kept the peace with nothing but his
tongue and his moustache。 While he talked： talked just as I am
talking now to you； simply； quietly； sensibly； but GREATLY； there
was peace； there was prosperity； Perusalem went from success to
success。 He has been silenced for a year by the roar of
trinitrotoluene and the bluster of fools； and the world is in
ruins。 What a tragedy！ ＇He is convulsed with grief。＇
ERMYNTRUDE。 Captain Duval； I don't want to be unsympathetic； but
suppose we get back to business。
THE INCA。 Business！ What business？
ERMYNTRUDE。 Well； MY business。 You want me to marry one of the
Inca's sons： I forget which。
THE INCA。 As far as I can recollect the name； it is His Imperial
Highness Prince Eitel William Frederick George Franz Josef
Alexander Nicholas Victor Emmanuel Albert Theodore Wilson
ERMYNTRUDE ＇interrupting＇。 Oh； please； please； mayn't I have one
with a shorter name？ What is he called at home？
THE INCA。 He is usually called Sonny； madam。 ＇With great charm of
manner。＇ But you will please understand that the Inca has no
desire to pin you to any particular son。 There is Chips and Spots
and Lulu and Pongo and the Corsair and the Piffler and Jack
Johnson the Second； all unmarried。 At least not seriously
married： nothing； in short； that cannot be arranged。 They are all
at your service。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Are they all as clever and charming as their father？
THE INCA ＇lifts his eyebrows pityingly； shrugs his shoulders；
then； with indulgent paternal contempt＇。 Excellent lads； madam。
Very honest affectionate creatures。 I have nothing against them。
Pongo imitates farmyard soundscock crowing and that sort of
thingextremely well。 Lulu plays Strauss's Sinfonia Domestica on
the mouth organ really screamingly。 Chips keeps owls and rabbits。
Spots motor bicycles。 The Corsair commands canal barges and
steers them himself。 The Piffler writes plays； and paints most
abominably。 Jack Johnson trims ladies' hats； and boxes with
professionals hired for that purpose。 He is invariably
victorious。 Yes： they all have their different little talents。
And also； of course； their family resemblances。 For example； they
all smoke； they all quarrel with one another； and they none of
them appreciate their father； who； by the way； is no mean
painter； though the Piffler pretends to ridicule his efforts。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Quite a large choice； eh？
THE INCA。 But very little to choose； believe me。 I should not
recommend Pongo； because he snores so frightfully that it has
been necessary to build him a sound…proof bedroom： otherwise the
royal family would get no sleep。 But any of the others would suit
equally wellif you are really bent on marrying one of them。
ERMYNTRUDE。 If！ What is this？ I never wanted to marry one of
them。 I thought you wanted me to。
THE INCA。 I did； madam； but ＇confidentially； flattering her＇ you
are not quite the sort of person I expected you to be； and I
doubt whether any of these young degenerates would make you
happy。 I trust I am not showing any want of natural feeling when
I say that from the point of view of a lively； accomplished； and
beautiful woman ＇Ermyntrude bows＇ they might pall after a time。 I
suggest that you might prefer the Inca himself。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Oh； Captain； how could a humble person like myself be
of any interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and
most far…reaching intellects in the world？
TAE INCA ＇explosively＇。 What on earth are you talking about；
madam？ Can you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who
is not a born fool？
ERMYNTRUDE。 Oh； how can you say that！ There is Admiral von
Cockpits
THE INCA ＇rising intolerantly and striding about the room＇。 Von
Cockpits！ Madam； if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven； before
three weeks are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the
man in the moon。
ERMYNTRUDE。 But General Von Schinkenburg
THE INCA。 Schinkenburg！ I grant you； Schinkenburg has a genius
for defending market gardens。 Among market gardens he is
invincible。 But what is the good of that？ The world does not
consist of market gardens。 Turn him loose in pasture and he is
lost。 The Inca has defeated all these generals again and again at
manoeuvres； and yet he has to give place to them in the field
because he would be blamed for every disasteraccused of
sacrificing the country to his vanity。 Vanity！ Why do they call
him vain？ Just because he is one of the few men who are not
afraid to live。 Why do they call themselves brave？ Because they
have not sense enough to be afraid to die。 Within the last year
the world has produced millions of heroes。 Has it produced more
than one Inca？ ＇He resumes his seat。＇
ERMYNTRUDE。 Fortunately not； Captain。 I'd rather marry Chips。
THE INCA ＇making a wry face＇。 Chips！ Oh no： I wouldn't marry
Chips。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Why？
THE INCA ＇whispering the secret＇。 Chips talks too much about
himself。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Well； what about Snooks？
THE INCA。 Snooks？ Who is he？ Have I a son named Snooks？ There are
so many＇wearily＇ so manythat I often forget。 ＇Casually。＇ But
I wouldn't marry him； anyhow； if I were you。
ERMYNTRUDE。 But hasn't any of them inherited the family genius？
Surely； if Providence has entrusted them with the care of
Perusalemif they are all descended from Bedrock the Great
THE INCA ＇interrupting her impatiently＇。 Madam； if you ask me； I
consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇shocked＇。 Oh； Captain！ Take care！ Incadisparagement。
THE INCA。 I repeat； grossly overrated。 Strictly