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bedrooms
THE MANAGER。 There are basins with hot and cold taps。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇scornfully＇。 Yes： there WOULD be。 Suppose we must put
up with that： sinks in our rooms； and pipes that rattle and bang
and guggle all over the house whenever anyone washes his hands。 I
know。
THE MANAGER ＇gallant＇。 You are hard to please； mademoiselle。
ERMYNTRUDE。 No harder than other people。 But when I'm not pleased
I'm not too ladylike to say so。 That's all the difference。 There
is nothing more； thank you。
The Manager shrugs his shoulders resignedly； makes a deep bow to
the Princess； goes to the door； wafts a kiss surreptitiously to
Ermyntrude； and goes out。
THE PRINCESS。 It's wonderful！ How have you the courage？
ERMYNTRUDE。 In Your Highness's service I know no fear。 Your
Highness can leave all unpleasant people to me。
THE PRINCESS。 How I wish I could！ The most dreadful thing of all
I have to go through myself。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Dare I ask what it is； Your Highness？
THE PRINCESS。 I'm going to be married。 I'm to be met here and
married to a man I never saw。 A boy！ A boy who never saw me！ One
of the sons of the Inca of Perusalem。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Indeed？ Which son？
THE PRINCESS。 I don't know。 They haven't settled which。 It's a
dreadful thing to be a princess： they just marry you to anyone
they like。 The Inca is to come and look at me； and pick out
whichever of his sons he thinks will suit。 And then I shall be an
alien enemy everywhere except in Perusalem； because the Inca has
made war on everybody。 And I shall have to pretend that everybody
has made war on him。 It's too bad。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Still； a husband is a husband。 I wish I had one。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh； how can you say that！ I'm afraid you're not a
nice woman。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Your Highness is provided for。 I'm not。
THE PRINCESS。 Even if you could bear to let a man touch you； you
shouldn't say so。
ERMYNTRUDE。 I shall not say so again； Your Highness； except
perhaps to the man。
THE PRINCESS。 It's too dreadful to think of。 I wonder you can be
so coarse。 I really don't think you'll suit。 I feel sure now that
you know more about men than you should。
ERMYNTRUDE。 I am a widow； Your Highness。
THE PRINCESS ＇overwhelmed＇。 Oh； I BEG your pardon。 Of course I
ought to have known you would not have spoken like that if you
were not married。 That makes it all right； doesn't it？ I'm so
sorry。
The Manager returns； white； scared； hardly able to speak。
THE MANAGER。 Your Highness； an officer asks to see you on behalf
of the Inca of Perusalem。
THE PRINCESS ＇rising distractedly＇。 Oh； I can't； really。 Oh； what
shall I do？
THE MANAGER。 On important business； he says； Your Highness。
Captain Duval。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Duval！ Nonsense！ The usual thing。 It is the Inca
himself； incognito。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh； send him away。 Oh； I'm so afraid of the Inca。
I'm not properly dressed to receive him； and he is so particular：
he would order me to stay in my room for a week。 Tell him to call
tomorrow： say I'm ill in bed。 I can't： I won't： I daren't： you
must get rid of him somehow。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Leave him to me； Your Highness。
THE PRINCESS。 You'd never dare！
ERMYNTRUDE。 I am an Englishwoman； Your Highess； and perfectly
capable of tackling ten Incas if necessary。 I will arrange the
matter。 ＇To the Manager。＇ Show Her Highness to her bedroom； and
then show Captain Duval in here。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh； thank you so much。 ＇She goes to the door。
Ermyntrude； noticing that she has left her hat and gloves on the
table； runs after her with them。＇ Oh； THANK you。 And oh； please；
if I must have one of his sons； I should like a fair one that
doesn't shave； with soft hair and a beard。 I couldn't bear being
kissed by a bristly person。 ＇She runs out； the Manager bowing as
she passes。 He follows her。＇
Ermyntrude whips off her waterproof； hides it； and gets herself
swiftly into perfect trim at the mirror； before the Manager； with
a large jewel case in his hand； returns； ushering in the Inca。
THE MANAGER。 Captain Duval。
The Inca； in military uniform； advances with a marked and
imposing stage walk； stops； orders the trembling Manager by a
gesture to place the jewel case on the table； dismisses him with
a frown； touches his helmet graciously to Ermyntrude； and takes
off his cloak。
THE INCA。 I beg you； madam； to be quite at your ease； and to
speak to me without ceremony。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇moving haughtily and carelessly to the table＇。 I
hadn't the slightest intention of treating you with ceremony。
＇She sits down： a liberty which gives him a perceptible shock。＇ I
am quite at a loss to imagine why I should treat a perfect
stranger named Duval： a captain！ almost a subaltern！ with the
smallest ceremony。
THE INCA。 That is true。 I had for the moment forgotten my
position。
ERMYNTRUDE。 It doesn't matter。 You may sit down。
THE INCA ＇frowning。＇ What！
ERMYNTRUDE。 I said； you。。。may。。。sit。。。down。
THE INCA。 Oh。 ＇His moustache droops。 He sits down。＇
ERMYNTRUDE。 What is your business？
THE INCA。 I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem。
ERMYNTRUDE。 The Allerhochst？
THE INCA。 Precisely。
ERMYNTRUDE。 I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him
the Allerhochst。
THE INCA ＇surprised＇。 Why should he？ He IS the Allerhochst。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Is he nice looking？
THE INCA。 Ier。 ErI。 Ier。 I am not a good judge。
ERMYNTRUDE。 They say he takes himself very seriously。
THE INCA。 Why should he not； madam？ Providence has entrusted to
his family the care of a mighty empire。 He is in a position of
half divine； half paternal； responsibility towards sixty millions
of people； whose duty it is to die for him at the word of
command。 To take himself otherwise than seriously would be
blasphemous。 It is a punishable offenceseverely punishablein
Perusalem。 It is called Incadisparagement。
ERMYNTRUDE。 How cheerful！ Can he laugh？
THE INCA。 Certainly； madam。 ＇He laughs； harshly and mirthlessly。＇
Ha ha！ Ha ha ha！
ERMYNTRUDE ＇frigidly＇。 I asked could the Inca laugh。 I did not
ask could you laugh。
THE INCA。 That is true； madam。 ＇Chuckling。＇ Devilish amusing；
that！ ＇He laughs； genially and sincerely； and becomes a much more
agreeable person。＇ Pardon me： I am now laughing because I cannot
help it。 I am amused。 The other was merely an imitation： a
failure； I admit。
ERMYNTRUDE。 You intimated that you had some business？
THE INCA ＇producing a very large jewel case； and relapsing into
solemnity。 I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful
note of your features and figure； and； if I consider them
satisfactory； to present you with this trifling token of His
Imperial Majesty's regard。 I do consider them satisfactory。 Allow
me ＇he opens the jewel case and presents it。＇
ERMYNTRUDE ＇staring at the contents＇。 What awful taste he must
have！ I can't wear that。
THE INCA ＇reddening＇。 Take care； madam！ This brooch was designed
by the Inca himself。 Allow me to explain the design。 In the
centre； the shield of Arminius。 The ten surrounding medallions
represent the ten castles of His Majesty。 The rim is a piece of
the telephone cable laid by His Majesty across the Shipskeel
canal。 The pin is a model in miniature of the sword of Henry the
Birdcatcher。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Miniature！ It must be bigger than the original。 My
good man； you don't expect me to wear this round my neck： it's as
big as a turtle。 ＇He shuts the case with an angry snap。＇ How much
did it cost？
THE INCA。 For materials and manufacture alone； half a million
Perusalem dollars； madam。 The Inca's design constitutes it a work
of art。 As such； it is now worth probably ten million dollars。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Give it to me ＇she snatches it＇。 I'll pawn it and buy
something nice with the money。
THE INCA。 Impossible； madam。 A design by the Inca must not be
exhibited for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker。 ＇He flings
himself into his chair； fuming。＇
ERMYNTRUDE。 So much the better。 The Inca will have to redeem it
to save himself from that disgrace； and the poor pawnbroker will
get his money back。 Nobody would buy it； you know。
THE INCA。 May I ask why？
ERMYNTRUDL。 Well； look at it！ Just look at it！ I ask you！
THE INCA ＇his moustache drooping ominously＇。 I am sorry to have
to report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art。 ＇He
rises sulkily。＇ The position of daughter…in…law to the Inca is
not compatible with the tastes of a pig。 ＇He attempts to take
back the brooch。＇
ERMYNTRUDE ＇rising and retreating behind her chair with the
brooch＇。 Here！ you let that brooch alone。 You presented it to me
on behalf of the Inca。 It is mine。 You said my appearance was
satisfactory。
THE INCA。 Your appearance is not satisfactory。 The Inca would not
allow his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and
you were the only other human being on it ＇he strides up the
room。＇
ERMYNTRUDE ＇calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the
table＇。 How could he？ There would be no clergyman to marry us。 It
would have to be quite morganatic。
THE INCA ＇returning＇。 Such an expression is out of place in the
mouth of a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth。 You
have the morals of a dragoon。 ＇She receives this with a shriek of
laugh