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know。 I sent my maid away as a public duty； and now she has
married a soldier and is expecting a war baby。 But I don't know
how to do without her。 I've tried my very best； but somehow it
doesn't answer： everybody cheats me； and in the end it isn't any
saving。 So I've made up my mind to sell my piano and have a maid。
That will be a real saving； because I really don't care a bit for
music； though of course one has to pretend to。 Don't you think
so？
ERMYNTRUDE。 Certainly I do； Your Highness。 Nothing could be more
correct。 Saving and self…denial both at once； and an act of
kindness to me； as I am out of place。
THE PRINCESS。 I'm so glad you see it in that way。 Eryou won't
mind my asking； will you？how did you lose your place？
ERMYNTRUDE。 The war； Your Highness； the war。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh yes； of course。 But how
ERMYNTRUDE ＇taking out her handkerchief and showing signs of
grief＇。 My poor mistress
THE PRINCESS。 Oh please say no more。 Don't think about it。 So
tactless of me to mention it。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇mastering her emotion and smiling through her tears＇。
Your Highness is too good。
THE PRINCESS。 Do you think you could be happy with me？ I attach
such importance to that。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇gushing＇。 Oh； I knowI shall。
THE PRINCESS。 You must not expect too much。 There is my uncle。 He
is very severe and hasty； and he is my guardian。 I once had a
maid I liked very much； but he sent her away the very first time。
ERMYNTRUDE。 The first time of what； Your Highness？
THE PRINCESS。 Oh； something she did。 I am sure she had never done
it before； and I know she would never have done it again； she was
so truly contrite and nice about it。
ERMYNTRUDE。 About what； Your Highness？
THE PRINCESS。 Well； she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a
rather improper ball with her young man； and my uncle saw her。
ERYMNTRUDE。 Then he was at the ball too； Your Highness？
THE PRINCESS ＇struck by the inference＇。 I suppose he must have
been。 I wonder！ You know； it's very sharp of you to find that
out。 I hope you are not too sharp。
ERMYNTRUDE。 A lady's maid has to be； Your Highness。 ＇She produces
some letters。＇ Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials； no
doubt。 I have one from an Archdeacon。 ＇She proffers the letters。＇
THE PRINCESS ＇taking them＇。 Do archdeacons have maids？ How
curious！
ERMYNTRUDE。 No； Your Highness。 They have daughters。 I have
first…rate testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his
daughter。
THE PRINCESS ＇reading them＇。 The daughter says you are in every
respect a treasure。 The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if
he could possibly have afforded it。 Most satisfactory； I'm sure。
ERMYNTRUDE。 May I regard myself as engaged then； Your Highness？
THE PRINCESS ＇alarmed＇。 Oh； I'm sure I don't know。 If you like；
of course； but do you think I ought to？
ERMYNTRUDE。 Naturally I think Your Highness ought to； most
decidedly。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh well； if you think that； I daresay you're quite
right。 You'll excuse my mentioning it； I hope； but what wages
er？
ERMYNTRUDE。 The same as the maid who went to the ball。 Your
Highness need not make any change。
THE PRINCESS。 M'yes。 Of course she began with less。 But she had
such a number of relatives to keep！ It was quite heartbreaking： I
had to raise her wages again and again。
ERMYNTRUDE。 I shall be quite content with what she began on； and
I have no relatives dependent on me。 And I am willing to wear my
own dresses at balls。
THE PRINCESS。 I am sure nothing could be fairer than that。 My
uncle can't object to that； can he？
ERMYNTRUDE。 If he does； Your Highness； ask him to speak to me
about it。 I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your
uncle about matters of business。
THE PRINCESS。 Would you？ You must be frightfully courageous。
ERMYNTRUDE。 May I regard myself as engaged； Your Highness？ I
should like to set about my duties immediately。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh yes； I think so。 Oh certainly。 I
A waiter comes in with the tea。 He places the tray on the table。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh； thank you。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇raising the cover from the tea cake and looking at
it＇。 How long has that been standing at the top of the stairs？
THE PRINCESS ＇terrified＇。 Oh please！ It doesn't matter。
THE WAITER。 It has not been waiting。 Straight from the kitchen；
madam； believe me。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Send the manager here。
THE WAITER。 The manager！ What do you want with the manager？
ERMYNTRUDE。 He will tell you when I have done with him。 How dare
you treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner？ What sort of
pothouse is this？ Where did you learn to speak to persons of
quality？ Take away your cold tea and cold cake instantly。 Give
them to the chambermaid you were flirting with whilst Her
Highness was waiting。 Order some fresh tea at once； and do not
presume to bring it yourself： have it brought by a civil waiter
who is accustomed to wait on ladies； and not； like you； on
commercial travellers。
THE WAITER。 Alas； madam； I am not accustomed to wait on anybody。
Two years ago I was an eminent medical man； my waiting…room was
crowded with the flower of the aristocracy and the higher
bourgeoisie from nine to six every day。 But the war came； and my
patients were ordered to give up their luxuries。 They gave up
their doctors； but kept their week…end hotels； closing every
career to me except the career of a waiter。 ＇He puts his fingers
on the teapot to test its temperature； and automatically takes
out his watch with the other hand as if to count the teapot's
pulse。＇ You are right： the tea is cold： it was made by the wife
of a once fashionable architect。 The cake is only half toasted：
what can you expect from a ruined west…end tailor whose attempt
to establish a second…hand business failed last Tuesday week？
Have you the heart to complain to the manager？ Have we not
suffered enough？ Are our miseries nev ＇the manager enters＇。 Oh
Lord！ here he is。 ＇The waiter withdraws abjectly； taking the tea
tray with him。＇
THE MANAGER。 Pardon； Your Highness； but I have received an urgent
inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance； and I
venture to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us
with your presence。
THE PRINCESS ＇rising anxiously＇。 Oh！ am I in the way？
ERMYNTRUDE ＇sternly＇。 Sit down； madam。 ＇The Princess sits down
forlornly。 Ermyntrude turns imperiously to the Manager。＇ Her
Highness will require this room for twenty minutes。
THE MANAGER。 Twenty minutes！
ERMYNTRUDE。 Yes： it will take fully that time to find a proper
apartment in a respectable hotel。
THE MANAGER。 I do not understand。
ERMYNTRUDE。 You understand perfectly。 How dare you offer Her
Highness a room on the second floor？
THE MANAGER。 But I have explained。 The first floor is occupied。
At least
ERMYNTRUDE。 Well？ at least？
THE MANAGER。 It is occupied。
ERMYNTRUDE。 Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood。 It is
not occupied。 You are saving it up for the arrival of the
five…fifteen express； from which you hope to pick up some fat
armaments contractor who will drink all the bad champagne in your
cellar at 5 francs a bottle； and pay twice over for everything
because he is in the same hotel with Her Highness； and can boast
of having turned her out of the best rooms。
THE MANAGER。 But Her Highness was so gracious。 I did not know
that Her Highness was at all particular。
ERMYNTRUDE。 And you take advantage of Her Highness's
graciousness。 You impose on her with your stories。 You give her a
room not fit for a dog。 You send cold tea to her by a decayed
professional person disguised as a waiter。 But don't think you
can trifle with me。 I am a lady's maid； and I know the ladies'
maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe and all the
millionaires of America。 When I expose your hotel as the
second…rate little hole it is； not a soul above the rank of a
curate with a large family will be seen entering it。 I shake its
dust off my feet。 Order the luggage to be taken down at once。
THE MANAGER ＇appealing to the Princess＇。 Can Your Highness
believe this of me？ Have I had the misfortune to offend Your
Highness？
THE PRINCESS。 Oh no。 I am quite satisfied。 Please
ERMYNTRUDE。 Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me？
THE PRINCESS ＇intimidated＇。 Oh no： please don't think that。 I
only meant
ERMYNTRUDE ＇to the manager＇。 You hear。 Perhaps you think Her
Highness is going to do the work of teaching you your place
herself； instead of leaving it to her maid。
THE MANAGER。 Oh please； mademoiselle。 Believe me： our only wish
is to make you perfectly comfortable。 But in consequence of the
war； all royal personages now practise a rigid economy； and
desire us to treat them like their poorest subjects。
THE PRINCESS。 Oh yes。 You are quite right
ERMYNTRUDE ＇interrupting＇。 There！ Her Highness forgives you； but
don't do it again。 Now go downstairs； my good man； and get that
suite on the first floor ready for us。 And send some proper tea。
And turn on the heating apparatus until the temperature in the
rooms is comfortably warm。 And have hot water put in all the
bedrooms
THE MANAGER。 There are basins with hot and cold taps。
ERMYNTRUDE ＇scornfully＇。 Yes： there WOULD be。 Suppose