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I beard it right。 〃The odds
are always stacked against us。 Mistake after mistake。 I'll never criticize
Romeo again。〃
〃But I still don't understand；〃 I said。 〃That's my whole point。 So what？〃
〃Excuse me？〃
〃So what if I was dead？〃
He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering。 〃Don't you
remember anything I told you
before？〃
〃I remember everything that you told me。〃 Including the words that had negated
all the rest。
He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip。 〃Bella； you seem
to be under a
misapprehension。〃 He closed his eyes； shaking his head back and forth with
half a smile on his beautiful
face。 It wasn't a happy smile。 〃I thought I'd explained it clearly before。
Bella； I can't live in a world where
you don't exist。〃
〃I am〃 My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word。 〃Confused。〃 That
worked。 I couldn't
make sense of what he was saying。
He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere； earnest gaze。 〃I'm a good liar；
Bella； I have to be。〃
I froze； my muscles locking down as if for impact。 The fault line in my chest
rippled； the pain of it took my
breath away。
He shook my shoulder； trying to loosen my rigid pose。 〃Let me finish！ I'm a
good liar； but still； for you to
believe me so quickly。〃 He winced。 〃That was excruciating。〃
I waited； still frozen。
〃When we were in the forest； when I was telling you goodbye—〃
I didn't allow myself to remember。 I fought to keep myself in the present
second only。
〃You weren't going to let go；〃 he whispered。 〃I could see that。 I didn't want
to do it—it felt like it would
kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't
love you anymore； it would just
take you that much longer to get on with your life。 I hoped that； if you
thought I'd moved on； so would
you。〃
〃A clean break；〃 I whispered through unmoving lips。
〃Exactly。 But I never imagined it would be so easy to do！ I thought it would
be next to impossible—that
you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth
for hours to even plant the
seed of doubt in your head。 I lied； and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt
you； sorry because it was a
worthless effort。 Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an。 I lied to
save you； and it didn't work。
I'm sorry。
〃But how could you believe me？ After all the thousand times I've told you I
love you； how could you let
one word break your faith in me？〃
I didn't answer。 I was too shocked to form a rational response。
〃I could see it in your eyes； that you honestly believed that I didn't want
you anymore。 The most absurd；
ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without
needing you！〃
I was still frozen。 His words were inprehensible； because they were
impossible。
He shook my shoulder again； not hard； but enough that my teeth rattled a
little。
〃Bella；〃 he sighed。 〃Really； what were you thinking！〃
And so I started to cry。 The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my
cheeks。
〃I knew it；〃 I sobbed。 〃I knew I was dreaming。〃
〃You're impossible；〃 he said； and he laughed once—a hard laugh； frustrated。
〃How can I put this so that
you'll believe me？ You're not asleep； and you're not dead。 I'm here； and I
love you。 I have always loved
you； and I will always love you。 I was thinking of you； seeing your face in my
mind； every second that I
was away。 When I told you that I didn't want you； it was the very blackest
kind of blasphemy。〃
I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes。
〃You don't believe me； do you？〃 he whispered； his face paler than his usual
pale—I could see that even
in the dim light。 〃Why can you believe the lie； but not the truth？〃
〃It never made sense for you to love me；〃 I explained； my voice breaking
twice。 〃I always knew that。〃
His eyes narrowed； his jaw tightened。
〃I'll prove you're awake；〃 he promised。
He caught my face securely between his iron hands； ignoring my struggles when
I tried to turn my head
away。
〃Please don't；〃 I whispered。
He stopped； his lips just half an inch from mine。
〃Why not？〃 he demanded。 His breath blew into my face； making my head whirl。
〃When I wake up〃—He opened his mouth to protest； so I revised—〃okay； forget
that one—when you
leave again； it's going to be hard enough without this； too。〃
He pulled back an inch； to stare at my face。
〃Yesterday； when I would touch you； you were so hesitant； so careful； and
yet still the same。 I need to
know why。 Is it because I'm too late？ Because I've hurt you too much？ Because
you have moved on； as
I meant for you to？ That would be quite fair。 I won't contest your decision。
So don't try to spare my
feelings； please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me； after
everything I've done to you。
Can you？〃 he whispered。
〃What kind of an idiotic question is that？〃
〃Just answer it。 Please。〃
I stared at him darkly for a long moment。 〃The way I feel about you will never
change。 Of course I love
you—and there's nothing you can do about it！〃
〃That's all I needed to hear。〃
His mouth was on mine then； and I couldn't fight him。 Not because he was so
many thousand times
stronger than me； but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips
met。 This kiss was not quite
as careful as others I remembered； which suited me just fine。 If I was going
to rip myself up further； I
might as well get as much in trade as possible。
So I kissed him back； my heart pounding out a jagged； disjointed rhythm while
my breathing turned to
panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face。 I could feel his marble
body against every line of mine；
and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me—there was no pain in the world
that would have justified
missing this。 His hands memorized my face； the same way mine were tracing his；
and； in the brief seconds
when his lips were free； he whispered my name。
When I was starting to get dizzy； he pulled away； only to lay his ear against
my heart。
I lay there； dazed； waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet。
〃By the way；〃 he said in a casual tone。 〃I'm not leaving you。〃
I didn't say anything； and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence。
He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his。 〃I'm not going anywhere。 Not
without you；〃 he added more
seriously。
〃I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a
normal； happy； human life。 I
could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of
danger； taking you away
from the world you belonged in； risking your life every moment I was with you。
So I had to try。 I had to
do something； and it seemed like leaving was the only way。 If I hadn't thought
you would be better off； I
could have never made myself leave。 I'm much too selfish。 Only you could be
more important than what I
wanted what I needed。 What I want and need is to be with you； and I know
I'll never be strong
enough to leave again。 I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that！
It seems you can't be
safe； no matter how many miles I put between us。〃
〃Don't promise me anything；〃 I whispered。 If I let myself hope； and it came to
nothing that would kill
me。 Where all those merciless vampires had not been able to finish me off；
hope would do the job。
Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes。 〃You think I'm lying to you now？〃
〃No—not lying。〃 I shook my head； trying to think it through coherently。 To
examine the hypothesis that
he did love me； while staying objective； clinical； so I wouldn't fall into the
trap of hoping。 〃You could
mean it now。 But what about tomorrow； when you think about all the reasons
you left in the first
place？ Or next month； when Jasper takes a snap at me？〃
He flinched。
I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me； tried to see
them through the filter of
what he was telling me now。 From that perspective； imagining that he'd left me
while loving me； left me
for me； his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning。 〃It isn't
as if you hadn't thought the
first decision through； is it？〃 I guessed。 〃You'll end up doing what you think
is right。〃
〃I'm not as strong as you give me credit for；〃 he said。 〃Right and wrong have
ceased to mean much to
me； I was ing back anyway。 Before Rosalie told me the news； I was already
past trying to live
through one week at a time； or even one day。 I was fighting to make it through
a single hour。 It was only
a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and
begged you to take me
back。 I'd be happy to beg now； if you'd like that。〃
I grimaced。 〃Be serious； please。〃
〃Oh； I am；〃 he insisted； glaring now。 〃Will you please try to hear what I'm
telling you？ Will you let me
attempt to explain what you mean to me？〃
He waited； studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening。
〃Before you； Bella； my life was like a moonless night。 Very dark； but there
were stars—points of light
and reason And then you shot across my sky like a meteor。 Suddenly
everything was on fire； there