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〃Oh； crap〃 I croaked。 My throat was thick with sleeping。
〃What's wrong； Bella？〃
I frowned at him unhappily。 His face was even more anxious than before。
〃I'm dead； right？〃 I moaned。 〃I did drown。 Crap； crap； crap！ This is gonna
kill Charlie。〃
Edward frowned； too。 〃You're not dead。〃
〃Then why am I not waking up？〃 I challenged； raising my eyebrows。
〃You are awake； Bella。〃
I shook my head。 〃Sure； sure。 That's what you want me to think。 And then it
will be worse when I do
wake up。 If I wake up； which I won't； because I'm dead。 This is awful。 Poor
Charlie。 And Renee and
Jake〃 I trailed off in horror at what I had done。
〃I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare。〃 His short…lived smile
was grim。 〃But I can't
imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell。 Did you mit many
murders while I was away？〃
I grimaced。 〃Obviously not。 If I was in hell； you wouldn't be with me。〃
He sighed。
My head was getting clearer。 My eyes flickered away from his face—unwillingly
—for one second； to the
dark； open window； and then back to him。 I started to remember details and I
felt a faint； unfamiliar
blush warm the skin over my cheekbones as I slowly realized that Edward was
really； truly here with me；
and I was wasting time being an idiot。
〃Did all of that really happen； then？〃 It was almost impossible to reassign my
dream as reality。 I couldn't
wrap my head around the concept。
〃That depends。〃 Edward's smile was still hard。 〃If you're referring to us
nearly being massacred in Italy；
then； yes。〃
〃How strange；〃 I mused。 〃I really went to Italy。 Did you know I'd never been
farther east than
Albuquerque？〃
He rolled his eyes。 〃Maybe you should go back to sleep。 You're not coherent。〃
〃I'm not tired anymore。〃 It was all ing clear now。 〃What time is it？ How
long have I been sleeping？〃
〃It's just after one in the morning。 So； about fourteen hours。〃
I stretched as he spoke。 I was so stiff。
〃Charlie？〃 I asked。
Edward frowned。 〃Sleeping。 You should probably know that I'm breaking the
rules right now。 Well； not
technically； since he said I was never to walk through his door again； and I
came in the window But；
still； the intent was clear。〃
〃Charlie banned you from the house？〃 I asked； disbelief quickly melting into
fury。
His eyes were sad。 〃Did you expect anything else？〃
My eyes were mad。 I was going to have a few words with my father—perhaps it
would be a good time
to remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood。 It didn't matter so
much； of course； except in
principle。 All too soon there would be no reason for the prohibition。 I turned
my thoughts to less painful
avenues。
〃What's the story？〃 I asked； genuinely curious； but also trying desperately to
keep the conversation
casual； to keep a firm grip on myself； so I wouldn't scare him away with the
frantic； gnawing craving that
was raging inside me。
〃What do you mean？〃
〃What am I telling Charlie？ What's my excuse for disappearing for how long
was I gone； anyway？〃 I
tried to count the hours in my head。
〃Just three days。〃 His eyes tightened； but he smiled more naturally this time。
〃Actually； I was hoping you
might have a good explanation。 I've got nothing。〃
I groaned。 〃Fabulous。〃
〃Well； maybe Alice will e up with something；〃 he offered； trying to fort
me。
And I was forted。 Who cared what I had to deal with later？ Every second
that he was here—so
close； his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm
clock—was precious and
not to be wasted。
〃So；〃 I began； picking the least important—though still vitally interesting—
question to start with。 I was
safely delivered home； and he might decide to leave at any moment。 I had to
keep him talking。 Besides；
this temporary heaven wasn't entirely plete without the sound of his voice。
〃What have you been
doing； up until three days ago？〃
His face turned wary in an instant。 〃Nothing terribly exciting。〃
〃Of course not；〃 I mumbled。
〃Why are you making that face？〃
〃Well〃 I pursed my lips； considering。 〃If you were； after all； just a dream；
that's exactly the kind of thing
you would say。 My imagination must be used up。〃
He sighed。 〃If I tell you； will you finally believe that you're not having a
nightmare？〃
〃Nightmare！〃 I repeated scornfully。 He waited for my answer。 〃Maybe；〃 I said
after a second of thought。
〃If you tell me。〃
〃I was hunting。〃
〃Is that the best you can do？〃 I criticized。 〃That definitely doesn't prove
I'm awake。〃
He hesitated； and then spoke slowly； choosing his words with care。 〃I wasn't
hunting fot food I was
actually trying my hand at tracking。 I'm not very good at it。〃
〃What were you tracking？〃 I asked； intrigued。
〃Nothing of consequence。〃 His words didn't match his expression； he looked
upset； unfortable。
〃I don't understand。〃
He hesitated； his face； shining with an odd green cast from the light of the
clock； was torn。
〃I—〃 He took a deep breath。 〃I owe you an apology。 No； of course I owe you
much； much more than
that。 But you have to know；〃—the words began to flow so fast； the way I
remembered he spoke
sometimes when he was agitated； that I really had to concentrate to catch them
all—〃that I had no idea。 I
didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind。 I thought it was safe for you
here。 So safe。 I had no idea that
Victoria；〃—his lips curled back when he said the name—〃would e back。 I'll
admit； when I saw her
that one time； I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts。 But I
just didn't see that she had this
kind of response in her。 That she even had such a tie to him。 I think I
realize why now—she was so sure
of him； the thought of him failing never occurred to her。 It was her
overconfidence that clouded her
feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them； the bond
there。
〃Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face。 When I heard what
you told Alice—what she
saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of
werewolves； immature； volatile；
the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—he shuddered and the gush
of words halted for a short
second。 〃Please know that I had no idea of any of this。 I feel sick； sick to
my core； even now； when I can
see and feel you safe in my arms。 I am the most miserable excuse for—〃
〃Stop；〃 I interrupted him。 He stared at me with agonized eyes； and I tried to
find the right words—the
words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so
much pain。 They were very
hard words to say。 I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking
down。 But I had to try to do it
right。 I didn't want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life。 He
should be happy； no matter what it
cost me。
I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation。 It was
going to bring things to an end so
much sooner。
Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie； I
kept my face smooth。
〃Edward；〃 I said。 His name burned my throat a little on the way out。 I could
feel the ghost of the hole；
waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared。 I didn't quite see
how I was going to survive it
this time。 〃This has to stop now。 You can't think about things that way。 You
can't let this this guilt
rule your life。 You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me
here。 None of it is your fault；
it's just part of how life is for me。 So； if I trip in front of a bus or
whatever it is next time； you have to
realize that it's not your job to take the blame。 You can't just go running
off to Italy because you feel bad
that you didn't save me。 Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die； that
would have been my choice； and
not your fault。 I know it's your your nature to shoulder the blame for
everything； but you really can't
let that make you go to such extremes！ It's very irresponsible—think of Esme
and Carlisle and—〃
I was on the edge of losing it。 I stopped to take a deep breath； hoping to
calm myself。 I had to set him
free。 I had to make sure this never happened again。
〃Isabella Marie Swan；〃 he whispered； the strangest expression crossing his
face。 He almost looked mad。
〃Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty？〃
I could feel the blank inprehension on my face。 〃Didn't you？〃
〃Feel guilty？ Intensely so。 More than you can prehend。〃
〃Then what are you saying？ I don't understand。〃
〃Bella； I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead；〃 he said； voice
soft； eyes fierce。 〃Even if
I'd had no hand in your death〃—he shuddered as he whispered the last
word—〃even if it wasn't my
fault； I would have gone to Italy。 Obviously； I should have been more careful
—I should have spoken to
Alice directly； rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie。 But； really；
what was I supposed to
think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral？ What are the odds？
〃The odds〃 he muttered then； distracted。 His voice was so low I wasn't sure
I beard it right。 〃The odds
are always stacked against us。 Mista