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were worse still。 She had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there was nothing physically wrong。 She hurt all the time。 How much of it was her fault？ That question haunted her。 She felt like her mother。 Like her father。 Sometimes； when she felt like herself she wondered what it would be like for Danny； and she dreaded the day when he grew old enough to lay blame。 And she wondered where they would go。 She had no doubt her mother would take her in； and no doubt that after a year of watching her diapers remade； Danny's meals recooked and/or redistributed； of ing home to find his clothes changed or his hair cut or the books her mother found unsuitable spirited away to some limbo in the attic 。 。 。 after half a year of that； she would have a plete nervous breakdown。 And her mother would pat her hand and say fortingly； Although it's not your fault； it's all your own fault。 You were never ready。 You showed your true colors when you came between your father and me。
My father； Danny's father。 Mine； his。
（Who giveth this woman？ I do。 Dead of a heart attack six months later。） The night before that morning she had lain awake almost until he came in； thinking； ing to her decision。
The divorce was necessary； she told herself。 Her mother and father didn't belong in the decision。 Neither did her feelings of guilt over their marriage nor her feelings of inadequacy over her own。 It was necessary for her son's sake； and for herself； if she was to salvage anything at all from her early adulthood。 The handwriting on the wall was brutal but clear。 Her husband was a lush。 He had a bad temper； one he could no longer keep wholly under control now that he was drinking so heavily and his writing was going so badly。 Accidentally or not accidentally； he had broken Danny's arm。 He was going to lose his job； if not this year then the year after。 Already she had noticed the sympathetic looks from the other faculty wives。 She told herself that she had stuck with the messy job of her marriage for as long as she could。 Now she would have to leave it。
Jack could have full visitation rights； and she would want support from him only until she could find something and get on her feet…and that would have to be fairly rapidly because she didn't know how long Jack would be able to pay support money。 She would do it with as little bitterness as possible。 But it had to end。
So thinking； she had fallen off into her own thin and unrestful sleep； haunted by the faces of her own mother and father。 You're nothing but a home…wrecker； her mother said。 Who giveth this； woman？ the minister said。 I do； her father said。 But in the bright and sunny morning she felt the same。 Her back to him； her hands plunged in warm dishwater up to the wrists； she had menced with the unpleasantness。
〃I want to talk to you about something that might be best for Danny and I。 For you too； maybe。 We should have talked about it before； I guess。〃 And then he had said an odd thing。 She had expected to discover his anger； to provoke the bitterness； the recriminations。 She had expected a mad dash for the liquor cabinet。 But not this soft； almost toneless reply that was so unlike him。
It was almost as though the Jack she had lived with for six years had never e back last night…as if he had been replaced by some unearthly doppelganger that she would never know or be quite sure of。
〃Would you do something for me？ A favor？〃
〃What？〃 She had to discipline her voice strictly to keep it from trembling。
〃Let's talk about it in a week。 If you still want to〃 And she had agreed。 It remained unspoken between them。 During that week he had seen Al Shockley more than ever； but he came home early and there was no liquor on his breath。 She imagined she smelled it； but knew it wasn't so。 Another week。
And another。
Divorce went back to mittee； unvoted on。
What had happened？ She still wondered and still had not the slightest idea。
The subject was taboo between them。 He was like a man who had leaned around a corner and had seen an unexpected monster lying in wait； crouching among the dried bones of its old kills。 The liquor remained in the cabinet； but he didn't touch it。 She had considered throwing them out a dozen times but in the end always backed away from the idea； as if some unknown charm would be broken by the act。
And there was Danny's part in it to consider。
If she felt she didn't know her husband； then she was in awe of her child…awe in the strict meaning of that word： a kind of undefined superstitious dread。
Dozing lightly； the image of the instant of his birth was presented to her。
She was again lying on the delivery table； bathed in sweat； her hair in strings； her feet splayed out in the stirrups （and a little high from the gas they kept giving her whiffs of； at one point she had muttered that she felt like an advertisement for gang rape； and the nurse； an old bird who had assisted at the births of enough children to populate a high school； found that extremely funny） the doctor between her legs； the nurse off to one side； arranging instruments and humming。 The sharp； glassy pains had been ing at steadily shortening intervals； and several times she had screamed in spite of her shame。
Then the doctor told her quite sternly that she must PUSH； and she did； and then she felt something being taken from her。 It was a clear and distinct feeling； one she would never forget…the thing taken。 Then the doctor held her son up by the legs…she had seen his tiny sex and known he was a boy immediately… and as the doctor groped for the airmask； she had seen something else； something so horrible that she found the strength to scream again after she had thought all screams were used up： He has no face！
But of course there had been a face； Danny's own sweet face； and the caul that had covered it at birth now resided in a small jar which she had kept； almost shamefully。 She did not hold with old superstition； but she had kept the caul nevertheless。 She did not hold with wives' tales； but the boy had been unusual from the first。 She did not believe in second sight but… Did Daddy have an accident？ I dreamed Daddy had an accident。
Something had changed him。 She didn't believe it was just her getting ready to ask for a divorce that had done it。 Something had happened before that morning。
Something that had happened while she slept uneasily。 Al Shockley said that nothing had happened； nothing at all； but he had averted his eyes when he said it； and if you believed faculty gossip； Al had also climbed aboard the fabled wagon。
Did Daddy have an accident？
Maybe a chance collision with fate； surely nothing much more concrete。 She had read that day's paper and the next day's with a closer eye than usual； but she saw nothing she could connect with Jack。 God help her； she had been looking for a hit…and…run accident or a barroom brawl that had resulted in serious injuries or 。 。 。 who knew？ Who wanted to？ But no policeman came to call； either to ask questions or with a warrant empowering him to take paint scrapings from the WV's bumpers。 Nothing。 Only her husband's one hundred and eighty degree change and her son's sleepy question on waking： Did Daddy have an accident？ I dreamed 。 。 。
She had stuck with Jack more for Danny's sake than she would admit in her waking hours； but now； sleeping lightly； she could admit it： Danny had been Jack's for the asking； almost from the first。 Just as she had been her father's； almost from the first。 She couldn't remember Danny ever spitting a bottle back on Jack's shirt。 Jack could get him to eat after she had given up in disgust； even when Danny was teething and it gave him visible pain to chew。 When Danny had a stomachache； she would rock him for an hour before he began to quiet； Jack had only to pick him up； walk twice around the room with him； and Danny would be asleep on lack's shoulder； his thumb securely corked in his mouth。
He hadn't minded changing diapers； even those he called the special deliveries。 He sat with Danny for hours on end； bouncing him on his lap； playing finger games with him； making faces at him while Danny poked at his nose and then collapsed with the giggles。 He made formulas and administered them faultlessly； getting up every last burp afterward。 He would take Danny with him in the car to get the paper or a bottle of milk or nails at the hardware store even when their son was still an infant。 He had taken Danny to a Stovington… Keene soccer match when Danny was only six months old； and Danny had sat motionlessly on his father's lap through the whole game； wrapped in a blanket； a small Stovington pennant clutched in one chubby fist。
He loved his mother but he was his father's boy。
And hadn't she felt； time and time again； her son's wordless opposition to the whole idea of divorce？ She would be thinking about it in the kitchen； turning it over in her mind as she turned the potatoes for supper over in her hands for the peeler's blade。 And she would turn around to see him sitting cross…legged in a kitchen chair； looking at her with eyes that seemed both frightened and accusatory。 Walking with him in the park； he would suddenly seize both her h