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remainder of his days in rural ease and dignity； and all this he
managed to accomplish； he disposed of his business； purchased a
beautiful and extensive estate for fourscore thousand pounds； built
upon it the mansion to which I had the honour of welcoming you to…
day； married the daughter of a neighbouring squire； who brought him
a fortune of five thousand pounds； became a magistrate； and only
wanted a son and heir to make him completely happy； this blessing；
it is true； was for a long time denied him； it came； however； at
last； as is usual； when least expected。 His lady was brought to
bed of my father； and then who so happy a man as my grandsire； he
gave away two thousand pounds in charities； and in the joy of his
heart made a speech at the next quarter sessions； the rest of his
life was spent in ease； tranquillity； and rural dignity； he died of
apoplexy on the day that my father came of age； perhaps it would be
difficult to mention a man who in all respects was so fortunate as
my grandfather： his death was sudden it is true； but I am not one
of those who pray to be delivered from a sudden death。
'I should not call my father a fortunate man； it is true that he
had the advantage of a first…rate education； that he made the grand
tour with a private tutor； as was the fashion at that time； that he
came to a splendid fortune on the very day that he came of age；
that for many years he tasted all the diversions of the capital
that； at last determined to settle； he married the sister of a
baronet； an amiable and accomplished lady； with a large fortune；
that he had the best stud of hunters in the county； on which；
during the season； he followed the fox gallantly； had he been a
fortunate man he would never have cursed his fate； as he was
frequently known to do； ten months after his marriage his horse
fell upon him； and so injured him； that he expired in a few days in
great agony。 My grandfather was； indeed； a fortunate man； when he
died he was followed to the grave by the tears of the poor … my
father was not。
'Two remarkable circumstances are connected with my birth … I am a
posthumous child； and came into the world some weeks before the
usual time； the shock which my mother experienced at my father's
death having brought on the pangs of premature labour； both my
mother's life and my own were at first despaired of； we both；
however； survived the crisis。 My mother loved me with the most
passionate fondness； and I was brought up in this house under her
own eye … I was never sent to school。
'I have already told you that mine is not a tale of adventure； my
life has not been one of action； but of wild imaginings and strange
sensations； I was born with excessive sensibility； and that has
been my bane。 I have not been a fortunate man。
'No one is fortunate unless he is happy； and it is impossible for a
being constructed like myself to be happy for an hour； or even
enjoy peace and tranquillity； most of our pleasures and pains are
the effects of imagination； and wherever the sensibility is great；
the imagination is great also。 No sooner has my imagination raised
up an image of pleasure； than it is sure to conjure up one of
distress and gloom； these two antagonist ideas instantly commence a
struggle in my mind； and the gloomy one generally； I may say
invariably； prevails。 How is it possible that I should be a happy
man？
'It has invariably been so with me from the earliest period that I
can remember； the first playthings that were given me caused me for
a few minutes excessive pleasure： they were pretty and glittering；
presently； however； I became anxious and perplexed； I wished to
know their history； how they were made； and what of … were the
materials precious？ I was not satisfied with their outward
appearance。 In less than an hour I had broken the playthings in an
attempt to discover what they were made of。
'When I was eight years of age my uncle the baronet； who was also
my godfather； sent me a pair of Norway hawks； with directions for
managing them； he was a great fowler。 Oh； how rejoiced was I with
the present which had been made me； my joy lasted for at least five
minutes； I would let them breed； I would have a house of hawks；
yes； that I would … but … and here came the unpleasant idea …
suppose they were to flyaway； how very annoying！ Ah； but； said
hope； there's little fear of that； feed them well and they will
never fly away； or if they do they will come back； my uncle says
so； so sunshine triumphed for a little time。 Then the strangest of
all doubts came into my head； I doubted the legality of my tenure
of these hawks； how did I come by them？ why； my uncle gave them to
me； but how did they come into his possession？ what right had he to
them？ after all； they might not be his to give。 I passed a
sleepless night。 The next morning I found that the man who brought
the hawks had not departed。 〃How came my uncle by these hawks？〃 I
anxiously inquired。 〃They were sent to him from Norway； master；
with another pair。〃 〃And who sent them？〃 〃That I don't know；
master； but I suppose his honour can tell you。〃 I was even
thinking of scrawling a letter to my uncle to make inquiry on this
point； but shame restrained me； and I likewise reflected that it
would be impossible for him to give my mind entire satisfaction； it
is true he could tell who sent him the hawks； but how was he to
know how the hawks came into the possession of those who sent them
to him； and by what right they possessed them or the parents of the
hawks？ In a word； I wanted a clear valid title； as lawyers would
say； to my hawks； and I believe no title would have satisfied me
that did not extend up to the time of the first hawk； that is；
prior to Adam； and； could I have obtained such a title； I make no
doubt that； young as I was； I should have suspected that it was
full of flaws。
'I was now disgusted with the hawks； and no wonder； seeing all the
disquietude they had caused me； I soon totally neglected the poor
birds； and they would have starved had not some of the servants
taken compassion upon them and fed them。 My uncle； soon hearing of
my neglect； was angry； and took the birds away； he was a very good…
natured man； however； and soon sent me a fine pony； at first I was
charmed with the pony； soon； however； the same kind of thoughts
arose which had disgusted me on a former occasion。 How did my
uncle become possessed of the pony？ This question I asked him the
first time I saw him。 Oh； he had bought it of a gypsy； that I
might learn to ride upon it。 A gypsy； I had heard that gypsies
were great thieves； and I instantly began to fear that the gypsy
had stolen the pony； and it is probable that for this apprehension
I had better grounds than for many others。 I instantly ceased to
set any value upon the pony； but for that reason； perhaps； I turned
it to some account； I mounted it and rode it about； which I don't
think I should have done had I looked upon it as a secure
possession。 Had I looked upon my title as secure； I should have
prized it so much； that I should scarcely have mounted it for fear
of injuring the animal； but now； caring not a straw for it； I rode
it most unmercifully； and soon became a capital rider。 This was
very selfish in me； and I tell the fact with shame。 I was
punished； however； as I deserved； the pony had a spirit of its own；
and； moreover； it had belonged to gypsies； once； as I was riding it
furiously over the lawn； applying both whip and spur； it suddenly
lifted up its heels； and flung me at least five yards over its
head。 I received some desperate contusions； and was taken up for
dead； it was many months before I perfectly recovered。
'But it is time for me to come to the touching part of my story。
There was one thing that I loved better than the choicest gift
which could be bestowed upon me； better than life itself … my
mother； … at length she became unwell； and the thought that I might
possibly lose her now rushed into my mind for the first time； it
was terrible； and caused me unspeakable misery； I may say horror。
My mother became worse； and I was not allowed to enter her
apartment； lest by my frantic exclamations of grief I might
aggravate her disorder。 I rested neither day nor night； but roamed
about the house like one distracted。 Suddenly I found myself doing
that which even at the time struck me as being highly singular； I
found myself touching particular objects that were near me； and to
which my fingers seemed to be attracted by an irresistible impulse。
It was now the table or the chair that I was compelled to touch；
now the bell…rope； now the handle of the door； now I would touch
the wall； and the next moment； stooping down； I would place the
point of my finger upon the floor：