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say what it was； as I sat with greedy ears listening to their
discourse。
'I lay awake the greater part of the night musing upon what I had
heard。 I kept wondering to myself what must be the state of a
person who had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost； and how he
must feel。 Once or twice I felt a strong inclination to commit it；
a strange kind of fear； however； prevented me； at last I determined
not to commit it； and； having said my prayers； I fell asleep。
'When I awoke in the morning the first thing I thought of was the
mysterious sin； and a voice within me seemed to say； 〃Commit it〃；
and I felt a strong temptation to do so； even stronger than in the
night。 I was just about to yield； when the same dread； of which I
have already spoken； came over me； and； springing out of bed； I
went down on my knees。 I slept in a small room alone； to which I
ascended by a wooden stair； open to the sky。 I have often thought
since that it is not a good thing for children to sleep alone。
'After breakfast I went to school； and endeavoured to employ myself
upon my tasks； but all in vain； I could think of nothing but the
sin against the Holy Ghost； my eyes； instead of being fixed upon my
book； wandered in vacancy。 My master observed my inattention； and
chid me。 The time came for saying my task； and I had not acquired
it。 My master reproached me； and； yet more； he beat me； I felt
shame and anger； and I went home with a full determination to
commit the sin against the Holy Ghost。
'But when I got home my father ordered me to do something connected
with the farm； so that I was compelled to exert myself； I was
occupied till night； and was so busy that I almost forgot the sin
and my late resolution。 My work completed； I took my supper； and
went to my room； I began my prayers； and； when they were ended； I
thought of the sin； but the temptation was slight； I felt very
tired； and was presently asleep。
'Thus； you see； I had plenty of time allotted me by a gracious and
kind God to reflect on what I was about to do。 He did not permit
the enemy of souls to take me by surprise； and to hurry me at once
into the commission of that which was to be my ruin here and
hereafter。 Whatever I did was of my own free will； after I had had
time to reflect。 Thus God is justified； He had no hand in my
destruction； but； on the contrary； He did all that was compatible
with justice to prevent it。 I hasten to the fatal moment。 Awaking
in the night； I determined that nothing should prevent my
committing the sin。 Arising from my bed； I went out upon the
wooden gallery； and having stood for a few moments looking at the
stars； with which the heavens were thickly strewn； I laid myself
down； and supporting my face with my hand； I murmured out words of
horror； words not to be repeated； and in this manner I committed
the sin against the Holy Ghost。
'When the words were uttered I sat up upon the topmost step of the
gallery； for some time I felt stunned in somewhat the same manner
as I once subsequently felt after being stung by an adder。 I soon
arose； however； and retired to my bed； where； notwithstanding what
I had done； I was not slow in falling asleep。
'I awoke several times during the night； each time with the dim
idea that something strange and monstrous had occurred； but I
presently fell asleep again； in the morning I awoke with the same
vague feeling； but presently recollection returned； and I
remembered that I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost。 I
lay musing for some time on what I had done； and I felt rather
stunned； as before； at last I arose and got out of bed； dressed
myself； and then went down on my knees； and was about to pray from
the force of mechanical habit； before I said a word； however； I
recollected myself； and got up again。 What was the use of praying？
I thought； I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost。
'I went to school； but sat stupefied。 I was again chidden； again
beaten； by my master。 I felt no anger this time； and scarcely
heeded the strokes。 I looked； however； at my master's face； and
thought to myself； you are beating me for being idle； as you
suppose； poor man； what would you do if you knew I had committed
the sin against the Holy Ghost？
'Days and weeks passed by。 I had once been cheerful； and fond of
the society of children of my own age； but I was now reserved and
gloomy。 It seemed to me that a gulf separated me from all my
fellow…creatures。 I used to look at my brothers and schoolfellows；
and think how different I was from them； they had not done what I
had。 I seemed； in my own eyes； a lone monstrous being； and yet；
strange to say； I felt a kind of pride in being so。 I was unhappy；
but I frequently thought to myself； I have done what no one else
would dare to do； there was something grand in the idea； I had yet
to learn the horror of my condition。
'Time passed on； and I began to think less of what I had done； I
began once more to take pleasure in my childish sports； I was
active； and excelled at football and the like all the lads of my
age。 I likewise began； what I had never done before； to take
pleasure in the exercises of the school。 I made great progress in
Welsh and English grammar； and learnt to construe Latin。 My master
no longer chid or beat me； but one day told my father that he had
no doubt that one day I should be an honour to Wales。
'Shortly after this my father fell sick； the progress of the
disorder was rapid； feeling his end approaching； he called his
children before him。 After tenderly embracing us； he said 〃God
bless you； my children； I am going from you； but take comfort； I
trust that we shall all meet again in heaven。'
'As he uttered these last words； horror took entire possession of
me。 Meet my father in heaven； … how could I ever hope to meet him
there？ I looked wildly at my brethren and at my mother； they were
all bathed in tears； but how I envied them。 They might hope to
meet my father in heaven； but how different were they from me； they
had never committed the unpardonable sin。
'In a few days my father died； he left his family in comfortable
circumstances； at least such as would be considered so in Wales；
where the wants of the people are few。 My elder brother carried on
the farm for the benefit of my mother and us all。 In course of
time my brothers were put out to various trades。 I still remained
at school； but without being a source of expense to my relations；
as I was by this time able to assist my master in the business of
the school。
'I was diligent both in self…improvement and in the instruction of
others； nevertheless； a horrible weight pressed upon my breast； I
knew I was a lost being； that for me there was no hope； that；
though all others might be saved； I must of necessity be lost； I
had committed the unpardonable sin； for which I was doomed to
eternal punishment； in the flaming gulf； as soon as life was over！
… and how long could I hope to live？ perhaps fifty years； at the
end of which I must go to my place； and then I would count the
months and the days； nay； even the hours； which yet intervened
between me and my doom。 Sometimes I would comfort myself with the
idea that a long time would elapse before my time would be out； but
then again I thought that； however long the term might be； it must
be out at last； and then I would fall into an agony； during which I
would almost wish that the term were out； and that I were in my
place； the horrors of which I thought could scarcely be worse than
what I then endured。
'There was one thought about this time which caused me unutterable
grief and shame； perhaps more shame than grief。 It was that my
father； who was gone to heaven； and was there daily holding
communion with his God； was by this time aware of my crime。 I
imagined him looking down from the clouds upon his wretched son；
with a countenance of inexpressible horror。 When this idea was
upon me； I would often rush to some secret place to hide myself； to
some thicket； where I would cast myself on the ground； and thrust
my head into a thick bush； in order to escape from the horror…
struck glance of my father above in the clouds； and there I would
continue groaning till the agony had； in some degree； passed away。
'The wretchedness of my state increasing daily； it at last became
apparent to the master of the school； who questioned me earnestly
and affectionately。 I； however； gave him no satisfactory answer；
being apprehensive that； if I unbosomed myself； I should become as
much an object of horror to him as I had long been to myself。 At
length he suspected that I was unsettled in my intellects； and；
fearing probably the ill effect of my presence upon his scholars；
he advised me to go hom