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I mean； after she had declared that you would have fallen in love with my
brother if you had met him firstand after Nugent （at her instigation no
doubt） had taken advantage of your blindness to make you believe that you
were speaking to _me。_ When you were smarting under the insult； and when
you had found out the trick； what did you say？
〃You said theseor nearly thesewords：
〃 'She hated you from the first； Oscarshe took up with your brother
directly he came here。 Don't marry me at Dimchurch！ Find out some place
that they don't know of！ They are both in a conspiracy together against
you and against me。 Take care of them！ take care of them！'
〃Lucilla！ I echo your own words to you。 I return the warningthe
prophetic warningwhich you unconsciously gave me in that past time。 I
am afraid my unhappy brother loves youand I know for certain that
Madame Pratolungo feels the interest in _him_ which she has never felt in
_me。_ What you said； I say。 They are in a conspiracy together against us。
Take care of them！ take care of them！
〃When we meet again； I shall be prepared to defeat the conspiracy。 Till
that time comesas you value your happiness and mine； don't let Madame
Pratolungo suspect that you have discovered her。 It is she； I firmly
believe； who is to blame。 I am going to my brotheras you will now
understandwith an object far different to the object which I put
forward as an excuse to your false friend。 Fear no dispute between Nugent
and me。 I know him。 I firmly believe I shall find that he has been
tempted and misled。 I answernow that no evil influences are at work on
himfor his acting like an honorable man； and deserving your pardon and
mine。 The excuse I have made to Madame Pratolungo will prevent her from
interfering between us。 That was my one object in making it。
〃Keep me correctly informed of your movements and of hers。 I enclose an
address to which you can write； with the certainty that your letters will
be forwarded。
〃On my side； I promise to write constantly。 Once more； don't trust a
living creature about you with the secret which this letter reveals！
Expect me back at the earliest possible moment； to free youwith a
husband's authorityfrom the woman who has so cruelly deceived
us。Yours with the truest affection； the fondest love；
〃OSCAR。〃
＇Note。It is quite needless for me to dwell here on the devilish
cunningI can use no other phrasewhich inspired this abominable
letter。 Look back to the twenty…seventh and twenty…eighth chapters； and
you will see how skillfully what I said in a moment of foolish
irritation； and what Lucilla said when she too had lost her temper； is
turned to account to poison her mind against me。 We are made innocently
to supply our enemy with the foundation on which he builds his plot。 For
the rest； the letter explains itself。 Nugent still persists in
personating his brother。 He guesses easily at the excuse I should make to
Lucilla for his absence； and he gets over the difficulty of appearing to
have confided his errand to a woman whom he distrusts； by declaring that
he felt it necessary to deceive me as to what the nature of that errand
really was。 As the Journal proceeds； you will see how dexterously he
works the machinery which his letter has set in motion。 All I need add
here； in the way of explanation； isthat the delay in his arrival at
Ramsgate of which Lucilla complains； was caused by nothing but his own
hesitation。 His sense of honoras I knew； from discoveries made at a
later timewas not entirely lost yet。 The lower he sank； the harder his
better nature struggled to raise him。 Nothing； positively nothing； but
his own remorse need have kept him at Paris （it is needless to say that
he never stirred farther； and never discovered the place of his brother's
retreat） after Lucilla had informed him by letter； that I had gone
abroad； and that she was at Ramsgate with her aunt。 I have done： let
Lucilla go on again。P。＇
I have read Oscar's letter once more。
He is the soul of honor； he is incapable of deceiving me。 I remember
saying what he tells me I said； and thinking it toofor the moment
onlywhen I was beside myself with rage。 Stillmay it not be possible
that appearances have misled Oscar？ Oh； Madame Pratolungo！ I had such a
high opinion of you； I loved you so dearlycan you have been unworthy of
the admiration and affection that you once inspired in me？
I quite agree with Oscar that his brother is not to blame。 It is sad and
shocking that Mr。 Nugent Dubourg should have allowed himself to fall in
love with me。 But I cannot help pitying him。 Poor disfigured man； I hope
he will get a good wife！ How he must have suffered！
It is impossible to endure； any longer； my present state of suspense。
Oscar must； and shall； satisfy me about Madame Pratolungowith his own
lips。 I shall write to him by this post； and insist on his coming to
Ramsgate。
_August_ 29th。I wrote to him yesterday； to the address in Paris。 My
letter will be delivered to…morrow。 Where is he？ when will he get it？
＇Note。That innocent letter did its fatal mischief。 It ended the
struggle against himself which had kept Nugent Dubourg in Paris。 On the
morning when he received it； he started for England。 Here is the entry in
Lucilla's journal。P。＇
_August_ 31st。A telegram for me at breakfast…time。 I am too happy to
keep my hand steadyI am writing horribly。 It doesn't matter： nothing
matters but my telegram。 （Oh； what a noble creature the man was who
invented telegrams！） Oscar is on his way to Ramsgate！
CHAPTER THE FORTY…THIRD
Lucilla's Journal； continued
_September_ 1st。
I AM composed enough to return to my Journal； and to let my mind dwell a
little on all that I have thought and felt since Oscar has been here。
Now that I have lost Madame Pratolungo； I have no friend with whom I can
talk over my little secrets。 My aunt is all that is kind and good to me；
but with a person so much older than I amwho has lived in such a
different world from my world； and whose ideas seem to be so far away
from minehow can I talk about my follies and extravagances； and expect
sympathy in return！ My one confidential friend is my JournalI can only
talk about myself to myself； in these pages。 My position feels sometimes
like a very lonely one。 I saw two girls telling all their secrets to each
other on the sands to…dayand I am afraid I envied them。
Well； my dear Journal； how did I feelafter longing for Oscarwhen
Oscar came to me？ It is dreadful to own it； but my book locks up； and my
book can be trusted with the truth。 I felt ready to cryI was so
unexpectedly； so horribly； disappointed。
No。 〃Disappointed〃 is not the word。 I can't find the word。 There was a
momentI hardly dare write it： it seems so atrociously wickedthere was
a moment when I actually wished myself blind again。
He took me in his arms； he held my hand in his。 In the time when I was
blind； how I should have felt it！ how the delicious _tingle_ would have
run through me when he touched me！ Nothing of the kind happened now。 He
might have been Oscar's brother for all the effect he produced on me。 I
have myself taken his hand since； and shut my eyes to try and renew my
blindness； and put myself back completely as I was in the old time。 The
same result still。 Nothing； nothing； nothing！
Is it that he is a little restrained with me on his side？ He certainly
is！ I felt it the moment he came into the roomI have felt it ever
since。
No： it is not that。 In the old time； when we were only beginning to love
each other； he was restrained with me。 But it made no difference then。 I
was not the insensible creature in those days that I have become since。
I can only account for it in one way。 The restoration of my sight has
made a new creature of me。 I have gained a senseI am no longer the same
woman。 This great change must have had some influence over me that I
never suspected until Oscar came here。 Can the loss of my sense of
feeling be the price that I have paid for the recovery of my sense of
sight？
When Grosse comes next； I shall put that question to him。
In the meanwhile； I have had a second disappointment。 He is not nearly so
beautiful as I thought he was when I was blind。
On the day when my bandage was taken off for the first time； I could only
see indistinctly。 When I ran into the room at the rectory； I guessed it
was Oscar rather than knew it was Oscar。 My father's grey head； and Mrs。
Finch's woman's dress； would no doubt have helped anybody in my place to
fix as I did on the right man。 But this is all different now。 I can see
his features in detailand the result is （though I won't own it to any
of them） that I find my idea of him in the days of my blindnessoh； so
unlike the reality！ The one thing that is not a disappointment to me； is
his voice。 When he cannot see me； I close my eyes； and let my ears feel
the old charm againso far。
And this is what I have gained； by submitting to the operation； and
enduring my imprisonment in the darkened room！
What am I writing？ I ought to be ashamed of myself！ Is it nothing to have
had all the beauty of land and sea； all the glory of cloud and sunshine；
revealed to me？ Is it nothing to be able to look at