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Nugent； to win back my old regard for you。〃
〃Is it？〃 he answered scornfully。 〃I know better than that。 You are not
talking to Oscar nowyou are talking to a man who has had some
experience of women。 I know how you all hold to your opinions because
they are your opinionswithout asking yourselves whether they are right
or wrong。 There are men who could understand me and pity me。 No woman can
do it。 The best and cleverest among you don't know what love isas a man
feels it。 It isn't the frenzy with You that it is with Us。 It
acknowledges restraints in a womanit bursts through everything in a
man。 It robs him of his intelligence； his honor； his self…respectit
levels him with the brutesit debases him into idiocyit lashes him
into madness。 I tell you I am not accountable for my own actions。 The
kindest thing you could do for me would be to shut me up in a madhouse。
The best thing I could do for myself would be to cut my throat。Oh； yes！
this is a shocking way of talking； isn't it？ I ought to struggle against
itas you say。 I ought to summon my self…control。 Ha！ ha！ ha！ Here is a
clever womanhere is an experienced woman。 And yetthough she has seen
me in Lucilla's company hundreds of timesshe has never once discovered
the signs of a struggle in me！ From the moment when I first saw that
heavenly creature； it has been one long fight against myself； one
infernal torment of shame and remorse； and this clever friend of mine has
observed so little and knows so little； that she can only view my conduct
in one lightit is the conduct of a coward and a villain！〃
He got up； and took a turn in the room。 I wasnaturally； I thinka
little irritated by his way of putting it。 A man assuming to know more
about love than a woman！ Was there ever such a monstrous perversion of
the truth as that？ I appeal to the women！
〃You ought to be the last person to blame me；〃 I said。 〃I had too high an
opinion of you to suspect what was going on。 I will never make the same
mistake againI promise you that！〃
He came back； and stood still in front of me； looking me hard in the
face。
〃Do you really mean to say you saw nothing to set you thinking； on the
day when I first met her？〃 he asked。 〃You were there in the roomdidn't
you see that she struck me dumb？ Did you notice nothing suspicious at a
later time？ When I was suffering martyrdom； if I only looked at herwas
there nothing to be seen in me which told its own tale？〃
〃I noticed that you were never at your ease with her；〃 I replied。 〃But I
liked you and trusted youand I failed to understand it。 That's all。〃
〃Did you fail to understand everything that followed？ Didn't I speak to
her father？ Didn't I try to hasten Oscar's marriage？〃
It was true。 He _had_ tried。
〃When we first talked of his telling Lucilla of the discoloration of his
face； did I not agree with you that he ought to put himself right with
her； in his own interests？〃
True again。 Impossible to deny that he had sided with my view。
〃When she all but found it out for herself； whose influence was used to
make him own it？ Mine！ What did I do； when he tried to confess it； and
failed to make her understand him？ what did I do when she first committed
the mistake of believing _me_ to be the disfigured man？〃
The audacity of that last question fairly took away my breath。 〃You
cruelly helped to deceive her；〃 I answered indignantly。 〃You basely
encouraged your brother in his fatal policy of silence。〃
He looked at me with an angry amazement on his side which more than
equaled the angry amazement on mine。
〃So much for the delicate perception of a woman！〃 he exclaimed。 〃So much
for the wonderful tact which is the peculiar gift of the sex！ You can see
no motive but a bad motive in my sacrificing myself for Oscar's sake？〃
I began to discern faintly that there might have been another than a bad
motive for his conduct。 Butwell！ I dare say I was wrong； I resented the
tone he was taking with me； I would have owned I had made a mistake to
anybody else in the world； I wouldn't own it to _him。_ There！
〃Look back for one moment；〃 he resumed； in quieter and gentler tones。
〃See how hardly you have judged me！ I seized the opportunityI swear to
you this is trueI seized the opportunity of making myself an object of
horror to her； the moment I heard of the mistake that she had made。 I
felt in myself that I was growing less and less capable of avoiding her；
and I caught at the chance of making _her_ avoid _me；_ I did thatand I
did more！ I entreated Oscar to let me leave Dimchurch。 He appealed to me；
in the name of our love for each other； to remain。 I couldn't resist him。
Where do you see signs of the conduct of a scoundrel in all this？ Would a
scoundrel have betrayed himself to you a dozen times overas I did in
that talk of ours in the summer…house？ I remember saying in so many
words； I wished I had never come to Dimchurch。 What reason but one could
there be for my saying that？ How is it that you never even asked me what
I meant？〃
〃You forget；〃 I interposed； 〃that I had no opportunity of asking you。
Lucilla interrupted us； and diverted my attention to other things。 What
do you mean by putting me on my defence in this way？〃 I went on； more and
more irritated by the tone he was taking with me。 〃What right have you to
judge my conduct？〃
He looked at me with a kind of vacant surprise。
〃_Have_ I been judging your conduct？〃 he asked。
〃Yes。〃
〃Perhaps I was thinking； if you had seen my infatuation in time you
might have checked it in time。 No！〃 he exclaimed； before I could answer
him。 〃Nothing could have checked itnothing will cure it but my death。
Let us try to agree。 I beg your pardon if I have offended you。 I am
willing to take a just view of your conduct。 Will you take a just view of
mine？〃
I tried hard to take a just view。 Though I resented his manner of
speaking to me； I nevertheless secretly felt for him； as I have
confessed。 Still I could not forget that he had attempted to attract to
himself Lucilla's first look； on the day when she tried her sightthat
he had personated his brother to Lucilla that very morningthat he had
suffered his brother to go away heart…broken； a voluntary exile from all
that he held dear。 No！ I could feel for him； but I could _not_ take a
just view of him。 I sat down； and said nothing。
He returned to the question between us； treating me with the needful
politeness； when he spoke next。 For all that； he alarmed me； by what he
now said； as he had not alarmed me yet。
〃I repeat what I have already told you；〃 he proceeded。 〃I am no longer
accountable for what I do。 If I know anything of myself； I believe it
will be useless to trust me in the future。 While I am capable of speaking
the truth； let me tell it。 Whatever happens at a later timeremember
this； I have honestly made a clean breast of it to…night。〃
〃Stop！〃 I cried。 〃I don't understand your reckless way of talking。 Every
man is accountable for what he does。〃
He checked me there by an impatient wave of his hand。
〃Keep your opinion； I don't dispute it。 You will see； you will
see。Madame Pratolungo； the day when we had that private talk of ours in
the rectory summer…house； marks a memorable date in my calendar。 My last
honest struggle to be true to my poor Oscar ended with that day。 The
efforts I have made since then have been little better than mere
outbreaks of despair。 They have done nothing to help me against the
passion that has become the one feeling and the one misery of my life。
Don't talk of resistance。 All resistance stops at a certain point。 Since
the time I have told you of； _my_ resistance has reached its limits。 You
have heard how I struggled against temptation； as long as I could resist
it。 I have only to tell you how I have yielded to it now。〃
The reckless； shameless composure with which he said that； began to set
me against him once more。 The perpetual shifts and contradictions in him；
bewildered and irritated me。 Quicksilver itself seemed to be less
slippery to lay hold of than this man。
〃Do you remember the day；〃 he asked； 〃when Lucilla lost her temper； and
received you so rudely at your visit to Browndown？〃
I made a sign in the affirmative。
〃You spoke； a little while since； of my personating Oscar to her。 I
personated him； on the occasion I have just mentioned； for the first
time。 You were present and heard me。 Did you care to speculate on the
motives which made me impose myself on her as my brother？〃
〃As well as I can remember；〃 I answered； 〃I made the first guess that
occurred to me。 I thought you were indulging in a moment's mischievous
amusement at Lucilla's expense。
〃I was indulging the passion that consumed me！ I longed to feel the
luxury of her touching me and being familiar with me； under the
impression that I was Oscar。 Worse even than that； I wanted to try how
completely I could impose on herhow easily I might marry her； if I
could only deceive you all； and take her away somewhere by herself。 The
devil was in possession of me。 I don't know how it might have ended； if
Oscar had not come in； and if Lucilla had not burst out as she did。 She
distressed meshe frightened meshe gave me back again to my bette