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Oh！ Allow me to give you a word of advice
The title's uncommonly dear at the price！
（Exit Robin。）
（Enter Despard and Margaret。 They are both dressed in sober black
of formal cut； and present a strong contrast to their
appearance in Act I。）
DUET。
DES。 I once was a very abandoned person
MAR。 Making the most of evil chances。
DES。 Nobody could conceive a worse 'un
MAR。 Even in all the old romances。
DES。 I blush for my wild extravagances；
But be so kind
To bear in mind；
MAR。 We were the victims of circumstances！
（Dance。）
That is one of our blameless dances。
MAR。 I was once an exceedingly odd young lady
DES。 Suffering much from spleen and vapours。
MAR。 Clergymen thought my conduct shady
DES。 She didn't spend much upon linen…drapers。
MAR。 It certainly entertained the gapers。
My ways were strange
Beyond all range
DES。 Paragraphs got into all the papers。
（Dance。）
DES。 We only cut respectable capers。
DES。 I've given up all my wild proceedings。
MAR。 My taste for a wandering life is waning。
DES。 Now I'm a dab at penny readings。
MAR。 They are not remarkably entertaining。
DES。 A moderate livelihood we're gaining。
MAR。 In fact we rule
A National School。
DES。 The duties are dull； but I'm not complaining。
（Dance。）
This sort of thing takes a deal of training！
DES。 We have been married a week。
MAR。 One happy； happy week！
DES。 Our new life
MAR。 Is delightful indeed！
DES。 So calm！
MAR。 So unimpassioned！ （Wildly）。 Master； all this I owe
to you！ See； I am no longer wild and untidy。 My hair is combed。
My face is washed。 My boots fit！
DES。 Margaret； don't。 Pray restrain yourself。 Remember；
you are now a district visitor。
MAR。 A gentle district visitor！
DES。 You are orderly； methodical； neat； you have your
emotions well under control。
MAR。 I have！ （Wildly）。 Master； when I think of all you
have done for me； I fall at your feet。 I embrace your ankles。 I
hug your knees！ （Doing so。）
DES。 Hush。 This is not well。 This is calculated to
provoke remark。 Be composed； I beg！
MAR。 Ah！ you are angry with poor little Mad Margaret！
DES。 No； not angry； but a district visitor should learn to
eschew melodrama。 Visit the poor； by all means； and give them
tea and barley…water； but don't do it as if you were
administering a bowl of deadly nightshade。 It upsets them。 Then
when you nurse sick people； and find them not as well as could be
expected； why go into hysterics？
MAR。 Why not？
DES。 Because it's too jumpy for a sick…room。
MAR。 How strange！ Oh； Master！ Master！how shall I express
the all…absorbing gratitude that（about to throw herself at his
feet）。
DES。 Now！ （Warningly）。
MAR。 Yes； I know； dearit shan't occur again。 （He is
seatedshe sits on the ground by him。） Shall I tell you one of
poor Mad Margaret's odd thoughts？ Well； then； when I am lying
awake at night； and the pale moonlight streams through the
latticed casement； strange fancies crowd upon my poor mad brain；
and I sometimes think that if we could hit upon some word for you
to use whenever I am about to relapsesome word that teems with
hidden meaninglike 〃Basingstoke〃it might recall me to my
saner self。 For； after all； I am only Mad Margaret！ Daft Meg！
Poor Meg！ He！ he！ he！
DES。 Poor child； she wanders！ But softsome one
comesMargaretpray recollect yourselfBasingstoke； I beg！
Margaret； if you don't Basingstoke at once； I shall be seriously
angry。
MAR。 （recovering herself）。 Basingstoke it is！
DES。 Then make it so。
（Enter Robin。 He starts on seeing them。）
ROB。 Despard！ And his young wife！ This visit is
unexpected。
MAR。 Shall I fly at him？ Shall I tear him limb from limb？
Shall I rend him asunder？ Say but the word and
DES。 Basingstoke！
MAR。 （suddenly demure）。 Basingstoke it is！
DES。 （aside）。 Then make it so。 （Aloud。） My brotherI
call you brother still； despite your horrible profligacywe have
come to urge you to abandon the evil courses to which you have
committed yourself； and at any cost to become a pure and
blameless ratepayer。
ROB。 But I've done no wrong yet。
MAR。 （wildly）。 No wrong！ He has done no wrong！ Did you
hear that！
DES。 Basingstoke！
MAR。 （recovering herself）。 Basingstoke it is！
DES。 My brotherI still call you brother； you observeyou
forget that you have been； in the eye of the law； a Bad Baronet
of Ruddigore for ten yearsand you are therefore responsiblein
the eye of the lawfor all the misdeeds committed by the unhappy
gentleman who occupied your place。
ROB。 I see！ Bless my heart； I never thought of that！ Was
I very bad？
DES。 Awful。 Wasn't he？ （To Margaret）。
ROB。 And I've been going on like this for how long？
DES。 Ten years！ Think of all the atrocities you have
committedby attorney as it wereduring that period。 Remember
how you trifled with this poor child's affectionshow you raised
her hopes on high （don't cry； my loveBasingstoke； you know）；
only to trample them in the dust when they were at the very
zenith of their fullness。 Oh fie； sir； fieshe trusted you！
ROB。 Did she？ What a scoundrel I must have been！ There；
theredon't cry； my dear （to Margaret； who is sobbing on Robin's
breast）； it's all right now。 Birmingham； you knowBirmingham
MAR。 （sobbing）。 It's BaBaBasingstoke！
ROB。 Basingstoke！ Of course it isBasingstoke。
MAR。 Then make it so！
ROB。 There； thereit's all righthe's married you
nowthat is； I've married you （turning to Despard）I say； which
of us has married her？
DES。 Oh； I've married her。
ROB。 （aside）。 Oh； I'm glad of that。 （To Margaret。） Yes；
he's married you now （passing her over to Despard）； and anything
more disreputable than my conduct seems to have been I've never
even heard of。 But my mind is made upI will defy my ancestors。
I will refuse to obey their behests； thus； by courting death；
atone in some degree for the infamy of my career！
MAR。 I knew itI knew itGod bless
you（Hysterically）。
DES。 Basingstoke！
MAR。 Basingstoke it is！ （Recovers herself。）
PATTER…TRIO。
ROBIN； DESPARD； and MARGARET。
ROB。 My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
I shall go at once to Roderic and make him an oration。
I shall tell him I've recovered my forgotten moral senses；
And I don't care twopence…halfpenny for any consequences。
Now I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger；
But a martyr may indulge a little pardonable swagger；
And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter；
But I've got to die tomorrow； so it really doesn't matter！
DES。 So it really doesn't matter
MAR。 So it really doesn't matter
ALL。 So it really doesn't matter； matter； matter； matter； matter！
MAR。 If were not a little mad and generally silly
I should give you my advice upon the subject； willy…nilly；
I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the
question；
And you'd really be astonished at the force of my
suggestion。
On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter；
Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better；
But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter；
So I'll keep 'em to myself； for my opinion doesn't matter！
DES。 Her opinion doesn't matter
ROB。 Her opinion doesn't matter
ALL。 Her opinion doesn't matter； matter； matter； matter；
matter！
DES。 If I had been so lucky as to have a steady brother
Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another
Who could give me good advice when he discovered I was
erring
（Which is just the very favour which on you I am
conferring）；
My story would have made a rather interesting idyll；
And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle。
This particularly rapid； unintelligible patter
Isn't generally heard； and if it is it doesn't matter！
ROB。 If it is it doesn't matter
MAR。 If it is it doesn't m