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When I first put this uniform on！
Chorus of DRAGOONS
By a simple coincidence； few
Could ever have counted upon；
The same thing occurred to me；
When I first put this uniform on！
COL。 I said； when I first put it on；
〃It is plain to the veriest dunce；
That every beauty
Will feel it her duty
To yield to its glamour at once。
They will see that I'm freely gold…laced
In a uniform handsome and chaste〃
But the peripatetics
Of long…haired aesthetics
Are very much more to their taste
Which I never counted upon；
When I first put this uniform on！
CHORUS By a simple coincidence； few
Could ever have reckoned upon；
I didn't anticipate that；
When I first put this uniform on！
＇The DRAGOONS go off angrily； R。＇
＇Enter BUNTHORNE； L。U。E。； who changes his manner and becomes
intensely melodramatic。＇
No。 6。 Am I alone and unobserved？
（Recitative and Solo）
Bunthorne
BUN。 ＇Up…stage； he looks off L。 and R。＇
Am I alone；
And unobserved？ I am！
＇comes down＇
Then let me own
I'm an aesthetic sham！
＇and walks tragically to down…stage； C。＇
This air severe
Is but a mere
Veneer！
This cynic smile
Is but a wile
Of guile！
This costume chaste
Is but good taste
Misplaced！
Let me confess！
A languid love for Lilies does not blight me！
Lank limbs and haggard cheeks do not delight me！
I do not care for dirty greens
By any means。
I do not long for all one sees
That's Japanese。
I am not fond of uttering platitudes
In stained…glass attitudes。
In short； my mediaevalism's affectation；
Born of a morbid love of admiration！
＇Tiptoes up…stage； looking L。 and R。； and comes back down； C。＇
If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a
man of culture rare；
You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms； and
plant them ev'rywhere。
You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of
your complicated state of mind；
The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a
transcendental kind。
And ev'ry one will say；
As you walk your mystic way；
〃If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me；
Why； what a very singularly deep young man this deep young man
must be！〃
Be eloquent in praise of the very dull old days which have long
since passed away；
And convince 'em； if you can； that the reign of good Queen Anne
was Culture's palmiest day。
Of course you will pooh…pooh whatever's fresh and new； and
declare it's crude and mean；
For Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress
Josephine。
And ev'ryone will say；
As you walk your mystic way；
〃If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me；
Why； what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must
be！〃
Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite
your languid spleen；
An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato； or a not…
too…French French bean！
Though the Philistines may jostle； you will rank as an apostle in
the high aesthetic band；
If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your
medieval hand。
And ev'ryone will say；
As you walk your flow'ry way；
〃If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not
suit me；
Why； what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man
must be！〃
＇At the end of his song； PATIENCE enters； L。 He sees her。＇
BUN。 Ah！ Patience； come hither。 ＇She comes to him timidly。＇ I
am pleased with thee。 The bitter…hearted one； who finds all else
hollow； is pleased with thee。 For you are not hollow。 Are you？
PATIENCE No； thanks； I have dined； but I beg your pardon I
interrupt you。 ＇Turns to go； he stops her。＇
BUN。 Life is made up of interruptions。 The tortured soul；
yearning for solitude； writhes under them。 Oh； but my heart is
a…weary！ Oh； I am a cursed thing！ ＇She attempts to escape。＇
Don't go。
PATIENCE Really； I'm very sorry。
BUN。 Tell me； girl； do you ever yearn？
PATIENCE I earn my living。
BUN。 ＇impatiently＇ No； no！ Do you know what it is to be heart…
hungry？ Do you know what it is to yearn for the Indefinable； and
yet to be brought face to face； dally； with the Multiplication
Table？ Do you know what it is to seek oceans and to find
puddles？ That's my case。 Oh； I am a cursed thing！ ＇She turns
again。＇ Don't go。
PATIENCE If you please； I don't understand you you frighten
me！
BUN。 Don't be frightened it's only poetry。
PATIENCE Well； if that's poetry； I don't like poetry。
BUN。 ＇eagerly＇ Don't you？ ＇aside＇ Can I trust her？ ＇aloud＇
Patience； you don't like poetry well； between you and me； I
don't like poetry。 It's hollow； unsubstantial unsatisfactory。
What's the use of yearning for Elysian Fields when you know you
can't get ‘em； and would only let ‘em out on building leases if
you had ‘em？
PATIENCE Sir； I
BUN。 Patience； I have long loved you。 Let me tell you a secret。
I am not as bilious as I look。 If you like； I will cut my hair。
There is more innocent fun within me than a casual spectator
would imagine。 You have never seen me frolicsome。 Be a good
girl a very good girl and one day you shall。 If you are
fond of touch…and…go jocularity this is the shop for it。
PATIENCE Sir； I will speak plainly。 In the matter of love I am
untaught。 I have never loved but my great…aunt。 But I am quite
certain that； under any circumstances； I couldn't possibly love
you。
BUN。 Oh； you think not？
PATIENCE I'm quite sure of it。 Quite sure。 Quite。
BUN。 Very good。 Life is henceforth a blank。 I don't care what
becomes of me。 I have only to ask that you will not abuse my
confidence； though you despise me； I am extremely popular with
the other young ladies。
PATIENCE I only ask that you will leave me and never renew the
subject。
BUN。 Certainly。 Broken…hearted and desolate； I go。 ＇Goes up…
stage； suddenly turns and recites。＇
〃Oh； to be wafted away；
From this black Aceldama of sorrow；
Where the dust of an earthy to…day
Is the earth of a dusty to…morrow！〃
It is a little thing of my own。 I call it 〃Heart Foam〃。 I
shall not publish it。 Farewell！ Patience； Patience； farewell！
＇Exit BUNTHORNE。＇
PATIENCE What on earth does it all mean？ Why does he love me？
Why does he expect me to love him？ ＇going R。＇ He's not a
relation！ It frightens me！
＇Enter ANGELA； L。＇
ANGELA Why； Patience； what is the matter？
PATIENCE Lady Angela； tell me two things。 Firstly； what on
earth is this love that upsets everybody； and； secondly； how is
it to be distinguished from insanity？
ANGELA Poor blind child！ Oh； forgive her； Eros！ Why； love is
of all passions the most essential！ It is the embodiment of
purity； the abstraction of refinement！ It is the one unselfish
emotion in this whirlpool of grasping greed！
PATIENCE Oh； dear； oh！ ＇beginning to cry＇
ANGELA Why are you crying？
PATIENCE To think that I have lived all these years without
having experienced this ennobling and unselfish passion！ Why；
what a wicked girl I must be！ For it is unselfish； isn't it？
ANGELA Absolutely！ Love that is tainted with selfishness is no
love。 Oh； try； try； try to love！ It really isn't difficult if
you give your whole mind to it。
PATIENCE I'll set about it at once。 I won't go to bed until I'm
head over ears in love with somebody。
ANGELA Noble girl！ But is it possible that you have never loved
anybody？
PATIENCE Yes； one。
ANGELA Ah！ Whom？
PATIENCE My great…aunt
ANGELA Great…aunts don't count。
PATIENCE Then there's nobody。 At least no； nobody。 Not
since I was a baby。 But that doesn't count； I suppose。
ANGELA I don't know。 Tell me about it。
No。 7。 Long years ago； fourteen maybe
（Duet）