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to
Englandthe greatest； the most powerful； the wisest
country
in the worldhas taken a high degree at Girton； and is
on
her way home again； having achieved a complete mastery
over
all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious
country to her present pre…eminent position among
civilized
nations！
Salata： Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be completely
Angli…
cized？
Calynx： Absolutely and without a doubt。
Melene： （lazily） We are very well as we are。 Life without a
careevery want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch；
who； despot though he be； has no other thought than to
make
his people happywhat have we to gain by the great
change
that is in store for us？
Salata： What have we to gain？ English institutions； English
tastes；
and oh； English fashions！
Calynx： England has made herself what she is because； in that fa…
vored land； every one has to think for himself。 Here we
have no need to think； because our monarch anticipates
all
our wants； and our political opinions are formed for us
by
the journals to which we subscribe。 Oh； think how much
more
brilliant this dialogue would have been； if we had been
accustomed to exercise our reflective powers！ They say
that
in England the conversation of the very meanest is a
corus…
cation of impromptu epigram！
（Enter Tarara in a great rage）
Tarara： Lalabalele talala！ Callabale lalabalica falahle！
Calynx： （horrified） Stopstop； I beg！ （All the ladies close
their
ears。）
Tarara： Callamalala galalate！ Caritalla lalabalee kallalale poo！
Ladies： Oh； stop him！ stop him！
Calynx： My lord； I'm surprised at you。 Are you not aware that
His
Majesty； in his despotic acquiescence with the emphatic
wish
of his people； has ordered that the Utopian language
shall
be banished from his court； and that all communications
shall henceforward be made in the English tongue？
Tarara： Yes； I'm perfectly aware of it； although（suddenly
present…
ing an explosive 〃cracker〃）。 Stopallow me。
Calynx： （pulls it）。 Now； what's that for？
Tarara： Why； I've recently been appointed Public Exploder to His
Majesty； and as I'm constitutionally nervous； I must
accus…
tom myself by degrees to the startling nature of my
duties。
Thank you。 I was about to say that although； as Public
Exploder； I am next in succession to the throne； I
neverthe…
less do my best to fall in with the royal decree。 But
when
I am overmastered by an indignant sense of overwhelming
wrong； as I am now； I slip into my native tongue without
knowing it。 I am told that in the language of that great
and pure nation； strong expressions do not exist； conse…
quently when I want to let off steam I have no
alternative
but to say； 〃Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo！〃
Calynx： But what is your grievance？
Tarara： Thisby our Constitution we are governed by a Despot
who；
although in theory absoluteis； in practice； nothing of
the
kindbeing watched day and night by two Wise Men whose
duty
it is； on his very first lapse from political or social
propriety； to denounce him to me； the Public Exploder；
and
it then becomes my duty to blow up His Majesty with
dynamiteallow me。 （Presenting a cracker which Calynx
pulls。） Thank youand； as some compensation to my
wounded
feelings； I reign in his stead。
Calynx： Yes。 After many unhappy experiments in the direction of
an
ideal Republic； it was found that what may be described
as a
Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides； on the whole；
the
most satisfactory description of ruleran autocrat who
dares not abuse his autocratic power。
Tarara： That's the theorybut in practice； how does it act？
Now；
do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper？ （producing
a
〃Society〃 paper）。
Calynx： Never even heard of the journal。
Tarara： I'm not surprised； because His Majesty's agents always
buy
up the whole edition； but I have an aunt in the
publishing
department； and she has supplied me with a copy。 Well；
it
actually teems with circumstantially convincing details
of
the King's abominable immoralities！ If this high…class
journal may be believed； His Majesty is one of the most
Heliogabalian profligates that ever disgraced an
autocratic
throne！ And do these Wise Men denounce him to me？ Not
a
bit of it！ They wink at his immoralities！ Under the
cir…
cumstances I really think I am justified in exclaiming
〃Lalabelele molola lililah kalabalale poo！〃 （All horri…
fied。） I don't carethe occasion demands it。 （Exit
Tarara）
（March。 Enter Guard； escorting Scaphio and Phantis。）
CHORUS。
O make way for the Wise Men！
They are the prizemen
Double…first in the world's university！
For though lovely this island
（Which is my land）；
She has no one to match them in her city。
They're the pride of Utopia
Cornucopia
Is each his mental fertility。
O they make no blunder；
And no wonder；
For they're triumphs of infallibility。
DUET Scaphio and Phantis。
In every mental lore
（The statement smacks of vanity）
We claim to rank before
The wisest of humanity。
As gifts of head and heart
We wasted on 〃utility；〃
We're 〃cast〃 to play a part
Of great responsibility。
Our duty is to spy
Upon our King's illicites；
And keep a watchful eye
On all his eccentricities。
If ever a trick he tries
That savours of rascality；
At our decree he dies
Without the least formality。
We fear no rude rebuff；
Or newspaper publicity；
Our word is quite enough；
The rest is electricity。
A pound of dynamite
Explodes in his auriculars；
It's not a pleasant sight
We'll spare you the particulars。
Its force all men confess；
The King needs no admonishing
We may say its success
Is something quite astonishing。
Our despot it imbues
With virtues quite delectable；
He minds his P's and Q's；
And keeps himself respectable。
Of a tyrant polite
He's paragon quite。
He's as modest and mild
In his ways as a child；
And no one ever met
With an autocrat yet；
So delightfully bland
To the least in the land！
So make way for the wise men； etc。
（Exeunt all but Scaphio and Phantis。 Phantis is pensive。）
Scaphio： Phantis； you are not in your customary exuberant spirits。
What is wrong？
Phantis： Scaphio； I think you once told me that you have never
loved？
Scaphio： Never！ I have often marvelled at the fairy influence
which
weaves its rosy web about the faculties of the greatest
and
wisest of our race； but I thank Heaven I have never been
subjected to its singular fascination。 For； oh； Phantis！
there is that within me that tells me that when my time
does
come； the convulsion will be tremendous！ When I love； it
will be with the accumulated fervor of sixty…six years！
But
I have an ideala semi…transparent Being； filled with an
inorganic pink jellyand I have never yet seen the woman
who approaches within measurable distance of it。 All are
opaqueopaqueopaque！
Phantis： Keep that ideal firmly before you； and love not until you
find her。 Though but fifty…five； I am an old campaigner
in
the battle…fields of Love； and； believe me； it is better
to
be as you are； heart…free and happy； than as I
ameternally
racked with doubting agonies！ Scaphio； the Princess Zara