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o wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof： that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts； I was forced to bend myself all the while； to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies： and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them； as it went from mouth to mouth。 The reason of this temptation； I have thought since； was； because I did not with that reverence that became me at first； approach to partake thereof。
254。 Thus I continued for three quarters of a year； and could never have rest nor ease： but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture； by which my soul was visited before： and after that； I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance； and have； I trust； therein discerned the Lord's body； as broken for my sins； and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions。
255。 Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption； wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized； with much weakness in my outward man； insomuch that I thought I could not live。 Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future； and of my evidences for that blessed world to come： for it hath； I bless the name of God； been my usual course； as always； so especially in the day of affliction； to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come； clear before mine eyes。
256。 But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul； but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions； amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction； namely； my deadness； dulness； and coldness in holy duties； my wanderings of heart； of my wearisomeness in all good things； my want of love to God； His ways and people； with this at the end of all； ARE THESE THE FRUITS OF CHRISTIANITY？ ARE THESE TOKENS OF A BLESSED MAN？
257。 At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me； for now I was sick in my inward man； my soul was clogged with guilt； now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me； quite taken out of my mind； and hid as if they had never been； or seen： now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations； LIVE I MUST NOT； DIE I DARE NOT。 Now I sunk and fell in my spirit； and was giving up all for lost； but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state； that word of God took hold of my heart； YE ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY HIS GRACE； THROUGH THE REDEMPTION THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS。 Rom。 iii。 24。 But oh！ what a turn it made upon me！
258。 Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream； and listening to this heavenly sentence； I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me： SINNER； THOU THINKEST； THAT BECAUSE THY SINS AND INFIRMITIES； I CANNOT SAVE THY SOUL； BUT BEHOLD MY SON IS BY ME； AND UPON HIM I LOOK； AND NOT ON THEE； AND SHALL DEAL WITH THEE ACCORDING AS I AM PLEASED WITH HIM。 At this I was greatly lightened in my mind； and made to understand； that God could justify a sinner at any time； it was but His looking upon Christ； and imputing His benefits to us； and the work was forthwith done。
259。 And as I was thus in a muse； that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit； NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT WE HAVE DONE； BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE HATH SAVED US； ETC。 2 Tim。 i。 9； Tit。 iii。 5。 Now was I got on high； I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy； and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour； yet； now I cried； LET ME DIE： Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight； for I saw WE SHALL NEVER LIVE INDEED； TILL WE BE GONE TO THE OTHER WORLD。 Oh！ methought this life is but a slumber； in comparison with that above。 At this time also I saw more in these words； HEIRS OF GOD； Rom。 viii。 17； than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world： HEIRS OF GOD！ God Himself is the portion of the saints。 This I saw and wondered at； but cannot tell you what I saw。
260。 Again； as I was at another time very ill and weak； all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly （for I find he is much for assaulting the soul； when it begins to approach towards the grave； then is his opportunity）； labouring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness： also setting before me the terrors of death； and the judgment of God； insomuch that at this time； through my fear of miscarrying for ever （should I now die）； I was as one dead before death came； and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit； methought I said； There were no way； but to hell I must： but behold； just as I was in the midst of those fears； these words of the angel's carrying LAZARUS into ABRAHAM'S bosom darted in upon me； as who should say； SO IT SHALL BE WITH THEE WHEN THOU DOST LEAVE THIS WORLD。 This did sweetly revive my spirit； and help me to hope in God； which when I had with comfort mused on a while； that word fell with great weight upon my mind； O DEATH； WHERE IS THY STING？ O GRAVE； WHERE IS THY VICTORY？ 1 Cor。 xv。 55。 At this I became both well in body and mind at once； for my sickness did presently vanish； and I walked comfortably in my work for God again。
261。 At another time； though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit； yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness； which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ； that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life： I was also so overrun in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit； that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after GRACE and LIFE by CHRIST； I was as if my loins were broken； or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains。 At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man； which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me。
262。 After I had been in this condition some three or four days； as I was sitting by the fire； I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart； I MUST GO TO JESUS。 At this my former darkness and atheism fled away； and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view。 While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise； Wife （said I）； is there ever such a scripture； I MUST GO TO JESUS？ She said； she could not tell； therefore I sat musing still； to see if I could remember such a place： I had not sat above two or three minutes； but that came bolting in upon me； AND TO AN INNUMERABLE COMPANY OF ANGELS； and withal； Hebrews twelfth； about the mount SION； was set before mine eyes。 Heb。 xii。 22…24。
263。 Then with joy I told my wife； O！ NOW I KNOW； I KNOW！ But that night was a good night to me； I never had but few better； I longed for the company of some of God's people； that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me。 Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night； I could scarce lie in my bed for joy； and peace； and triumph； through Christ。 This great glory did not continue upon me until morning； yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews； Heb。 xii。 22； 23； was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this。
264。 The words are these： YE ARE COME TO MOUNT SION； AND UNTO THE CITY OF THE LIVING GOD； THE HEAVENLY JERUSALEM； AND TO AN INNUMERABLE COMPANY OF ANGELS； TO THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY AND CHURCH OF THE FIRST…BORN； WHICH ARE WRITTEN IN HEAVEN； AND TO GOD THE JUDGE OF ALL； AND TO THE SPIRITS OF JUST MEN MADE PERFECT； AND TO JESUS THE MEDIATOR OF THE NEW COVENANT； AND TO THE BLOOD OF SPRINKLING； THAT SPEAKETH BETTER THINGS THAN THAT OF ABEL。 Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over； first to this word； and then to that； and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them。 These words also have oft since that time； been great refreshment to my spirit。 Blessed be God for having mercy on me。
A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S CALL TO THE WORK OF THE MINISTRY
265。 And now I am speaking my experience； I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word； and of God's dealing with me in that particular also。 For after I had been about five or six years awakened； and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord； and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him； some of the most able among the saints with us； I say； the most able for judgment and holiness of life； as they conceived； did perceive that God had counted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word； and had given me utterance in some measure； to express what I saw to others； for edification； therefore they desired me； and that with much earnestness； that I would be willing； at sometimes to take in hand； in one of the meetings； to speak a word of exhortation unto them。
266。 The which； though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit； yet being still by them desired and entreated； I consented to their request； and did twice at two several assemblies （but in private）； tho