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s come； her pangs； as of a woman in travail； were fierce and strong upon her； even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour； and been delivered of an untimely birth： now at this very time it was； that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God； wherefore； as my wife lay crying by me； I said； but with all secrecy imaginable； even thinking in my heart； LORD； IF THOU WILT NOW REMOVE THIS SAD AFFLICTION FROM MY WIFE； AND CAUSE THAT SHE BE TROUBLED NO MORE THEREWITH THIS NIGHT （and now were her pangs just upon her）； THEN I SHALL KNOW THAT THOU CANST DISCERN THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART。
241。 I had no sooner said it in my heart； but her pangs were taken from her； and she was cast into a deep sleep； and so continued till morning； at this I greatly marvelled； not knowing what to think； but after I had been awake a good while； and heard her cry no more； I fell asleep also； so when I awaked in the morning； it came upon me again； even what I had said in my heart the last night； and how the Lord had showed me； that He knew my secret thoughts； which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after。
242。 Well； about a year and a half afterwards； that wicked sinful thought； of which I have spoken before； went through my wicked heart； even this thought； LET CHRIST GO； IF HE WILL： so when I was fallen under the guilt for this； the remembrance of my other thought； and of the effect thereof； would also come upon me with this retort； which also carried rebuke along with it； NOW YOU MAY SEE THAT GOD DOTH KNOW THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART。
243。 And with this； that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord； and His servant GIDEON； fell upon my spirit； how because that GIDEON tempted God with his fleece； both wet and dry； when he should have believed and ventured upon His word； therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him； as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies； and that too； as to outward appearance； without any strength or help。 Judges vi。 7。 Thus He served me； and that justly； for I should have believed His word； and not have put an IF upon the all…seeingness of God。
244。 And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have gained by this temptation： and first； by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of God； and of His beloved Son； in the temptation that went before； my soul was perplexed with unbelief； blasphemy； hardness of heart； questions about the being of God； Christ； the truth of the word； and certainty of the world to come： I say； then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism； but now the case was otherwise； now was God and Christ continually before my face； though not in a way of comfort； but in a way of exceeding dread and terror。 The glory of the holiness of God； did at this time break me to pieces； and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel； for I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ； the remembrance of which； was as the continual breaking of my bones。
245。 The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me； I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven； THOSE that the scriptures favour； THEY must inherit bliss； but THOSE that they oppose and condemn； MUST perish for evermore： Oh！ this word； FOR THE SCRIPTURES CANNOT BE BROKEN； would rend the caul of my heart： and so would that other； WHOSE SINS YE REMIT； THEY ARE REMITTED； BUT WHOSE SINS YE RETAIN； THEY ARE RETAINED。 Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge。 Joshua xx。 4。 Those that they were to receive in； were received to life； but those that they shut out； were to be slain by the avenger of blood。
246。 Oh！ one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind； I mean those sentences that stood against me （as sometimes I thought they every one did） more； I say； than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me。 Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves！
247。 By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before； for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God； continually torn and rent by the thundering of His justice： this made me with careful heart； and watchful eye； with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf； and with much diligence； mixed with trembling； to consider every sentence； together with its natural force and latitude。
248。 By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind； for now； though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise； as I had done at other times； yet； like to a man sinking； I would catch at all I saw： formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise； unless I felt its comfort； but now 'twas no time thus to do； the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me。
249。 Now therefore I was glad to catch at THAT word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own； and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me。 Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down； without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof： O！ what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John： AND HIM THAT COMETH TO ME； I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT。 John vi。 37。 Now I began to consider with myself； that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with； than I had a heart to conceive with； I thought also with myself； that He spake not His words in haste； or in an unadvised heat； but with infinite wisdom and judgment； and in very truth and faithfulness。 2 Sam。 iii。 28。
250。 I should in these days； often in my greatest agonies； even flounce towards the promise （as the horses do towards sound ground； that yet stick in the mire）； concluding （though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear） on this I will rest and stay； and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it。 Oh！ many a pull hath my heart had with Satan； for that blessed sixth of John： I did not now； as at other times； look principally for comfort （though； O how welcome would it have been unto me！）。 But now a word； a word to lean a weary soul upon； that it might not sink for ever！ 'twas that I hunted for。
251。 Yea； often when I have been making to the promise； I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever； I was often as if I had run upon the pikes； and as if the Lord had thrust at me； to keep me from Him； as with a flaming sword。 Then I should think of ESTHER； who went to petition the king contrary to the law。 Esther iv。 16。 I thought also of Benhadad's servants； who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy。 1 Kings xx。 31； etc。 The woman of Canaan also； that would not be daunted； though called dog by Christ； Matt。 xv。； 22； etc。； and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight； Luke xi。 5…8； etc。； were great encouragements unto me。
252。 I never saw those heights and depths in grace； and love； and mercy； as I saw after this temptation； great sins to draw out great grace； and where guilt is most terrible and fierce； there the mercy of God in Christ； when showed to the soul； appears most high and mighty。 When JOB had passed through his captivity； HE HAD TWICE AS MUCH AS HE HAD BEFORE。 Job xlii。 10。 Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord。 Many other things I might here make observation of； but I would be brief； and therefore shall at this time omit them； and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend； lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did。
I had two or three times； at or about my deliverance from this temptation； such strange apprehensions of the grace of God； that I could hardly bear up under it： it was so out of measure amazing； when I thought it could reach me； that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me； it would have made me incapable for business。
253。 Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons； and of the temptations I then did meet withal。 I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in BEDFORD。 After I had propounded to the church； that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them； and was also admitted by them： while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ； which was His last supper with His disciples before His death； that scripture； DO THIS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME； Luke xxii。 19； was made a very precious word unto me； for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins； and as I then felt； did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same。 But behold； I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance； but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein； both to blaspheme the ordinance； and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof： that lest I should at any time be gu