按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
phrase with which coarse； narrow natures like yours think to describe
experience of which you can know no more than your horse knows。 It is
to such as you that the good of this world falls： ready dulness； healthy
selfishness； good…tempered conceit these are the keys to happiness。〃
The quick thought came； that my selfishness was even stronger than
hisit was only a suffering selfishness instead of an enjoying one。 But
then； again； my exasperating insight into Alfred's self… placent soul；
his freedom from all the doubts and fears； the unsatisfied yearnings； the
exquisite tortures of sensitiveness； that had made the web of my life；
seemed to absolve me from all bonds towards him。 This man needed no
pity； no love； those fine influences would have been as little felt by him as
the delicate white mist is felt by the rock it caresses。 There was no evil
in store for HIM： if he was not to marry Bertha； it would be because he
had found a lot pleasanter to himself。
Mr。 Filmore's house lay not more than half a mile beyond our own
gates； and whenever I knew my brother was gone in another direction； I
went there for the chance of finding Bertha at home。 Later on in the day I
walked thither。 By a rare accident she was alone； and we walked out in
the grounds together； for she seldom went on foot beyond the trimly…swept
gravel…walks。 I remember what a beautiful sylph she looked to me as the
low November sun shone on her blond hair； and she tripped along teasing
me with her usual light banter； to which I listened half fondly； half
moodily； it was all the sign Bertha's mysterious inner self ever made to me。
To… day perhaps； the moodiness predominated； for I had not yet shaken off
the access of jealous hate which my brother had raised in me by his
parting patronage。 Suddenly I interrupted and startled her by saying；
almost fiercely； 〃Bertha； how can you love Alfred？〃
She looked at me with surprise for a moment； but soon her light smile
came again； and she answered sarcastically； 〃Why do you suppose I love
him？〃
〃How can you ask that； Bertha？〃
〃What！ your wisdom thinks I must love the man I'm going to marry？
The most unpleasant thing in the world。 I should quarrel with him； I
should be jealous of him； our menage would be conducted in a very ill…
bred manner。 A little quiet contempt contributes greatly to the elegance
of life。〃
〃Bertha； that is not your real feeling。 Why do you delight in trying to
deceive me by inventing such cynical speeches？〃
〃I need never take the trouble of invention in order to deceive you； my
small Tasso〃 （that was the mocking name she usually gave me）。 〃The
easiest way to deceive a poet is to tell him the truth。〃
She was testing the validity of her epigram in a daring way； and for a
moment the shadow of my visionthe Bertha whose soul was no secret to
mepassed between me and the radiant girl； the playful sylph whose
feelings were a fascinating mystery。 I suppose I must have shuddered； or
betrayed in some other way my momentary chill of horror。
〃Tasso！〃 she said； seizing my wrist； and peeping round into my face；
〃are you really beginning to discern what a heartless girl I am？ Why； you
are not half the poet I thought you were； you are actually capable of
believing the truth about me。〃
The shadow passed from between us； and was no longer the object
nearest to me。 The girl whose light fingers grasped me； whose elfish
charming face looked into minewho； I thought； was betraying an interest
in my feelings that she would not have directly avowed；this warm
breathing presence again possessed my senses and imagination like a
returning siren melody which had been overpowered for an instant by the
roar of threatening waves。 It was a moment as delicious to me as the
waking up to a consciousness of youth after a dream of middle age。 I
forgot everything but my passion； and said with swimming eyes …
〃Bertha； shall you love me when we are first married？ I wouldn't
mind if you really loved me only for a little while。〃
Her look of astonishment； as she loosed my hand and started away
from me； recalled me to a sense of my strange； my criminal indiscretion。
〃Forgive me；〃 I said； hurriedly； as soon as I could speak again； 〃I did
not know what I was saying。〃
〃Ah； Tasso's mad fit has e on； I see；〃 she answered quietly； for she
had recovered herself sooner than I had。 〃Let him go home and keep his
head cool。 I must go in； for the sun is setting。〃
I left herfull of indignation against myself。 I had let slip words
which； if she reflected on them； might rouse in her a suspicion of my
abnormal mental conditiona suspicion which of all things I dreaded。
And besides that； I was ashamed of the apparent baseness I had mitted
in uttering them to my brother's betrothed wife。 I wandered home slowly；
entering our park through a private gate instead of by the lodges。 As I
approached the house； I saw a man dashing off at full speed from the
stable…yard across the park。 Had any accident happened at home？ No；
perhaps it was only one of my father's peremptory business errands that
required this headlong haste。
Nevertheless I quickened my pace without any distinct motive； and
was soon at the house。 I will not dwell on the scene I found there。 My
brother was deadhad been pitched from his horse； and killed on the spot
by a concussion of the brain。
I went up to the room where he lay； and where my father was seated
beside him with a look of rigid despair。 I had shunned my father more
than any one since our return home； for the radical antipathy between our
natures made my insight into his inner self a constant affliction to me。
But now； as I went up to him； and stood beside him in sad silence； I felt
the presence of a new element that blended us as we had never been blent
before。 My father had been one of the most successful men in the
money…getting world： he had had no sentimental sufferings； no illness。
The heaviest trouble that had befallen him was the death of his first wife。
But he married my mother soon after； and I remember he seemed exactly
the same； to my keen childish observation； the week after her death as
before。 But now； at last； a sorrow had ethe sorrow of old age；
which suffers the more from the crushing of its pride and its hopes； in
proportion as the pride and hope are narrow and prosaic。 His son was to
have been married soonwould probably have stood for the borough at the
next election。 That son's existence was the best motive that could be
alleged for making new purchases of land every year to round off the
estate。 It is a dreary thing onto live on doing the same things year after
year； without knowing why we do them。 Perhaps the tragedy of
disappointed youth and passion is less piteous than the tragedy of
disappointed age and worldliness。
As I saw into the desolation of my father's heart； I felt a movement of
deep pity towards him； which was the beginning of a new affectionan
affection that grew and strengthened in spite of the strange bitterness with
which he regarded me in the first month or two after my brother's death。
If it had not been for the softening influence of my passion for him
the first deep passion I had ever feltI should have been stung by the
perception that my father transferred the inheritance of an eldest son to me
with a mortified sense that fate had pelled him to the unwele
course of caring for me as an important being。 It was only in spite of
himself that he began to think of me with anxious regard。 There is hardly
any neglected child for whom death has made vacant a more favoured
place； who will not understand what I mean。
Gradually； however； my new deference to his wishes； the effect of that
patience which was born of my pity for him； won upon his affection； and
he began to please himself with the endeavour to ma