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which never mingle their waters and blend into a mon hue？ Yet you
must have known something of the presentiments that spring from an
insight at war with passion； and my visions were only like presentiments
intensified to horror。 You have known the powerlessness of ideas before
the might of impulse； and my visions； when once they had passed into
memory； were mere ideaspale shadows that beckoned in vain； while my
hand was grasped by the living and the loved。
In after…days I thought with bitter regret that if I had foreseen
something more or something differentif instead of that hideous vision
which poisoned the passion it could not destroy； or if even along with it I
could have had a foreshadowing of that moment when I looked on my
brother's face for the last time； some softening influence would have been
shed over my feeling towards him： pride and hatred would surely have
been subdued into pity； and the record of those hidden sins would have
been shortened。 But this is one of the vain thoughts with which we men
flatter ourselves。 We try to believe that the egoism within us would have
easily been melted； and that it was only the narrowness of our knowledge
which hemmed in our generosity； our awe； our human piety； and hindered
them from submerging our hard indifference to the sensations and
emotions of our fellows。 Our tenderness and self…renunciation seem
strong when our egoism has had its daywhen； after our mean striving for
a triumph that is to be another's loss； the triumph es suddenly； and we
shudder at it； because it is held out by the chill hand of death。
Our arrival in Prague happened at night； and I was glad of this； for it
seemed like a deferring of a terribly decisive moment； to be in the city for
hours without seeing it。 As we were not to remain long in Prague； but to
go on speedily to Dresden； it was proposed that we should drive out the
next morning and take a general view of the place； as well as visit some of
its specially interesting spots； before the heat became oppressivefor we
were in August； and the season was hot and dry。 But it happened that the
ladies were rather late at their morning toilet； and to my father's politely…
repressed but perceptible annoyance； we were not in the carriage till the
morning was far advanced。 I thought with a sense of relief； as we entered
the Jews' quarter； where we were to visit the old synagogue； that we
should be kept in this flat； shut…up part of the city； until we should all be
too tired and too warm to go farther； and so we should return without
seeing more than the streets through which we had already passed。 That
would give me another day's suspensesuspense； the only form in which a
fearful spirit knows the solace of hope。 But； as I stood under the
blackened； groined arches of that old synagogue； made dimly visible by
the seven thin candles in the sacred lamp； while our Jewish cicerone
reached down the Book of the Law； and read to us in its ancient tongueI
felt a shuddering impression that this strange building； with its shrunken
lights； this surviving withered remnant of medieval Judaism； was of a
piece with my vision。 Those darkened dusty Christian saints； with their
loftier arches and their larger candles； needed the consolatory scorn with
which they might point to a more shrivelled death…in…life than their own。
As I expected； when we left the Jews' quarter the elders of our party
wished to return to the hotel。 But now； instead of rejoicing in this； as I
had done beforehand； I felt a sudden overpowering impulse to go on at
once to the bridge； and put an end to the suspense I had been wishing to
protract。 I declared； with unusual decision； that I would get out of the
carriage and walk on alone； they might return without me。 My father；
thinking this merely a sample of my usual 〃poetic nonsense；〃 objected that
I should only do myself harm by walking in the heat； but when I persisted；
he said angrily that I might follow my own absurd devices； but that
Schmidt （our courier） must go with me。 I assented to this； and set off
with Schmidt towards the bridge。 I had no sooner passed from under the
archway of the grand old gate leading an to the bridge； than a trembling
seized me； and I turned cold under the mid…day sun； yet I went on； I was in
search of somethinga small detail which I remembered with special
intensity as part of my vision。 There it wasthe patch of rainbow light on
the pavement transmitted through a lamp in the shape of a star。
Before the autumn was at an end； and while the brown leaves still
stood thick on the beeches in our park； my brother and Bertha were
engaged to each other； and it was understood that their marriage was to
take place early in the next spring。 In spite of the certainty I had felt
from that moment on the bridge at Prague； that Bertha would one day be
my wife； my constitutional timidity and distrust had continued to benumb
me； and the words in which I had sometimes premeditated a confession of
my love； had died away unuttered。 The same conflict had gone on within
me as beforethe longing for an assurance of love from Bertha's lips； the
dread lest a word of contempt and denial should fall upon me like a
corrosive acid。 What was the conviction of a distant necessity to me？ l
trembled under a present glance； I hungered after a present joy； I was
clogged and chilled by a present fear。 And so the days passed on： I
witnessed Bertha's engagement and heard her marriage discussed as if I
were under a conscious nightmareknowing it was a dream that would
vanish； but feeling stifled under the grasp of hard…clutching fingers。
When I was not in Bertha's presenceand I was with her very often；
for she continued to treat me with a playful patronage that wakened no
jealousy in my brotherI spent my time chiefly in wandering； in strolling；
or taking long rides while the daylight lasted； and then shutting myself up
with my unread books； for books had lost the power of chaining my
attention。 My self…consciousness was heightened to that pitch of
intensity in which our own emotions take the form of a drama which urges
itself imperatively on our contemplation； and we begin to weep； less under
the sense of our suffering than at the thought of it。 I felt a sort of pitying
anguish over the pathos of my own lot： the lot of a being finely
organized for pain； but with hardly any fibres that responded to pleasure
to whom the idea of future evil robbed the present of its joy； and for whom
the idea of future good did not still the uneasiness of a present yearning or
a present dread。 I went dumbly through that stage of the poet's suffering；
in which he feels the delicious pang of utterance； and makes an image of
his sorrows。
I was left entirely without remonstrance concerning this dreamy
wayward life： I knew my father's thought about me： 〃That lad will
never be good for anything in life： he may waste his years in an
insignificant way on the ine that falls to him： I shall not trouble
myself about a career for him。〃
One mild morning in the beginning of November； it happened that I
was standing outside the portico patting lazy old Caesar； a Newfoundland
almost blind with age； the only dog that ever took any notice of mefor
the very dogs shunned me； and fawned on the happier people about me
when the groom brought up my brother's horse which was to carry him to
the hunt； and my brother himself appeared at the door； florid； broad…
chested； and self…placent； feeling what a good…natured fellow he was
not to behave insolently to us all on the strength of his great advantages。
〃Latimer； old boy；〃 he said to me in a tone of passionate cordiality；
〃what a pity it is you don't have a run with the hounds now and then！
The finest thing in the world for low spirits！〃
〃Low spirits！〃 I thought bitterly； as he rode away； 〃that is the sort of
phrase with which coarse； narrow natures like yours think to describe
e