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liberties with a piece of lumber for which nobody cared but possibly
the dead； therefore he was not unhappy； only much disappointed； very
empty； and somewhat gloomy。 There was nothing to look forward to
now； no secret full of riches and endless in hopein short； no
violin。
To feel the full force of his loss； my reader must remember that
around the childhood of Robert； which he was fast leaving behind
him； there had gathered no tendernessnone at least by him
recognizable as such。 All the women he came in contact with were
his grandmother and Betty。 He had no recollection of having ever
been kissed。 From the darkness and negation of such an
embryo…existence； his nature had been unconsciously striving to
escapestruggling to get from below ground into the sunlit
airsighing after a freedom he could not have defined； the freedom
that comes； not of independence； but of lovenot of lawlessness；
but of the perfection of law。 Of this beauty of life； with its
wonder and its deepness； this unknown glory； his fiddle had been the
type。 It had been the ark that held； if not the tables of the
covenant； yet the golden pot of angel's food； and the rod that
budded in death。 And now that it was gone； the gloomier aspect of
things began to lay hold upon him； his soul turned itself away from
the sun； and entered into the shadow of the under…world。 Like the
white…horsed twins of lake Regillus； like Phoebe； the queen of skyey
plain and earthly forest； every boy and girl； every man and woman；
that lives at all； has to divide many a year between Tartarus and
Olympus。
For now arose within him； not without ultimate good； the evil
phantasms of a theology which would explain all God's doings by low
conceptions； low I mean for humanity even； of right； and law； and
justice； then only taking refuge in the fact of the incapacity of
the human understanding when its own inventions are impugned as
undivine。 In such a system； hell is invariably the deepest truth；
and the love of God is not so deep as hell。 Hence； as foundations
must be laid in the deepest； the system is founded in hell； and the
first article in the creed that Robert Falconer learned was； 'I
believe in hell。' Practically； I mean； it was so； else how should
it be that as often as a thought of religious duty arose in his
mind； it appeared in the form of escaping hell； of fleeing from the
wrath to come？ For his very nature was hell； being not born in sin
and brought forth in iniquity； but born sin and brought forth
iniquity。 And yet God made him。 He must believe that。 And he must
believe； too； that God was just； awfully just； punishing with
fearful pains those who did not go through a certain process of mind
which it was utterly impossible they should go through without a
help which he would give to some； and withhold from others； the
reason of the difference not being such； to say the least of it； as
to come within the reach of the persons concerned。 And this God
they said was love。 It was logically absurd； of course； yet； thank
God； they did say that God was love； and many of them succeeded in
believing it； too； and in ordering their ways as if the first
article of their creed had been 'I believe in God'； whence； in
truth； we are bound to say it was the first in power and reality； if
not in order； for what are we to say a man believes； if not what he
acts upon？ Still the former article was the one they brought
chiefly to bear upon their children。 This mortar； probably they
thought； threw the shell straighter than any of the other
field…pieces of the church…militant。 Hence it was even in
justification of God himself that a party arose to say that a man
could believe without the help of God at all； and after believing
only began to receive God's helpa heresy all but as dreary and
barren as the former。 No one dreamed of sayingat least such a
glad word of prophecy never reached Rothiedenthat； while nobody
can do without the help of the Father any more than a new…born babe
could of itself live and grow to a man； yet that in the giving of
that help the very fatherhood of the Father finds its one gladsome
labour； that for that the Lord came； for that the world was made；
for that we were born into it； for that God lives and loves like the
most loving man or woman on earth； only infinitely more； and in
other ways and kinds besides； which we cannot understand； and that
therefore to be a man is the soul of eternal jubilation。
Robert consequently began to take fits of soul…saving； a most
rational exercise； worldly wise and prudentright too on the
principles he had received； but not in the least Christian in its
nature； or even God…fearing。 His imagination began to busy itself
in representing the dire consequences of not entering into the one
refuge of faith。 He made many frantic efforts to believe that he
believed； took to keeping the Sabbath very carefullythat is； by
going to church three times； and to Sunday…school as well； by never
walking a step save to or from church； by never saying a word upon
any subject unconnected with religion； chiefly theoretical； by never
reading any but religious books； by never whistling； by never
thinking of his lost fiddle； and so onall the time feeling that
God was ready to pounce upon him if he failed once； till again and
again the intensity of his efforts utterly defeated their object by
destroying for the time the desire to prosecute them with the power
to will them。 But through the horrible vapours of these vain
endeavours； which denied God altogether as the maker of the world；
and the former of his soul and heart and brain； and sought to
worship him as a capricious demon； there broke a little light； a
little soothing； soft twilight； from the dim windows of such
literature as came in his way。 Besides The Pilgrim's Progress there
were several books which shone moon…like on his darkness； and lifted
something of the weight of that Egyptian gloom off his spirit。 One
of these； strange to say； was Defoe's Religious Courtship； and one；
Young's Night Thoughts。 But there was another which deserves
particular notice； inasmuch as it did far more than merely interest
or amuse him； raising a deep question in his mind； and one worthy to
be asked。 This book was the translation of Klopstock's Messiah； to
which I have already referred。 It was not one of his grandmother's
books； but had probably belonged to his father： he had found it in
his little garret…room。 But as often as she saw him reading it； she
seemed rather pleased； he thought。 As to the book itself； its
florid expatiation could neither offend nor injure a boy like
Robert； while its representation of our Lord was to him a wonderful
relief from that given in the pulpit； and in all the religious books
he knew。 But the point for the sake of which I refer to it in
particular is this： Amongst the rebel angels who are of the actors
in the story； one of the principal is a cherub who repents of making
his choice with Satan； mourns over his apostasy； haunts unseen the
steps of our Saviour； wheels lamenting about the cross； and would
gladly return to his lost duties in heaven； if only he mighta
doubt which I believe is left unsolved in the volume； and naturally
enough remained unsolved in Robert's mind：Would poor Abaddon be
forgiven and taken home again？ For although naturally； that is； to
judge by his own instincts； there could be no question of his
forgiveness； according to what he had been taught there could be no
question of his perdition。 Having no one to talk to； he divided
himself and went to buffets on the subject； siding； of course； with
the better half of himself which supported the merciful view of the
matter； for all his efforts at keeping the Sabbath； had in his own
honest judgment failed so entirely； that he had no ground for
believing himself one of the elect。 Had he succeeded in persuading
himself that he was； there is no saying to what lengths of
indifference about others the chosen prig might have advanced by
this time。
He made one attempt to open the subject with Shargar。
'Shargar； what think ye？' he said suddenly； one day。 'Gin a de'il
war to repent； wad God forgie him？'
'There's no sayin' what fowk wad du till ance they're tried；'
returned Shargar； cautiously。
Robert did not care to resume the question with one who so
circumspectly refused to take a metaphysical or a priori view of the
matter。
He made an attempt with his grandmother。
One Sunday； his thoughts； after trying for a time to revolve in due
orbit around the mind of the Rev。 Hugh Maccleary； as projected in a
sermon which he had botched up out of a commentary； failed at last
and flew off into what the said gentleman would have pronounced
'very dangerous speculation； seeing no man is to go beyond what is
written in the Bible； which contains not only the truth； but the
whole truth； and nothing