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4
But the other experience was still more cardinal。 It was the first
clear intimation of a new motif in life； the sex motif； that was to
rise and increase and accumulate power and enrichment and interweave
with and at last dominate all my life。
It was when I was nearly fifteen this happened。 It is inseparably
connected in my mind with the dusk of warm September evenings。 I
never met the girl I loved by daylight； and I have forgotten her
name。 It was some insignificant name。
Yet the peculiar quality of the adventure keeps it shining darkly
like some deep coloured gem in the common setting of my memories。
It came as something new and strange； something that did not join on
to anything else in my life or connect with any of my thoughts or
beliefs or habits； it was a wonder； a mystery； a discovery about
myself； a discovery about the whole world。 Only in after years did
sexual feeling lose that isolation and spread itself out to
illuminate and pervade and at last possess the whole broad vision of
life。
It was in that phase of an urban youth's development； the phase of
the cheap cigarette； that this thing happened。 One evening I came
by chance on a number of young people promenading by the light of a
row of shops towards Beckington； and； with all the glory of a
glowing cigarette between my lips； I joined their strolling number。
These twilight parades of young people； youngsters chiefly of the
lower middle…class； are one of the odd social developments of the
great suburban growthsunkindly critics； blind to the inner
meanings of things； call them； I believe； Monkeys' Paradesthe shop
apprentices； the young work girls； the boy clerks and so forth；
stirred by mysterious intimations； spend their first…earned money
upon collars and ties； chiffon hats； smart lace collars； walking…
sticks； sunshades or cigarettes； and come valiantly into the vague
transfiguring mingling of gaslight and evening； to walk up and down；
to eye meaningly； even to accost and make friends。 It is a queer
instinctive revolt from the narrow limited friendless homes in which
so many find themselves； a going out towards something； romance if
you will； beauty； that has suddenly become a needa need that
hitherto has lain dormant and unsuspected。 They promenade。
Vulgar！it is as vulgar as the spirit that calls the moth abroad in
the evening and lights the body of the glow…worm in the night。 I
made my way through the throng； a little contemptuously as became a
public schoolboy； my hands in my pocketsnone of your cheap canes
for me！and very careful of the lie of my cigarette upon my lips。
And two girls passed me； one a little taller than the other； with
dim warm…tinted faces under clouds of dark hair and with dark eyes
like pools reflecting stars。
I half turned； and the shorter one glanced back at me over her
shoulderI could draw you now the pose of her cheek and neck and
shoulderand instantly I was as passionately in love with the girl
as I have ever been before or since； as any man ever was with any
woman。 I turned about and followed them； I flung away my cigarette
ostentatiously and lifted my school cap and spoke to them。
The girl answered shyly with her dark eyes on my face。 What I said
and what she said I cannot remember； but I have little doubt it was
something absolutely vapid。 It really did not matter； the thing was
we had met。 I felt as I think a new…hatched moth must feel when
suddenly its urgent headlong searching brings it in tremulous
amazement upon its mate。
We met； covered from each other； with all the nets of civilisation
keeping us apart。 We walked side by side。
It led to scarcely more than that。 I think we met four or five
times altogether； and always with her nearly silent elder sister on
the other side of her。 We walked on the last two occasions arm in
arm； furtively caressing each other's hands； we went away from the
glare of the shops into the quiet roads of villadom； and there we
whispered instead of talking and looked closely into one another's
warm and shaded face。 〃Dear；〃 I whispered very daringly； and she
answered； 〃Dear！〃 We had a vague sense that we wanted more of that
quality of intimacy and more。 We wanted each other as one wants
beautiful music again or to breathe again the scent of flowers。
And that is all there was between us。 The events are nothing； the
thing that matters is the way in which this experience stabbed
through the common stuff of life and left it pierced； with a light；
with a huge new interest shining through the rent。
When I think of it I can recall even now the warm mystery of her
face； her lips a little apart； lips that I never kissed； her soft
shadowed throat； and I feel again the sensuous stir of her
proximity。 。 。 。
Those two girls never told me their surname nor let me approach
their house。 They made me leave them at the corner of a road of
small houses near Penge Station。 And quite abruptly； without any
intimation； they vanished and came to the meeting place no more；
they vanished as a moth goes out of a window into the night； and
left me possessed of an intolerable want。 。 。 。
The affair pervaded my existence for many weeks。 I could not do my
work and I could not rest at home。 Night after night I promenaded
up and down that Monkeys' Parade full of an unappeasable desire；
with a thwarted sense of something just begun that ought to have
gone on。 I went backwards and forwards on the way to the vanishing
place； and at last explored the forbidden road that had swallowed
them up。 But I never saw her again； except that later she came to
me； my symbol of womanhood； in dreams。 How my blood was stirred！ I
lay awake of nights whispering in the darkness for her。 I prayed
for her。
Indeed that girl； who probably forgot the last vestiges of me when
her first real kiss came to her； ruled and haunted me； gave a Queen
to my imagination and a texture to all my desires until I became a
man。
I generalised her at last。 I suddenly discovered that poetry was
about her and that she was the key to all that had hitherto seemed
nonsense about love。 I took to reading novels； and if the heroine
could not possibly be like her； dusky and warm and starlike； I put
the book aside。 。 。 。
I hesitate and add here one other confession。 I want to tell this
thing because it seems to me we are altogether too restrained and
secretive about such matters。 The cardinal thing in life sneaks in
to us darkly and shamefully like a thief in the night。
One day during my Cambridge daysit must have been in my first year
before I knew HatherleighI saw in a print…shop window near the
Strand an engraving of a girl that reminded me sharply of Penge and
its dusky encounter。 It was just a half length of a bare…
shouldered； bare…breasted Oriental with arms akimbo； smiling
faintly。 I looked at it； went my way； then turned back and bought
it。 I felt I must have it。 The odd thing is that I was more than a
little shamefaced about it。 I did not have it framed and hung in my
room open to the criticism of my friends； but I kept it in the
drawer of my writing…table。 And I kept that drawer locked for a
year。 It speedily merged with and became identified with the dark
girl of Penge。 That engraving became in a way my mistress。 Often
when I had sported my oak and was supposed to be reading； I was
sitting with it before me。
Obeying some instinct I kept the thing very secret indeed。 For a
time nobody suspected what was locked in my drawer nor what was
locked in me。 I seemed as sexless as my world required。
5
These things stabbed through my life； intimations of things above
and below and before me。 They had an air of being no more than
incidents； interruptions。
The broad substance of my existence at this time was the City
Merchants School。 Home was a place where I slept and read； and the
mooning explorations of the south…eastern postal district which
occupied the restless evenings and spare days of my vacations mere
interstices； giving glimpses of enigmatical lights and distant
spaces between the woven threads of a school…boy's career。 School
life began for me every morning at Herne Hill； for there I was
joined by three or four other boys and the rest of the way we went
together。 Most of the streets and roads we traversed in our
morning's walk from Victoria are still intact； the storms of
rebuilding that have submerged so much of my boyhood's London have
passed and left them； and I have revived the impression of them
again and again in recent years as I have clattered dinnerward in a
hansom or hummed along in a motor cab to some engagement。 The main
gate still looks out with the same expression of ancient well…
proportioned kindline