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the Blackfriars。
I heard the paper's name with a queer little shock and surveyed the
man with interest。 No doubt he was only a successor of the purveyor
of discords who darkened my boyhood。 It was amazing to find an
influence so terrible embodied in a creature so palpably petty。 He
was seated some way down a table at right angles to the one at which
I sat； a man of mean appearance with a greyish complexion； thin；
with a square nose； a heavy wiry moustache and a big Adam's apple
sticking out between the wings of his collar。 He ate with
considerable appetite and unconcealed relish； and as his jaw was
underhung； he chummed and made the moustache wave like reeds in the
swell of a steamer。 It gave him a conscientious look。 After dinner
he a little forced himself upon me。 At that time； though the shadow
of my scandal was already upon me； I still seemed to be shaping for
great successes； and he was glad to be in conversation with me and
anxious to intimate political sympathy and support。 I tried to make
him talk of the HOME CHURCHMAN and the kindred publications he ran；
but he was manifestly ashamed of his job so far as I was concerned。
〃One wants；〃 he said； pitching himself as he supposed in my key； 〃to
put constructive ideas into our readers； but they are narrow； you
know； very narrow。 Very。〃 He made his moustache and lips express
judicious regret。 〃One has to consider them carefully； one has to
respect their attitudes。 One dare not go too far with them。 One
has to feel one's way。〃
He chummed and the moustache bristled。
A hireling； beyond question； catering for a demand。 I gathered
there was a home in Tufnell Park； and three boys to be fed and
clothed and educated。 。 。 。
I had the curiosity to buy a copy of his magazine afterwards； and it
seemed much the same sort of thing that had worried my mother in my
boyhood。 There was the usual Christian hero； this time with mutton…
chop whiskers and a long bare upper lip。 The Jesuits； it seemed；
were still hard at it； and Heaven frightfully upset about the Sunday
opening of museums and the falling birth…rate； and as touchy and
vindictive as ever。 There were two vigorous paragraphs upon the
utter damnableness of the Rev。 R。 J。 Campbell； a contagious
damnableness I gathered； one wasn't safe within a mile of Holborn
Viaduct； and a foul…mouthed attack on poor little Wilkins the
novelistwho was being baited by the moralists at that time for
making one of his big women characters； not being in holy wedlock；
desire a baby and say so。 。 。 。
The broadening of human thought is a slow and complex process。 We
do go on； we do get on。 But when one thinks that people are living
and dying now； quarrelling and sulking； misled and misunderstanding；
vaguely fearful； condemning and thwarting one another in the close
darknesses of these narrow cultsOh； God！ one wants a gale out of
Heaven； one wants a great wind from the sea！
3
While I lived at Penge two little things happened to me； trivial in
themselves and yet in their quality profoundly significant。 They
had this in common； that they pierced the texture of the life I was
quietly taking for granted and let me see through it into realities
realities I had indeed known about before but never realised。 Each
of these experiences left me with a sense of shock； with all the
values in my life perplexingly altered； attempting readjustment。
One of these disturbing and illuminating events was that I was
robbed of a new pocket…knife and the other that I fell in love。 It
was altogether surprising to me to be robbed。 You see； as an only
child I had always been fairly well looked after and protected； and
the result was an amazing confidence in the practical goodness of
the people one met in the world。 I knew there were robbers in the
world； just as I knew there were tigers； that I was ever likely to
meet robber or tiger face to face seemed equally impossible。
The knife as I remember it was a particularly jolly one with all
sorts of instruments in it； tweezers and a thing for getting a stone
out of the hoof of a horse； and a corkscrew； it had cost me a
carefuly accumulated half…crown； and amounted indeed to a new
experience in knives。 I had had it for two or three days； and then
one afternoon I dropped it through a hole in my pocket on a footpath
crossing a field between Penge and Anerley。 I heard it fall in the
way one does without at the time appreciating what had happened；
then； later； before I got home； when my hand wandered into my pocket
to embrace the still dear new possession I found it gone； and
instantly that memory of something hitting the ground sprang up into
consciousness。 I went back and commenced a search。 Almost
immediately I was accosted by the leader of a little gang of four or
five extremely dirty and ragged boys of assorted sizes and slouching
carriage who were coming from the Anerley direction。
〃Lost anythink； Matey？〃 said he。
I explained。
〃'E's dropped 'is knife；〃 said my interlocutor； and joined in the
search。
〃What sort of 'andle was it； Matey？〃 said a small white…faced
sniffing boy in a big bowler hat。
I supplied the information。 His sharp little face scrutinised the
ground about us。
〃GOT it；〃 he said； and pounced。
〃Give it 'ere；〃 said the big boy hoarsely； and secured it。
I walked towards him serenely confident that he would hand it over
to me； and that all was for the best in the best of all possible
worlds。
〃No bloomin' fear！〃 he said； regarding me obliquely。 〃Oo said it
was your knife？〃
Remarkable doubts assailed me。 〃Of course it's my knife；〃 I said。
The other boys gathered round me。
〃This ain't your knife；〃 said the big boy； and spat casually。
〃I dropped it just now。〃
〃Findin's keepin's； I believe；〃 said the big boy。
〃Nonsense；〃 I said。 〃Give me my knife。〃
〃'Ow many blades it got？〃
〃Three。〃
〃And what sort of 'andle？〃
〃Bone。〃
〃Got a corkscrew like？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃Ah！ This ain't your knife no'ow。 See？〃
He made no offer to show it to me。 My breath went。
〃Look here！〃 I said。 〃I saw that kid pick it up。 It IS my knife。〃
〃Rot！〃 said the big boy； and slowly； deliberately put my knife into
his trouser pocket。
I braced my soul for battle。 All civilisation was behind me； but I
doubt if it kept the colour in my face。 I buttoned my jacket and
clenched my fists and advanced on my antagonisthe had； I suppose；
the advantage of two years of age and three inches of height。 〃Hand
over that knife；〃 I said。
Then one of the smallest of the band assailed me with extraordinary
vigour and swiftness from behind； had an arm round my neck and a
knee in my back before I had the slightest intimation of attack； and
so got me down。 〃I got 'im； Bill；〃 squeaked this amazing little
ruffian。 My nose was flattened by a dirty hand； and as I struck out
and hit something like sacking； some one kicked my elbow。 Two or
three seemed to be at me at the same time。 Then I rolled over and
sat up to discover them all making off； a ragged flight； footballing
my cap； my City Merchants' cap； amongst them。 I leapt to my feet in
a passion of indignation and pursued them。
But I did not overtake them。 We are beings of mixed composition；
and I doubt if mine was a single…minded pursuit。 I knew that honour
required me to pursue； and I had a vivid impression of having just
been down in the dust with a very wiry and active and dirty little
antagonist of disagreeable odour and incredible and incalculable
unscrupulousness； kneeling on me and gripping my arm and neck。 I
wanted of course to be even with him； but also I doubted if catching
him would necessarily involve that。 They kicked my cap into the
ditch at the end of the field； and made off compactly along a cinder
lane while I turned aside to recover my dishonoured headdress。 As I
knocked the dust out of that and out of my jacket； and brushed my
knees and readjusted my very crumpled collar； I tried to focus this
startling occurrence in my mind。
I had vague ideas of going to a policeman or of complaining at a
police station； but some boyish instinct against informing prevented
that。 No doubt I entertained ideas of vindictive pursuit and
murderous reprisals。 And I was acutely enraged whenever I thought
of my knife。 The thing indeed rankled in my mind for weeks and
weeks； and altered all the flavour of my world for me。 It was the
first time I glimpsed the simple brute violence that lurks and peeps
beneath our civilisation。 A certain kindly complacency of attitude
towards the palpably lower classes was qualified for ever
4
But the other experience was still more cardinal。 It was the first
clear intimation of