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house at a fair； and I am a mere Post…office anchorite in a cell much too
small for him； and I can't get out； and I can't get in； and I have no space to
be idle in； even if I would。〃 So； the boy；' said Mr。 Goodchild； concluding
the tale； 'comes back with the letters after all； and lives happy never
afterwards。'
But it may； not unreasonably； be asked … while Francis Goodchild was
wandering hither and thither； storing his mind with perpetual observation
of men and things； and sincerely believing himself to be the laziest
creature in existence all the time … how did Thomas Idle； crippled and
confined to the house； contrive to get through the hours of the day？
Prone on the sofa； Thomas made no attempt to get through the hours；
but passively allowed the hours to get through HIM。 Where other men in
his situation would have read books and improved their minds； Thomas
slept and rested his body。 Where other men would have pondered
anxiously over their future prospects； Thomas dreamed lazily of his past
life。 The one solitary thing he did； which most other people would have
done in his place； was to resolve on making certain alterations and
improvements in his mode of existence； as soon as the effects of the
misfortune that had overtaken him had all passed away。 Remembering
that the current of his life had hitherto oozed along in one smooth stream
of laziness； occasionally troubled on the surface by a slight passing ripple
of industry； his present ideas on the subject of self…reform； inclined him …
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not as the reader may be disposed to imagine； to project schemes for a new
existence of enterprise and exertion … but； on the contrary； to resolve that
he would never； if he could possibly help it； be active or industrious again；
throughout the whole of his future career。
It is due to Mr。 Idle to relate that his mind sauntered towards this
peculiar conclusion on distinct and logically…producible grounds。 After
reviewing； quite at his ease； and with many needful intervals of repose； the
generally…placid spectacle of his past existence； he arrived at the discovery
that all the great disasters which had tried his patience and equanimity in
early life； had been caused by his having allowed himself to be deluded
into imitating some pernicious example of activity and industry that had
been set him by others。 The trials to which he here alludes were three in
number； and may be thus reckoned up： First； the disaster of being an
unpopular and a thrashed boy at school； secondly； the disaster of falling
seriously ill； thirdly； the disaster of becoming acquainted with a great bore。
The first disaster occurred after Thomas had been an idle and a popular
boy at school； for some happy years。 One Christmas…time； he was
stimulated by the evil example of a companion； whom he had always
trusted and liked； to be untrue to himself； and to try for a prize at the
ensuing half…yearly examination。 He did try； and he got a prize … how； he
did not distinctly know at the moment； and cannot remember now。 No
sooner； however； had the book … Moral Hints to the Young on the Value of
Time … been placed in his hands； than the first troubles of his life began。
The idle boys deserted him； as a traitor to their cause。 The industrious
boys avoided him； as a dangerous interloper； one of their number； who had
always won the prize on previous occasions； expressing just resentment at
the invasion of his privileges by calling Thomas into the play… ground； and
then and there administering to him the first sound and genuine thrashing
that he had ever received in his life。 Unpopular from that moment； as a
beaten boy； who belonged to no side and was rejected by all parties； young
Idle soon lost caste with his masters； as he had previously lost caste with
his schoolfellows。 He had forfeited the comfortable reputation of being the
one lazy member of the youthful community whom it was quite hopeless
to punish。 Never again did he hear the headmaster say reproachfully to
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THE LAZY TOUR OF TWO IDLE APPRENTICES
an industrious boy who had committed a fault； 'I might have expected this
in Thomas Idle； but it is inexcusable； sir； in you； who know better。'
Never more； after winning that fatal prize； did he escape the retributive
imposition； or the avenging birch。 From that time； the masters made him
work； and the boys would not let him play。 From that time his social
position steadily declined； and his life at school became a perpetual burden
to him。
So； again； with the second disaster。 While Thomas was lazy； he was a
model of health。 His first attempt at active exertion and his first suffering
from severe illness are connected together by the intimate relations of
cause and effect。 Shortly after leaving school； he accompanied a party of
friends to a cricket…field； in his natural and appropriate character of
spectator only。 On the ground it was discovered that the players fell short
of the required number； and facile Thomas was persuaded to assist in
making up the complement。 At a certain appointed time； he was roused
from peaceful slumber in a dry ditch； and placed before three wickets with
a bat in his hand。 Opposite to him； behind three more wickets； stood one
of his bosom friends； filling the situation （as he was informed） of bowler。
No words can describe Mr。 Idle's horror and amazement； when he saw this
young man … on ordinary occasions； the meekest and mildest of human
beings … suddenly contract his eye…brows； compress his lips； assume the
aspect of an infuriated savage； run back a few steps； then run forward； and；
without the slightest previous provocation； hurl a detestably hard ball with
all his might straight at Thomas's legs。 Stimulated to preternatural activity
of body and sharpness of eye by the instinct of self…preservation； Mr。 Idle
contrived； by jumping deftly aside at the right moment； and by using his
bat （ridiculously narrow as it was for the purpose） as a shield； to preserve
his life and limbs from the dastardly attack that had been made on both； to
leave the full force of the deadly missile to strike his wicket instead of his
leg； and to end the innings； so far as his side was concerned； by being
immediately bowled out。 Grateful for his escape； he was about to return to
the dry ditch； when he was peremptorily stopped； and told that the other
side was 'going in；' and that he was expected to 'field。' His conception of
the whole art and mystery of 'fielding；' may be summed up in the three
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words of serious advice which he privately administered to himself on that
trying occasion … avoid the ball。 Fortified by this sound and salutary
principle； he took his own course； impervious alike to ridicule and abuse。
Whenever the ball came near him； he thought of his shins； and got out of
the way immediately。 'Catch it！' 'Stop it！' 'Pitch it up！' were cries that
passed by him like the idle wind that he regarded not。 He ducked under
it； he jumped over it； he whisked himself away from it on either side。
Never once； through the whole innings did he and the ball come together
on anything approaching to intimate terms。 The unnatural activity of body
which was necessarily called forth for the accomplishment of this result
threw Thomas Idle； for the first time in his life； into a perspiration。 The
perspiration； in consequence of his want of practice in the management of
that particular result of bodily activity； was suddenly checked； the
inevitable chill succeeded； and that； in its turn； was followed by a fever。
For the first time since his birth； Mr。 Idle found himself confined to his
bed for many