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refute the accusations。 I dwelt upon the benefits to the city； uniform
service； electricity and large comfortable cars instead of rattletrap
conveyances； and the development of a large and growing population in the
Riverside neighbourhood： the continual extension of lines to suburban
districts that enabled hard…worked men to live out of the smoke： I called
attention to the system of transfers； the distance a passenger might be
conveyed； and conveyed quickly； for the sum of five cents。 I spoke of
our capitalists as men more sinned against than sinning。 Their money was
always at the service of enterprises tending to the development of our
metropolis。
When I was not in the meetings； however； and especially when in my room
at night； I was continually trying to fight off a sense of loneliness
that seemed to threaten to overwhelm me。 I wanted to be alone； and yet I
feared to be。 I was aware； in spite of their congratulations on my
efforts； of a growing dislike for my associates； and in the appalling
emptiness of the moments when my depression was greatest I was forced to
the realization that I had no disinterested friendnot onein whom I
could confide。 Nancy had failed me； I had scarcely seen Tom Peters that
winter； and it was out of the question to go to him。 For the third time
in my life； and in the greatest crisis of all； I was feeling the need of
Something； of some sustaining and impelling Power that must be presented
humanly； possessing sympathy and understanding and love。。。。 I think I
had a glimpse just a pathetic glimpseof what the Church might be of
human solidarity； comfort and support； of human tolerance； if stripped of
the superstition of an ancient science。 My tortures weren't of the
flesh； but of the mind。 My mind was the sheep which had gone astray。
Was there no such thing； could there be no such thing as a human
association that might at the same time be a divine organism； a fold and
a refuge for the lost and divided minds？ The source of all this trouble
was social。。。。
Then toward the end of that last campaign week； madness suddenly came
upon me。 I know now how near the breaking point I was； but the immediate
cause of my 〃flying to pieces〃to use a vivid expressionwas a speech
made by Guptill； one of the Citizens Union candidates for alderman； a
young man of a radical type not uncommon in these days； though new to my
experience： an educated man in the ultra…radical sense； yet lacking poise
and perspective； with a certain brilliance and assurance。 He was a
journalist； a correspondent of some Eastern newspapers and periodicals。
In this speech； which was reported to mefor it did not get into the
newspapersI was the particular object of his attack。 Men of my kind；
and not the Judd Jasons （for whom there was some excuse） were the least
dispensable tools of the capitalists； the greatest menace to
civilization。 We were absolutely lacking in principle； we were ready at
any time to besmirch our profession by legalizing steals； we fouled our
nests with dirty fees。 Not all that he said was vituperation； for he
knew something of the modern theory of the law that legal radicals had
begun to proclaim； and even to teach in some tolerant universities。
The next night； in the middle of a prepared speech I was delivering to a
large crowd in Kingdom Hall there had been jeers from a group in a corner
at some assertion I made。 Guptill's accusations had been festering in my
mind。 The faces of the people grew blurred as I felt anger boiling；
rising within me； suddenly my control gave way； and I launched forth into
a denunciation of Greenhalge； Krebs； Guptill and even of Perry Blackwood
that must have been without license or bounds。 I can recall only
fragments of my remarks： Greenhalge wanted to be mayor； and was willing
to put the stigma of slander on his native city in order to gain his
ambition； Krebs had made a failure of his profession； of everything save
in bringing shame on the place of his adoption； and on the single
occasion heretofore when he had been before the public； in the School
Board fiasco； the officials indicted on his supposed evidence had
triumphantly been vindicated； Guptill was gaining money and notoriety
out of his spleen； Perry Blackwood was acting out of spite。。。。 I
returned to Krebs； declaring that he would be the boss of the city if
that ticket were elected； demanding whether they wished for a boss an
agitator itching for power and recognition。。。。
I was conscious at the moment only of a wild relief and joy in letting
myself go； feelings heightened by the clapping and cheers with which my
characterizations were received。 The fact that the cheers were mingled
with hisses merely served to drive me on。 At length； when I had returned
to Krebs； the hisses were redoubled； angering me the more because of the
evidence they gave of friends of his in my audiences。 Perhaps I had made
some of these friends for him！ A voice shouted out above the uproar：
〃I know about Krebs。 He's a dd sight better man than you。〃 And this
started a struggle in a corner of the hall。。。。 I managed； somehow； when
the commotion had subsided； to regain my poise； and ended by uttering the
conviction that the common sense of the community would repudiate the
Citizens Union and all it stood for。。。。
But that night； as I lay awake listening to the street noises and staring
at the glint from a street lamp on the brass knob of my bedstead； I knew
that I had failed。 I had committed the supreme violation of the self
that leads inevitably to its final dissolution。。。。 Even the exuberant
headlines of the newspapers handed me by the club servant in the morning
brought but little relief。
On the Saturday morning before the Tuesday of election there was a
conference in the directors' room of the Corn National。 The city reeked
with smoke and acrid； stale gas； the electric lights were turned on to
dispel the November gloom。 It was not a cheerful conference； nor a
confident one。 For the first time in a collective experience the men
gathered there were confronted with a situation which they doubted their
ability to control； a situation for which there was no precedent。 They
had to reckon with a new and unsolvable equation in politics and
finance；the independent voter。 There was an element of desperation in
the discussion。 Recriminations passed。 Dickinson implied that Gorse
with all his knowledge of political affairs ought to have foreseen that
something like this was sure to happen； should have managed better the
conventions of both great parties。 The railroad counsel retorted that it
had been as much Dickinson's fault as his。 Grierson expressed a regret
that I had broken out against the reformers； it had reacted； he said；
and this was just enough to sting me to retaliate that things had been
done in the campaign； chiefly through his initiative； that were not only
unwise； but might land some of us in the penitentiary if Krebs were
elected。
〃Well；〃 Grierson exclaimed； 〃whether he's elected or not； I wouldn't give
much now for your chances of getting to the Senate。 We can't afford to
fly in the face of the dear public。〃
A tense silence followed this remark。 In the street below the rumble of
the traffic came to us muffled by the heavy plate…glass windows。 I saw
Tallant glance at Gorse and Dickinson； and I knew the matter had been
decided between themselves； that they had been merely withholding it from
me until after election。 I was besmirched； for the present at least。
〃I think you will do me the justice； gentlemen；〃 I remember saying
slowly； with the excessive and rather ridiculous formality of a man who
is near the end of his tether； 〃that the idea of representing you in the
Senate was yours； not mine。 You begged me to take the appointment
against my wishes and my judgment。 I had no desire to go to Washington
then； I have less to…day。 I have come to the conclusion that my
usefulness to you is at an end。〃
I got to my feet。 I beheld Miller Gorse sitting impassive； with his
encompassing stare； the strongest man of them all。 A change of
firmaments would not move him。 But Dickinson had risen and put his hand
on my shoulder。 It was the first time I had ever seen him white。
〃Hold on； Hugh；〃 he exclaimed； 〃I guess we're all a little cantankerous
today。 This confounded campaign has got on our nerves； and we say things
we don't mean。 You mustn't think we're not grateful for the services
you've rendered us。 We're all in the same boat； and there isn't a man
who's been on our side of this fight who could take a political office at
this time。 We've got to face that fact； and I know you have the sense to
see it； too。 I； for one； won't be satisfied until I see you in the
Senate。 It's where you belong； and you deserve to be there。 You
understand what the public is； how it blows hot and cold； and in a few
years they'll be howling to get us back； if these demagogues win。
〃Sure；〃 chimed in Grierson； who was frightened； 〃that's right； Hugh。 I
didn't mean anything。 Nobody appreciates you more than I do； old man。〃
Tallant； too； added something； and Berringer；I've forgotten what。 I
was tired； t