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if I had been the only sojourner。 The place was so remote； so peaceful
in contrast to the city I had left； which had become intolerable。 And at
night； during hours of wakefulness； the music of the waters falling over
the dam was soothing。 I used to walk down there and sit on the stones of
the ruined mill； or climb to the crests on the far side of the pond to
gaze for hours westward where the green billows of the Alleghenies lost
themselves in the haze。 I had discovered a new country； here； when our
trials should be over； I would bring Nancy； and I found distraction in
choosing sites for a bungalow。 In my soul hope flowered with little
watering。 Uncertain news was good news。 After two days of an impatience
all but intolerable； her first letter arrived； I learned that the
specialists had not been able to make a diagnosis； and I began to take
heart again。 At times； she said； Ham was delirious and difficult to
manage； at other times he sank into a condition of coma； and again he
seemed to know her and Ralph； who had come up from Southampton； where he
had been spending the summer。 One doctor thought that Ham's remarkable
vitality would pull him through； in spite of what his life had been。 The
shockas might have been surmisedhad affected the brain。。。。 The
letters that followed contained no additional news； she did not dwell on
the depressing reactions inevitable from the situation in which she found
herselfone so much worse than mine； she expressed a continual longing
for me； and yet I had trouble to convince myself that they did not lack
the note of reassurance for which I strained as I eagerly scanned them
of reassurance that she had no intention of permitting her husband's
condition to interfere with that ultimate happiness on which it seemed my
existence depended。 I tried to account for the absence of this note by
reflecting that the letters were of necessity brief； hurriedly scratched
off at odd moments； and a natural delicacy would prevent her from
referring to our future at such a time。 They recorded no change in Ham's
condition save that the periods of coma had ceased。 The doctors were
silent； awaiting the arrival in this country of a certain New York
specialist who was abroad。 She spent most of her days at the hospital；
returning to the hotel at night exhausted： the people she knew in the
various resorts around Boston had been most kind； sending her flowers；
and calling when in town to inquire。 At length came the news that the
New York doctor was home again； and coming to Boston。 In that letter was
a sentence which rang like a cry in my ears： 〃Oh； Hugh； I think these
doctors know now what the trouble is； I think I know。 They are only
waiting for Dr。 Jameson to confirm it。〃
It was always an effort for me to control my impatience after the first
rattling was heard in the morning of the stage that brought the mail； and
I avoided the waiting group in front of the honeycombed partition of
boxes beside the 〃office。〃 On the particular morning of which I am now
writing the proprietor himself handed me a letter of ominous thickness
which I took with me down to the borders of the lake before tearing open
the flap。 In spite of the calmness and restraint of the first lines；
because of them； I felt creeping over me an unnerving sensation I knew
for dread。。。。
〃Hugh； the New York doctor has been here。 It is as I have feared for
some weeks； but I couldn't tell you until I was sure。 Ham is not exactly
insane； but he is childish。 Sometimes I think that is even worse。 I
have had a talk with Dr。 Jameson； who has simply confirmed the opinion
which the other physicians have gradually been forming。 The accident has
precipitated a kind of mental degeneration； but his health； otherwise；
will not be greatly affected。
〃Jameson was kind； but very frank； for which I was grateful。 He did not
hesitate to say that it would have been better if the accident had been
fatal。 Ham won't be helpless； physically。 Of course he won't be able to
play polo； or take much active exercise。 If he were to be helpless； I
could feel that I might be of some use； at least of more use。 He knows
his friends。 Some of them have been here to see him； and he talks quite
rationally with them； with Ralph； with me； only once in a while he says
something silly。 It seems odd to write that he is not responsible； since
he never has been；his condition is so queer that I am at a loss to
describe it。 The other morning； before I arrived from the hotel and when
the nurse was downstairs； he left the hospital； and we found him several
blocks along Commonwealth Avenue； seated on a bench； without a hathe
was annoyed that he had forgotten it； and quite sensible otherwise。 We
began by taking him out every morning in an automobile。 To…day he had a
walk with Ralph； and insisted on going into a club here； to which they
both belong。 Two or three men were there whom they knew； and he talked
to them about his fall from the pony and told them just how it happened。
At such times only a close observer can tell from his manner that
everything is not right。
〃Ralph； who always could manage him； prevented his taking anything to
drink。 He depends upon Ralph； and it will be harder for me when he is
not with us。 His attitude towards me is just about what it has always
been。 I try to amuse him by reading the newspapers and with games； we
have a chess…board。 At times he seems grateful； and then he will
suddenly grow tired and hard to control。 Once or twice I have had to
call in Dr。 Magruder； who owns the hospital。
〃It has been terribly hard for me to write all this； but I had to do it；
in order that you might understand the situation completely。 Hugh dear；
I simply can't leave him。 This has been becoming clearer and clearer to
me all these weeks； but it breaks my heart to have to write it。 I have
struggled against it； I have lain awake nights trying to find
justification for going to you； but it is stronger than I。 I am afraid
of itI suppose that's the truth。 Even in those unforgettable days at
the farm I was afraid of it； although I did not know what it was to be。
Call it what you like； say that I am weak。 I am willing to acknowledge
that it is weakness。 I wish no credit for it； it gives me no glow； the
thought of it makes my heart sick。 I'm not big enough I suppose that's
the real truth。 I once might have been； but I'm not now；the years of
the life I chose have made a coward of me。 It's not a question of morals
or duty it's simply that I can't take the thing for which my soul craves。
It's too late。 If I believed in prayer I'd pray that you might pity and
forgive me。 I really can't expect you to understand what I can't myself
explain。 Oh； I need pityand I pity you； my dear。 I can only hope that
you will not suffer as I shall； that you will find relief away to work
out your life。 But I will not change my decision； I cannot change it。
Don't come on； don't attempt to see me now。 I can't stand any more than
I am standing； I should lose my mind。〃
Here the letter was blotted； and some words scratched out。 I was unable
to reconstruct them。
〃Ralph and I；〃 she proceeded irrelevantly； 〃have got Ham to agree to go
to Buzzard's Bay； and we have taken a house near Wareham。 Write and tell
me that you forgive and pity me。 I love you even more； if such a thing
is possible； than I have ever loved you。 This is my only comfort and
compensation； that I have had and have been able to feel such a love； and
I know I shall always feel it。Nancy。〃 The first effect of this letter
was a paralyzing one。 I was unable to realize or believe the thing that
had happened to me； and I sat stupidly holding the sheet in my hand until
I heard voices along the path； and then I fled instinctively； like an
animal； to hide my injury from any persons I might meet。 I wandered down
the shore of the lake； striking at length into the woods； seeking some
inviolable shelter； nor was I conscious of physical effort until I found
myself panting near the crest of the ridge where there was a pasture；
which some ancient glacier had strewn with great boulders。 Beside one of
these I sank。 Heralded by the deep tones of bells； two steers appeared
above the shoulder of a hill and stood staring at me with bovine
curiosity； and fell to grazing again。 A fleet of white clouds； like
ships pressed with sail； hurried across the sky as though racing for some
determined port； and the shadows they cast along the hillsides
accentuated the high brightness of the day； emphasized the vivid and
hateful beauty of the landscape。 My numbness began to be penetrated by
shooting pains； and I grasped little by little the fulness of my
calamity； until I was in the state of wild rebellion of one whom life for
the first time has foiled in a supreme desire。 There was no fate about
this thing； it was just an absurd accident。 The operation of the laws of
nature had sent a man to the ground： another combination of circumstances
would have killed him； still another； and he would have arisen unhurt。
But because of this particular combination my happiness was ruined； and
Nancy's！ She had not expected me