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so lithe and quick； or so beautiful as she looked in her fencing
dress； with embroidered shoes。
〃I was completely happy。 When a man has obtained his desire he
becomes careless and self…satisfied； I was watchful； however； for I
knew that I was naturally a selfish man。 I studied to arrange my
time and save my money； to give her as much pleasure as I could。
What she loved best in the world just then was riding。 I bought a
horse for her； and in the evenings of the spring and summer we rode
together； but when it was too dark to go out late； she would ride
alone； great distances； sometimes spend the whole day in the saddle；
and come back so tired she could hardly walk upstairsI can't say
that I liked that。 It made me nervous； she was so headlongbut I
didn't think it right to interfere with her。 I had a good deal of
anxiety about money； for though I worked hard and made more than
ever； there never seemed enough。 I was anxious to saveI hoped； of
coursebut we had no child； and this was a trouble to me。 She grew
more beautiful than ever； and I think was happy。 Has it ever struck
you that each one of us lives on the edge of a volcano？ There is； I
imagine； no one who has not some affection or interest so strong that
he counts the rest for nothing； beside it。 No doubt a man may live
his life through without discovering that。 But some of us！ I am
not complaining； what isis。〃 He pulled the cap lower over his
eyes； and clutched his hands firmly on the top of his stick。 He was
like a man who rushes his horse at some hopeless fence； unwilling to
give himself time； for fear of craning at the last moment。 〃In the
spring of '78； a new pupil came to me； a young man of twenty…one who
was destined for the army。 I took a fancy to him； and did my best to
turn him into a good swordsman； but there was a kind of perverse
recklessness in him； for a few minutes one would make a great
impression； then he would grow utterly careless。 'Francis；' I would
say； 'if I were you I should be ashamed。' 'Mr。 Brune；' he would
answer； 'why should I be ashamed？ I didn't make myself。' God knows；
I wish to do him justice； he had a heartone day he drove up in a
cab； and brought in his poor dog； who had been run over； and was
dying： For half an hour he shut himself up with its body； we could
hear him sobbing like a child； he came out with his eyes all red； and
cried： 'I know where to find the brute who drove over him；' and off
he rushed。 He had beautiful Italian eyes； a slight figure； not very
tall； dark hair； a little dark moustache； and his lips were always a
trifle partedit was that； and his walk； and the way he drooped his
eyelids； which gave him a peculiar； soft； proud look。 I used to tell
him that he'd never make a soldier！ 'Oh！' he'd answer； 'that'll be
all right when the time comes！ He believed in a kind of luck that
was to do everything for him； when the time came。 One day he came in
as I was giving Eilie her lesson。 This was the first time they saw
each other。 After that he came more often； and sometimes stayed to
dinner with us。 I won't deny； sir； that I was glad to welcome him； I
thought it good for Eilie。 Can there be anything more odious；〃 he
burst out； 〃than such a self…complacent blindness？ There are people
who say； 'Poor man； he had such faith！' Faith； sir！ Conceit！ I was
a foolin this world one pays for folly。。。。
〃The summer came； and one Saturday in early June； Eilie； I； and
FrancisI won't tell you his other namewent riding。 The night had
been wet； there was no dust； and presently the sun came outa
glorious day！ We rode a long way。 About seven o'clock we started
back…slowly； for it was still hot； and there was all the cool of
night before us。 It was nine o'clock when we came to Richmond Park。
A grand place； Richmond Park； and in that half…light wonderful； the
deer moving so softly； you might have thought they were spirits。 We
were silent toogreat trees have that effect on me。。。。
〃Who can say when changes come？ Like a shift of the wind； the old
passes； the new is on you。 I am telling you now of a change like
that。 Without a sign of warning； Eilie put her horse into a gallop。
'What are you doing？' I shouted。 She looked back with a smile； then
he dashed past me too。 A hornet might have stung them both： they
galloped over fallen trees； under low hanging branches； up hill and
down。 I had to watch that madness！ My horse was not so fast。 I
rode like a demon； but fell far behind。 I am not a man who takes
things quietly。 When I came up with them at last； I could not speak
for rage。 They were riding side by side； the reins on the horses'
necks； looking in each other's faces。 'You should take care；' I
said。 'Care！' she cried； 'life is not all taking care！' My anger
left me。 I dropped behind； as grooms ride behind their mistresses。。。
Jealousy！ No torture is so ceaseless or so black。。。。 In those
minutes a hundred things came up in mea hundred memories； true；
untrue； what do I know？ My soul was poisoned。 I tried to reason
with myself。 It was absurd to think such things！ It was unmanly。。。。
Even if it were true； one should try to be a gentleman！ But I found
myself laughing； yes； sir； laughing at that word。〃 He spoke faster；
as if pouring his heart out not to a live listener； but to the night。
〃I could not sleep that night。 To lie near her with those thoughts
in my brain was impossible！ I made an excuse； and sat up with some
papers。 The hardest thing in life is to see a thing coming and be
able to do nothing to prevent it。 What could I do？ Have you noticed
how people may become utter strangers without a word？ It only needs
a thought。。。。 The very next day she said： 'I want to go to Lucy's。'
'Alone？' 'Yes。' I had made up my mind by then that she must do just
as she wished。 Perhaps I acted wrongly； I do not know what one ought
to do in such a case； but before she went I said to her： 'Eilie； what
is it？' 'I don't know；' she answered； and I kissed herthat was
all。。。。 A month passed； I wrote to her nearly every day； and I had
short letters from her； telling me very little of herself。 Dalton
was a torture to me； for I could not tell him； he had a conviction
that she was going to become a mother。 'Ah； Brune！' he said； 'my
poor wife was just like that。' Life； sir； is a somewhat ironical
affair。。。！ HeI find it hard to speak his namecame to the school
two or three times a week。 I used to think I saw a change； a purpose
growing up through his recklessness； there seemed a violence in him
as if he chafed against my blade。 I had a kind of joy in feeling I
had the mastery； and could toss the iron out of his hand any minute
like a straw。 I was ashamed； and yet I gloried in it。 Jealousy is a
low thing； sira low； base thing！ When he asked me where my wife
was； I told him； I was too proud to hide it。 Soon after that he came
no more to the school。
〃One morning； when I could bear it no longer； I wrote； and said I was
coming down。 I would not force myself on her； but I asked her to
meet me in the orchard of the old house we called the Convent。 I
asked her to be there at four o'clock。 It has always been my； belief
that a man must neither beg anything of a woman； nor force anything
from her。 Women are generousthey will give you what they can。 I
sealed my letter； and posted it myself。 All the way down I kept on
saying to myself； 'She must comesurely she will come！'
VII
〃I was in high spirits； but the next moment trembled like a man with
ague。 I reached the orchard before my time。 She was not there。 You
know what it is like to wait？ I stood still and listened； I went to
the point whence I could see farthest； I said to myself； 'A watched
pot never boils； if I don't look for her she will come。' I walked up
and down with my eyes on the ground。 The sickness of it！ A hundred
times I took out my watch。。。。 Perhaps it was fast； perhaps hers was
slowI can't tell you a thousandth part of my hopes and fears。
There was a spring of water； in one corner。 I sat beside it； and
thought of the last time I had been thereand something seemed to
burst in me。 It was five o'clock before I lost all hope； there comes
a time when you're glad that hope is dead； it means rest。 'That's
over；' you say； 'now I can act。' But what was I to do？ I lay down
with my face to the ground； when one's in trouble； it's the only
thing that helpssomething to press against and cling to that can't
give way。 I lay there for two hours； knowing all the time that I
should play the coward。 At seven o'clock I left the orchard and went
towards the inn； I had broken my word； but I felt happy。。。。 I should
see herand； sir； nothingnothing seemed to matter beside that。
Tor was in the garden snipping at his roses。 He came up； and I could
see that he couldn't look me in the face。 'Where's my wife？' I said。
He answered； 'Let's get Lucy。'