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villa rubein and other stories-第45章

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so lithe and quick; or so beautiful as she looked in her fencing

dress; with embroidered shoes。



〃I was completely happy。  When a man has obtained his desire he

becomes careless and self…satisfied; I was watchful; however; for I

knew that I was naturally a selfish man。  I studied to arrange my

time and save my money; to give her as much pleasure as I could。

What she loved best in the world just then was riding。  I bought a

horse for her; and in the evenings of the spring and summer we rode

together; but when it was too dark to go out late; she would ride

alone; great distances; sometimes spend the whole day in the saddle;

and come back so tired she could hardly walk upstairsI can't say

that I liked that。  It made me nervous; she was so headlongbut I

didn't think it right to interfere with her。  I had a good deal of

anxiety about money; for though I worked hard and made more than

ever; there never seemed enough。  I was anxious to saveI hoped; of

coursebut we had no child; and this was a trouble to me。  She grew

more beautiful than ever; and I think was happy。  Has it ever struck

you that each one of us lives on the edge of a volcano?  There is; I

imagine; no one who has not some affection or interest so strong that

he counts the rest for nothing; beside it。  No doubt a man may live

his life through without discovering that。  But some of us!  I am

not complaining; what isis。〃  He pulled the cap lower over his

eyes; and clutched his hands firmly on the top of his stick。  He was

like a man who rushes his horse at some hopeless fence; unwilling to

give himself time; for fear of craning at the last moment。  〃In the

spring of '78; a new pupil came to me; a young man of twenty…one who

was destined for the army。  I took a fancy to him; and did my best to

turn him into a good swordsman; but there was a kind of perverse

recklessness in him; for a few minutes one would make a great

impression; then he would grow utterly careless。  'Francis;' I would

say; 'if I were you I should be ashamed。'  'Mr。 Brune;' he would

answer; 'why should I be ashamed?  I didn't make myself。'  God knows;

I wish to do him justice; he had a heartone day he drove up in a

cab; and brought in his poor dog; who had been run over; and was

dying: For half an hour he shut himself up with its body; we could

hear him sobbing like a child; he came out with his eyes all red; and

cried: 'I know where to find the brute who drove over him;' and off

he rushed。  He had beautiful Italian eyes; a slight figure; not very

tall; dark hair; a little dark moustache; and his lips were always a

trifle partedit was that; and his walk; and the way he drooped his

eyelids; which gave him a peculiar; soft; proud look。  I used to tell

him that he'd never make a soldier!  'Oh!' he'd answer; 'that'll be

all right when the time comes!  He believed in a kind of luck that

was to do everything for him; when the time came。  One day he came in

as I was giving Eilie her lesson。  This was the first time they saw

each other。  After that he came more often; and sometimes stayed to

dinner with us。  I won't deny; sir; that I was glad to welcome him; I

thought it good for Eilie。  Can there be anything more odious;〃 he

burst out; 〃than such a self…complacent blindness?  There are people

who say; 'Poor man; he had such faith!'  Faith; sir!  Conceit!  I was

a foolin this world one pays for folly。。。。



〃The summer came; and one Saturday in early June; Eilie; I; and

FrancisI won't tell you his other namewent riding。  The night had

been wet; there was no dust; and presently the sun came outa

glorious day!  We rode a long way。  About seven o'clock we started

back…slowly; for it was still hot; and there was all the cool of

night before us。  It was nine o'clock when we came to Richmond Park。

A grand place; Richmond Park; and in that half…light wonderful; the

deer moving so softly; you might have thought they were spirits。  We

were silent toogreat trees have that effect on me。。。。



〃Who can say when changes come?  Like a shift of the wind; the old

passes; the new is on you。  I am telling you now of a change like

that。  Without a sign of warning; Eilie put her horse into a gallop。

'What are you doing?' I shouted。  She looked back with a smile; then

he dashed past me too。  A hornet might have stung them both: they

galloped over fallen trees; under low hanging branches; up hill and

down。  I had to watch that madness!  My horse was not so fast。  I

rode like a demon; but fell far behind。  I am not a man who takes

things quietly。  When I came up with them at last; I could not speak

for rage。  They were riding side by side; the reins on the horses'

necks; looking in each other's faces。  'You should take care;' I

said。  'Care!' she cried; 'life is not all taking care!'  My anger

left me。  I dropped behind; as grooms ride behind their mistresses。。。

Jealousy!  No torture is so ceaseless or so black。。。。  In those

minutes a hundred things came up in mea hundred memories; true;

untrue; what do I know?  My soul was poisoned。  I tried to reason

with myself。  It was absurd to think such things!  It was unmanly。。。。

Even if it were true; one should try to be a gentleman!  But I found

myself laughing; yes; sir; laughing at that word。〃  He spoke faster;

as if pouring his heart out not to a live listener; but to the night。

〃I could not sleep that night。  To lie near her with those thoughts

in my brain was impossible!  I made an excuse; and sat up with some

papers。  The hardest thing in life is to see a thing coming and be

able to do nothing to prevent it。  What could I do?  Have you noticed

how people may become utter strangers without a word?  It only needs

a thought。。。。  The very next day she said: 'I want to go to Lucy's。'

'Alone?'  'Yes。'  I had made up my mind by then that she must do just

as she wished。  Perhaps I acted wrongly; I do not know what one ought

to do in such a case; but before she went I said to her: 'Eilie; what

is it?'  'I don't know;' she answered; and I kissed herthat was

all。。。。  A month passed; I wrote to her nearly every day; and I had

short letters from her; telling me very little of herself。  Dalton

was a torture to me; for I could not tell him; he had a conviction

that she was going to become a mother。  'Ah; Brune!' he said; 'my

poor wife was just like that。'  Life; sir; is a somewhat ironical

affair。。。!  HeI find it hard to speak his namecame to the school

two or three times a week。  I used to think I saw a change; a purpose

growing up through his recklessness; there seemed a violence in him

as if he chafed against my blade。  I had a kind of joy in feeling I

had the mastery; and could toss the iron out of his hand any minute

like a straw。  I was ashamed; and yet I gloried in it。  Jealousy is a

low thing; sira low; base thing!  When he asked me where my wife

was; I told him; I was too proud to hide it。  Soon after that he came

no more to the school。



〃One morning; when I could bear it no longer; I wrote; and said I was

coming down。  I would not force myself on her; but I asked her to

meet me in the orchard of the old house we called the Convent。  I

asked her to be there at four o'clock。  It has always been my; belief

that a man must neither beg anything of a woman; nor force anything

from her。  Women are generousthey will give you what they can。  I

sealed my letter; and posted it myself。  All the way down I kept on

saying to myself; 'She must comesurely she will come!'









VII



〃I was in high spirits; but the next moment trembled like a man with

ague。  I reached the orchard before my time。  She was not there。  You

know what it is like to wait?  I stood still and listened; I went to

the point whence I could see farthest; I said to myself; 'A watched

pot never boils; if I don't look for her she will come。'  I walked up

and down with my eyes on the ground。  The sickness of it!  A hundred

times I took out my watch。。。。 Perhaps it was fast; perhaps hers was

slowI can't tell you a thousandth part of my hopes and fears。

There was a spring of water; in one corner。  I sat beside it; and

thought of the last time I had been thereand something seemed to

burst in me。  It was five o'clock before I lost all hope; there comes

a time when you're glad that hope is dead; it means rest。  'That's

over;' you say; 'now I can act。'  But what was I to do?  I lay down

with my face to the ground; when one's in trouble; it's the only

thing that helpssomething to press against and cling to that can't

give way。  I lay there for two hours; knowing all the time that I

should play the coward。  At seven o'clock I left the orchard and went

towards the inn; I had broken my word; but I felt happy。。。。 I should

see herand; sir; nothingnothing seemed to matter beside that。

Tor was in the garden snipping at his roses。  He came up; and I could

see that he couldn't look me in the face。  'Where's my wife?' I said。

He answered; 'Let's get Lucy。' 
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