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in nineteen battlesseveral times in positions of some danger； when
the lifting of a finger perhaps meant death； but I have never felt
what I was feeling at that moment。 I knew something was coming； and
I was paralysed with terror lest it should not come！〃 He drew a long
breath。
〃The servant came in with a light and broke the spell。 All that
night I lay awake and thought of how she had looked at me； with the
colour coming slowly up in her cheeks
〃It was three days before I plucked up courage to go again； and then
I felt her eyes on me at onceshe was making a 'cat's cradle' with a
bit of string； but I could see them stealing up from her hands to my
face。 And she went wandering about the room； fingering at
everything。 When her father called out： 'What's the matter with you；
Elie？' she stared at him like a child caught doing wrong。 I looked
straight at her then； she tried to look at me； but she couldn't； and
a minute later she went out of the room。 God knows what sort of
nonsense I talkedI was too happy。
〃Then began our love。 I can't tell you of that time。 Often and
often Dalton said to me： 'What's come to the child？ Nothing I can do
pleases her。' All the love she had given him was now for me； but he
was too simple and straight to see what was going on。 How many times
haven't I felt criminal towards him！ But when you're happy； with the
tide in your favour； you become a coward at once。。。。
V
〃Well； sir；〃 he went on； 〃we were married on her eighteenth birthday。
It was a long time before Dalton became aware of our love。 But one
day he said to me with a very grave look：
〃'Eilie has told me； Brune； I forbid it。 She's too young； and
you'retoo old！' I was then forty…five； my hair as black and thick
as a rook's feathers； and I was strong and active。 I answered him：
'We shall be married within a month！' We parted in anger。 It was a
May night； and I walked out far into the country。 There's no remedy
for anger； or； indeed； for anything； so fine as walking。 Once I
stoppedit was on a common； without a house or light； and the stars
shining like jewels。 I was hot from walking； I could feel the blood
boiling in my veinsI said to myself 'Old； are you？' And I laughed
like a fool。 It was the thought of losing herI wished to believe
myself angry； but really I was afraid； fear and anger in me are very
much the same。 A friend of mine； a bit of a poet； sir； once called
them 'the two black wings of self。' And so they are； so they are。。。！
The next morning I went to Dalton again； and somehow I made him
yield。 I'm not a philosopher； but it has often seemed to me that no
benefit can come to us in this life without an equal loss somewhere；
but does that stop us？ No； sir； not often。。。。
〃We were married on the 3oth of June 1876； in the parish church。 The
only people present were Dalton； Lucy； and Lucy's husbanda big；
red…faced fellow； with blue eyes and a golden beard parted in two。
It had been arranged that we should spend the honeymoon down at their
inn on the river。 My wife； Dalton and I； went to a restaurant for
lunch。 She was dressed in grey； the colour of a pigeon's feathers。〃
He paused； leaning forward over the crutch handle of his stick；
trying to conjure up； no doubt； that long…ago image of his young
bride in her dress 〃the colour of a pigeon's feathers；〃 with her blue
eyes and yellow hair； the little frown between her brows； the firmly
shut red lips； opening to speak the words； 〃For better； for worse；
for richer； for poorer； in sickness and in health。〃
〃At that time； sir；〃 he went on suddenly； 〃I was a bit of a dandy。 I
wore； I remember； a blue frock…coat； with white trousers； and a grey
top hat。 Even now I should always prefer to be well dressed。。。。
〃We had an excellent lunch； and drank Veuve Clicquot； a wine that you
cannot get in these days！ Dalton came with us to the railway
station。 I can't bear partings； and yet； they must come。
〃That evening we walked out in the cool under the aspen…trees。 What
should I remember in all my life if not that nightthe young
bullocks snuffling in the gatewaysthe campion flowers all lighted
up along the hedgesthe moon with a halo…bats； too； in and out among
the stems； and the shadows of the cottages as black and soft as that
sea down there。 For a long time we stood on the river…bank beneath a
lime…tree。 The scent of the lime flowers！ A man can only endure
about half his joy； about half his sorrow。 Lucy and her husband；〃 he
went on； presently； 〃his name was Frank Tora man like an old
Viking； who ate nothing but milk； bread； and fruitwere very good to
us！ It was like Paradise in that innthough the commissariat； I am
bound to say； was limited。 The sweetbriar grew round our bedroom
windows； when the breeze blew the leaves across the openingit was
like a bath of perfume。 Eilie grew as brown as a gipsy while we were
there。 I don't think any man could have loved her more than I did。
But there were times when my heart stood still； it didn't seem as if
she understood how much I loved her。 One day； I remember； she coaxed
me to take her camping。 We drifted down…stream all the afternoon；
and in the evening pulled into the reeds under the willow…boughs and
lit a fire for her to cook bythough； as a matter of fact； our
provisions were cooked alreadybut you know how it is； all the
romance was in having a real fire。 'We won't pretend；' she kept
saying。 While we were eating our supper a hare came to our clearing…
…a big fellowhow surprised he looked！ 'The tall hare；' Eilie
called him。 After that we sat by the ashes and watched the shadows；
till at last she roamed away from me。 The time went very slowly； I
got up to look for her。 It was past sundown。 I called and called。
It was a long time before I found herand she was like a wild thing；
hot and flushed； her pretty frock torn； her hands and face scratched；
her hair down； like some beautiful creature of the woods。 If one
loves； a little thing will scare one。 I didn't think she had noticed
my fright； but when we got back to the boat she threw her arms round
my neck； and said； 'I won't ever leave you again！'
〃Once in the night I wokea water…hen was crying； and in the
moonlight a kingfisher flew across。 The wonder on the riverthe
wonder of the moon and trees； the soft bright mist； the stillness！ It
was like another world； peaceful； enchanted； far holier than ours。
It seemed like a vision of the thoughts that come to onehow seldom！
and go if one tries to grasp them。 Magicpoetry…sacred！〃 He was
silent a minute； then went on in a wistful voice： 〃I looked at her；
sleeping like a child； with her hair loose； and her lips apart； and I
thought： 'God do so to me； if ever I bring her pain！' How was I to
understand her？ the mystery and innocence of her soul！ The river has
had all my light and all my darkness； the happiest days； and the
hours when I've despaired； and I like to think of it； for； you know；
in time bitter memories fade； only the good remain。。。。 Yet the good
have their own pain； a different kind of aching； for we shall never
get them back。 Sir；〃 he said； turning to me with a faint smile；
〃it's no use crying over spilt milk。。。。 In the neighbourhood of
Lucy's inn； the Rose and MaybushCan you imagine a prettier name？ I
have been all over the world； and nowhere found names so pretty as in
the English country。 There； too； every blade of grass； and flower；
has a kind of pride about it； knows it will be cared for； and all the
roads； trees； and cottages； seem to be certain that they will live
for ever。。。。 But I was going to tell you： Half a mile from the inn
was a quiet old house which we used to call the 'Convent'though I
believe it was a farm。 We spent many afternoons there； trespassing
in the orchardEilie was fond of trespassing； if there were a long
way round across somebody else's property； she would always take it。
We spent our last afternoon in that orchard； lying in the long grass。
I was reading Childe Harold for the first timea wonderful； a
memorable poem！ I was at that passagethe bull…fightyou remember：
〃'Thrice sounds the clarion； lo！ the signal falls；
The din expands； and expectation mute'
when suddenly Eilie said： 'Suppose I were to leave off loving you？'
It was as if some one had struck me in the face。 I jumped up； and
tried to take her in my arms； but she slipped away； then she turned；
and began laughing softly。 I laughed too。 I don't know why。。。。
VI
〃We went back to London the next day； we lived quite close to the
school； and about five days a week Dalton came to dine with us。 He
would have come every day； if he had not been the sort of man who
refuses to consult his own pleasure。 We had more pupils than ever。
In my leisure I taught my wife to fence。 I have never seen any one
so lithe and quick； or so beautiful as she looked in her fencin