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wife； are not pleasant to describe： so we shall omit altogether any account
of the early married life of Mr。 and Mrs。 John Hayes。 The 〃Newgate
Calendar〃 （to which excellent compilation we and the OTHER popular
novelists of the day can never be sufficiently grateful） states that Hayes
left his house three or four times during this period； and； urged by the
restless humours of his wife； tried several professions： returning； however；
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as he grew weary of each； to his wife and his paternal home。 After a
certain time his parents died； and by their demise he succeeded to a small
property； and the carpentering business； which he for some time followed。
What； then； in the meanwhile； had become of Captain Wood； or Brock；
and Ensign Macshane？the only persons now to be accounted for in our
catalogue。 For about six months after their capture and release of Mr。
Hayes； those noble gentlemen had followed； with much prudence and
success； that trade which the celebrated and polite Duval； the ingenious
Sheppard； the dauntless Turpin； and indeed many other heroes of our most
popular novels； had pursued；or were pursuing； in their time。 And so
considerable were said to be Captain Wood's gains； that reports were
abroad of his having somewhere a buried treasure； to which he might have
added more； had not Fate suddenly cut short his career as a prig。 He and
the Ensign wereshame to saytransported for stealing three pewter…pots
off a railing at Exeter； and not being known in the town； which they had
only reached that morning； they were detained by no further charges； but
simply condemned on this one。 For this misdemeanour； Her Majesty's
Government vindictively sent them for seven years beyond the sea； and； as
the fashion then was； sold the use of their bodies to Virginian planters
during that space of time。 It is thus； alas！ that the strong are always used to
deal with the weak； and many an honest fellow has been led to rue his
unfortunate difference with the law。
Thus； then； we have settled all scores。 The Count is in Holland with his
wife； Mrs。 Cat in Warwickshire along with her excellent husband； Master
Thomas Billings with his adoptive parents in the same county； and the two
military gentlemen watching the progress and cultivation of the tobacco
and cotton plant in the New World。 All these things having passed between
the acts； dingaring…a…dingaring…a…dingledingleding； the drop draws up； and
the next act begins。 By the way； the play ENDS with a drop： but that is
neither here nor there。
* * *
（Here； as in a theatre； the orchestra is supposed to play something
melodious。 The people get up； shake themselves； yawn； and settle down in
their seats again。 〃Porter； ale； ginger…beer； cider；〃 comes round； squeezing
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through the legs of the gentlemen in the pit。 Nobody takes anything； as
usual； and lo！ the curtain rises again。 〃Sh； 'shsh； 'shshshhh！ Hats off！〃 says
everybody。）
* * *
Mrs。 Hayes had now been for six years the adored wife of Mr。 Hayes；
and no offspring had arisen to bless their loves and perpetuate their name。
She had obtained a complete mastery over her lord and master； and having
had； as far as was in that gentleman's power； every single wish gratified
that she could demand； in the way of dress； treats to Coventry and
Birmingham； drink； and what notfor； though a hard man； John Hayes had
learned to spend his money pretty freely on himself and herhaving had
all her wishes gratified； it was natural that she should begin to find out
some more； and the next whim she hit upon was to be restored to her child。
It may be as well to state that she had never informed her husband of the
existence of that phenomenon； although he was aware of his wife's former
connection with the Count；Mrs。 Hayes； in their matrimonial quarrels；
invariably taunting him with accounts of her former splendour and
happiness； and with his own meanness of taste in condescending to take
up with his Excellency's leavings。
She determined； then （but as yet had not confided her determination to
her husband）； she would have her boy； although in her seven years'
residence within twenty miles of him she had never once thought of seeing
him： and the kind reader knows that when his excellent lady determines on
a thinga shawl； or an opera…box； or a new carriage； or twenty…four
singing…lessons from Tamburini； or a night at the 〃Eagle Tavern；〃 City
Road； or a ride in a 'bus to Richmond and tea and brandy…and…water at
〃Rose Cottage Hotel〃the reader； high or low； knows that when Mrs。
Reader desires a thing have it she will； you may just as well talk of
avoiding her as of avoiding gout； bills； or grey hairsand that； you know；
is impossible。 I； for my part； have had all threeay； and a wife too。
I say that when a woman is resolved on a thing； happen it will； if
husbands refuse； Fate will interfere （flectere si nequeo； etc。； but quotations
are odious）。 And some hidden power was working in the case of Mrs。
Hayes； and； for its own awful purposes； lending her its aid。 Who has not
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felt how he worksthe dreadful conquering Spirit of Ill？ Who cannot see；
in the circle of his own society； the fated and foredoomed to woe and evil？
Some call the doctrine of destiny a dark creed； but； for me； I would fain
try and think it a consolatory one。 It is better； with all one's sins upon one's
head； to deem oneself in the hands of Fate； than to thinkwith our fierce
passions and weak repentances； with our resolves so loud； so vain； so
ludicrously； despicably weak and frail； with our dim； wavering； wretched
conceits about virtue； and our irresistible propensity to wrong；that we are
the workers of our future sorrow or happiness。 If we depend on our
strength； what is it against mighty circumstance？ If we look to ourselves；
what hope have we？ Look back at the whole of your life； and see how Fate
has mastered you and it。 Think of your disappointments and your
successes。 Has YOUR striving influenced one or the other？ A fit of
indigestion puts itself between you and honours and reputation； an apple
plops on your nose and makes you a world's wonder and glory； a fit of
poverty makes a rascal of you； who were； and are still； an honest man；
clubs； trumps； or six lucky mains at dice； make an honest man for life of
you； who ever were； will be； and are a rascal。 Who sends the illness？ who
causes the apple to fall？ who deprives you of your worldly goods？ or who
shuffles the cards； and brings trumps； honour； virtue； and prosperity back
again？ You call it chance； ay； and so it is chance that when the floor gives
way； and the rope stretches tight； the poor wretch before St。 Sepulchre's
clock dies。 Only with us； clear…sighted mortals as we are； we can't SEE the
rope by which we hang； and know not when or how the drop may fall。
But revenons a nos moutons： let us return to that sweet lamb Master
Thomas； and the milk…white ewe Mrs。 Cat。 Seven years had passed away；
and she began to think that she should very much like to see her child once
more。 It was written that she should； and you shall hear how； soon after；
without any great exertions of hers； back he came to her。
In the month of July； in the year 1715； there came down a road about
ten miles from the city of Worcester； two gentlemen； not mounted；
Templar…like； upon one horse； but having a horse between thema sorry
bay； with a sorry saddle； and a large pack behind it； on which each by turn
took a ride。 Of the two； one was a man of excessive stature； with red hair；
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