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by Silverkoop； if he had not been so fond of Rhenish and sugar； he never
would have died； and Mrs。 Silverkoop would have been neither rich nor a
widow； nor a wife to Count von Galgenstein。 Nay； nor would this history
have ever been written； for if Count Galgenstein had not married the rich
widow； Mrs。 Catherine would never have
Oh； my dear madam！ you thought we were going to tell you。 Pooh！
nonsense！no such thing！ not for two or three and seventy pages or so；
when； perhaps； you MAY know what Mrs。 Catherine never would have
done。
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Catherine： A Story
The reader will remember； in the second chapter of these Memoirs； the
announcement that Mrs。 Catherine had given to the world a child； who
might bear； if he chose； the arms of Galgenstein； with the further
adornment of a bar…sinister。 This child had been put out to nurse some time
before its mother's elopement from the Count； and as that nobleman was
in funds at the time （having had that success at play which we duly
chronicled）； he paid a sum of no less than twenty guineas； which was to be
the yearly reward of the nurse into whose charge the boy was put。 The
woman grew fond of the brat； and when； after the first year； she had no
further news or remittances from father or mother； she determined； for a
while at least； to maintain the infant at her own expense； for； when
rebuked by her neighbours on this score； she stoutly swore that no parents
could ever desert their children； and that some day or other she should not
fail to be rewarded for her trouble with this one。
Under this strange mental hallucination poor Goody Billings； who had
five children and a husband of her own； continued to give food and shelter
to little Tom for a period of no less than seven years； and though it must be
acknowledged that the young gentleman did not in the slightest degree
merit the kindnesses shown to him； Goody Billings； who was of a very
soft and pitiful disposition； continued to bestow them upon him： because；
she said； he was lonely and unprotected； and deserved them more than
other children who had fathers and mothers to look after them。 If； then；
any difference was made between Tom's treatment and that of her own
brood； it was considerably in favour of the former； to whom the largest
proportions of treacle were allotted for his bread； and the handsomest
supplies of hasty pudding。 Besides； to do Mrs。 Billings justice； there WAS
a party against him； and that consisted not only of her husband and her
five children； but of every single person in the neighbourhood who had an
opportunity of seeing and becoming acquainted with Master Tom。
A celebrated philosopherI think Miss Edgeworthhas broached the
consolatory doctrine； that in intellect and disposition all human beings are
entirely equal； and that circumstance and education are the causes of the
distinctions and divisions which afterwards unhappily take place among
them。 Not to argue this question； which places Jack Howard and Jack
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Catherine： A Story
Thurtell on an exact level；which would have us to believe that Lord
Melbourne is by natural gifts and excellences a man as honest； brave； and
far…sighted as the Duke of Wellington；which would make out that Lord
Lyndhurst is； in point of principle； eloquence； and political honesty； no
better than Mr。 O'Connell；not； I say； arguing this doctrine； let us simply
state that Master Thomas Billings （for； having no other； he took the name
of the worthy people who adopted him） was in his long…coats fearfully
passionate； screaming and roaring perpetually； and showing all the ill that
he COULD show。 At the age of two； when his strength enabled him to
toddle abroad； his favourite resort was the coal…hole or the dung…heap： his
roarings had not diminished in the least； and he had added to his former
virtues two new ones；a love of fighting and stealing； both which amiable
qualities he had many opportunities of exercising every day。 He fought his
little adoptive brothers and sisters； he kicked and cuffed his father and
mother； he fought the cat； stamped upon the kittens； was worsted in a
severe battle with the hen in the backyard； but； in revenge； nearly beat a
little sucking…pig to death； whom he caught alone and rambling near his
favourite haunt； the dung…hill。 As for stealing； he stole the eggs； which he
perforated and emptied； the butter； which he ate with or without bread； as
he could find it； the sugar； which he cunningly secreted in the leaves of a
〃Baker's Chronicle；〃 that nobody in the establishment could read； and thus
from the pages of history he used to suck in all he knewthieving and
lying namely； in which； for his years； he made wonderful progress。 If any
followers of Miss Edgeworth and the philosophers are inclined to
disbelieve this statement； or to set it down as overcharged and distorted；
let them be assured that just this very picture was； of all the pictures in the
world； taken from nature。 I； Ikey Solomons； once had a dear little brother
who could steal before he could walk （and this not from encouragement；
for； if you know the world； you must know that in families of our
profession the point of honour is sacred at home；but from pure nature）
who could steal； I say； before he could walk； and lie before he could speak；
and who； at four and a half years of age； having attacked my sister
Rebecca on some question of lollipops； had smitten her on the elbow with
a fire…shovel； apologising to us by saying simply； 〃 her； I wish it had
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Catherine： A Story
been her head！〃 Dear； dear Aminadab！ I think of you； and laugh these
philosophers to scorn。 Nature made you for that career which you fulfilled：
you were from your birth to your dying a scoundrel； you COULDN'T have
been anything else； however your lot was cast； and blessed it was that you
were born among the prigs；… …for had you been of any other profession；
alas！ alas！ what ills might you have done！ As I have heard the author of
〃Richelieu；〃 〃Siamese Twins；〃 etc。 say 〃Poeta nascitur non fit；〃 which
means that though he had tried ever so much to be a poet； it was all
moonshine： in the like manner； I say； 〃ROAGUS nascitur； non fit。〃 We
have it from nature； and so a fig for Miss Edgeworth。
In this manner； then； while his father； blessed with a wealthy wife； was
leading； in a fine house； the life of a galley…slave； while his mother；
married to Mr。 Hayes； and made an honest women of； as the saying is； was
passing her time respectably in Warwickshire； Mr。 Thomas Billings was
inhabiting the same county； not cared for by either of them； but ordained
by Fate to join them one day； and have a mighty influence upon the
fortunes of both。 For； as it has often happened to the traveller in the York
or the Exeter coach to fall snugly asleep in his corner； and on awaking
suddenly to find himself sixty or seventy miles from the place where
Somnus first visited him： as； we say； although you sit still； Time； poor
wretch； keeps perpetually running on； and so must run day and night； with
never a pause or a halt of five minutes to get a drink； until his dying day；
let the reader imagine that since he left Mrs。 Hayes and all the other
worthy personages of this history； in the last chapter； seven years have
sped away； during which； all our heroes and heroines have been
accomplishing their destinies。
Seven years of country carpentering； or rather trading； on the part of a
husband； of ceaseless scolding； violence； and discontent on the part of a
wife； are not pleasant to describe： so we shall omit altogether any account
of th