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〃Nan's an honest girl； Madam Catherine； and was a great favourite of
the Captain's before someone else came in his way。 No one can say a word
against hernot a word。〃
〃And pray； Corporal； who ever did？〃 said Mrs。 Cat； rather offended。
〃A nasty； ugly slut！ I wonder what the men can see in her？〃
〃She has got a smart way with her； sure enough； it's what amuses the
men； and〃
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〃And what？ You don't mean to say that my Max is fond of her NOW？〃
said Mrs。 Catherine； looking very fierce。
〃Oh； no； not at all： not of HER；that is〃
〃Not of HER！〃 screamed she。 〃Of whom； then？〃
〃Oh； psha！ nonsense！ Of you； my dear； to be sure； who else should he
care for？ And； besides； what business is it of mine？〃 And herewith the
Corporal began whistling； as if he would have no more of the conversation。
But Mrs。 Cat was not to be satisfied；not she；and carried on her cross…
questions。
〃Why； look you；〃 said the Corporal； after parrying many of these；
〃Why； look you； I'm an old fool； Catherine； and I must blab。 That man has
been the best friend I ever had； and so I was quiet； but I can't keep it in any
longer；no； hang me if I can！ It's my belief he's acting like a rascal by you：
he deceives you； Catherine； he's a scoundrel； Mrs。 Hall； that's the truth
on't。〃
Catherine prayed him to tell all he knew； and he resumed。
〃He wants you off his hands； he's sick of you； and so brought here that
fool Tom Trippet； who has taken a fancy to you。 He has not the courage to
turn you out of doors like a man； though indoors he can treat you like a
beast。 But I'll tell you what he'll do。 In a month he will go to Coventry； or
pretend to go there； on recruiting business。 No such thing； Mrs。 Hall； he's
going on MARRIAGE business； and he'll leave you without a farthing； to
starve or to rot； for him。 It's all arranged； I tell you： in a month； you are to
be starved into becoming Tom Trippet's mistress； and his honour is to
marry rich Miss Dripping； the twenty…thousand…pounder from London；
and to purchase a regiment；and to get old Brock drummed out of Cutts's
too；〃 said the Corporal； under his breath。 But he might have spoken out； if
he chose； for the poor young woman had sunk on the ground in a real
honest fit。
〃I thought I should give it her；〃 said Mr。 Brock as he procured a glass
of water； and； lifting her on to a sofa； sprinkled the same over her。 〃Hang
it！ how pretty she is。〃
* * *
When Mrs。 Catherine came to herself again； Brock's tone with her was
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Catherine： A Story
kind； and almost feeling。 Nor did the poor wench herself indulge in any
subsequent shiverings and hysterics； such as usually follow the fainting…
fits of persons of higher degree。 She pressed him for further explanations；
which he gave； and to which she listened with a great deal of calmness；
nor did many tears； sobs； sighs； or exclamations of sorrow or anger escape
from her： only when the Corporal was taking his leave； and said to her
point…blank；〃 Well； Mrs。 Catherine； and what do you intend to do？〃 she
did not reply a word； but gave a look which made him exclaim； on leaving
the room；
〃By heavens！ the woman means murder！ I would not be the
Holofernes to lie by the side of such a Judith as thatnot I！〃 And he went
his way； immersed in deep thought。 When the Captain returned at night；
she did not speak to him； and when he swore at her for being sulky； she
only said she had a headache； and was dreadfully ill； with which excuse
Gustavus Adolphus seemed satisfied； and left her to herself。
He saw her the next morning for a moment： he was going a…shooting。
Catherine had no friend； as is usual in tragedies and romances；no
mysterious sorceress of her acquaintance to whom she could apply for
poison；so she went simply to the apothecaries； pretending at each that
she had a dreadful toothache； and procuring from them as much laudanum
as she thought would suit her purpose。
When she went home again she seemed almost gay。 Mr。 Brock
complimented her upon the alteration in her appearance； and she was
enabled to receive the Captain at his return from shooting in such a
manner as made him remark that she had got rid of her sulks of the
morning； and might sup with them； if she chose to keep her good… humour。
The supper was got ready； and the gentlemen had the punch…bowl when
the cloth was cleared；Mrs。 Catherine； with her delicate hands； preparing
the liquor。
It is useless to describe the conversation that took place； or to reckon
the number of bowls that were emptied； or to tell how Mr。 Trippet； who
was one of the guests； and declined to play at cards when some of the
others began； chose to remain by Mrs。 Catherine's side； and make violent
love to her。 All this might be told； and the account； however faithful；
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Catherine： A Story
would not be very pleasing。 No； indeed！ And here； though we are only in
the third chapter of this history； we feel almost sick of the characters that
appear in it； and the adventures which they are called upon to go through。
But how can we help ourselves？ The public will hear of nothing but
rogues； and the only way in which poor authors； who must live； can act
honestly by the public and themselves； is to paint such thieves as they are：
not； dandy； poetical； rose…water thieves； but real downright scoundrels；
leading scoundrelly lives； drunken； profligate； dissolute； low； as
scoundrels will be。 They don't quote Plato； like Eugene Aram； or live like
gentlemen； and sing the pleasantest ballads in the world； like jolly Dick
Turpin； or prate eternally about 〃to kalon；〃* like that precious canting
Maltravers； whom we all of us have read about and pitied； or die
whitewashed saints； like poor 〃Biss Dadsy〃 in 〃Oliver Twist。〃 No； my dear
madam； you and your daughters have no right to admire and sympathise
with any such persons； fictitious or real： you ought to be made cordially to
detest； scorn； loathe； abhor； and abominate all people of this kidney。 Men
of genius like those whose works we have above alluded to； have no
business to make these characters interesting or agreeable； to be feeding
your morbid fancies； or indulging their own； with such monstrous food。
For our parts； young ladies； we beg you to bottle up your tears； and not
waste a single drop of them on any one of the heroes or heroines in this
history： they are all rascals； every soul of them； and behave 〃as sich。〃
Keep your sympathy for those who deserve it： don't carry it； for preference；
to the Old Bailey； and grow maudlin over the company assembled there。
* Anglicised version of the author's original Greek text。
Just； then； have the kindness to fancy that the conversation which took
place over the bowls of punch which Mrs。 Catherine prepared； was such as
might be expected to take place where the host was a dissolute； dare…devil；
libertine captain of dragoons； the guests for the most part of the same class；
and the hostess a young woman originally from a country alehouse； and
for the present mistress to the entertainer of the society。 They talked； and
they drank； and they grew tipsy； and very little worth hearing occurred
during the course of the whole evening。 Mr。 Brock officiated； half as the
servant； half as the companion of the society。 Mr。 Thomas Trippet made
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violent love to Mrs。 Catherine； while her lord and master was playing at
dice with the other gentlemen： and on this night； strange to say； the
Captain's fortune seemed to desert him。 The Warwickshire Squire； from
whom he had won so much； had an amazing run of good luck。 The
Captain called perpetually for more drink； and higher stakes；