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Then one night I woke with her sleeping beside me。 We slept often on the floor； which she preferred to the bed。 Beds； she said； reminded her of marriage。 Anyway； that night she was lying under a quilt on the carpet of my room； and I； simply out of adoration； was watching her face in sleep。
If one has given oneself utterly； watching the beloved sleep can be a vile experience。 Perhaps some of you have known that paralysis； staring down at features closed to your enquiry； locked away from you where you can never； ever go； into the other's mind。 As I say； for us who have given ourselves； that is a horror。 One knows； in those moments； that one does not exist； except in relation to that face； that personality。 Therefore； when that face is closed down； that personality is lost in its own unknowable world； one feels pletely without purpose。 A planet without a sun； revolving in darkness。
That's how I felt that night； looking down at her extraordinary features； and as I chewed on my soullessness； her face began to alter。 She was clearly dreaming； but what dreams must she have been having。 Her very fabric was on the move； her muscle； her hair； the down on her cheek moving to the dictates of some internal tide。 Her lips bloomed from her bone； boiling up into a slavering tower of skin； her hair swirled around her head as though she were lying in water； the substance of her cheeks formed furrows and ridges like the ritual scars on a warrior； inflamed and throbbing patterns of tissue； swelling up and changing again even as a pattern formed。 This fluxion was a terror to me； and I must have made some noise。 She didn't wake； but came a little closer to the surface of sleep； leaving the deeper waters where these powers were sourced。 The patterns sank away in an instant； and her face was again that of a gently sleeping woman。
That was； you can understand； a pivotal experience； even though I spent the next few days trying to convince myself that I hadn't seen it。
The effort was useless。 I knew there was something wrong with her； and at that time I was certain she knew nothing about it。 I was convinced that something in her system was awry； and that I was best to investigate her history before I told her what I had seen。
On reflection； of course； that seems laughably naive。 To think she wouldn't have known that she contained such a power。 But it was easier for me to picture her as prey to such skill； than mistress of it。 That's a man speaking of a woman； not just me； Oliver Vassi； of her； Jacqueline Ess。 We cannot believe； we men； that power will ever reside happily in the body of a woman； unless that power is a male child。 Not true power。 The power must be in male hands； God…given。 That's what our fathers tell us； idiots that they are。
Anyway； I investigated Jacqueline； as surreptitiously as could。 I had a contact in York where the couple had lived； and it wasn't difficult to get some enquiries moving。 It took a week for my contact to get back to me； because he'd had to cut through a good deal of shit from the police to get a hint of the truth； but the news came； and it was bad。 Ben was dead； that much was true。 But there was no way he had died of cancer。 My contact had only got the vaguest clues as to the condition of Ben's corpse； but he gathered it had been spectacularly mutilated。 And the prime suspect？ My beloved Jacqueline Ess。 The same innocent woman who was occupying my flat； sleeping by my side every night。
So； I put it to her that she was hiding something from me。 I don't know what I was expecting in return。 What I got was a demonstration of her power。 She gave it freely； without malice； but I would have been a fool not to have read a warning into it。 She told me first how she had discovered her unique control over the sum and substance of human beings。 In her despair； she said； when she was on the verge of killing herself； she had found； in the very deep…water trenches of her nature； faculties she had never known existed。 Powers which came up out of those regions as she recovered； like fish to the light。
Then she showed me the smallest measure of these powers； plucking hairs from my head； one by one。 Only a dozen； just to demonstrate her formidable skills。 I felt them going。 She just said： one from behind your ear； and I'd feel my skin creep and then jump as fingers of her volition snatched a hair out。 Then another； and another。 It was an incredible display； she had this power down to a fine art； locating and withdrawing single hairs from my scalp with the precision of tweezers。
Frankly； I was sitting there rigid with fear； knowing that she was just toying with me。 Sooner or later； I was certain the time would be right for her to silence me permanently。
But she had doubts about herself。 She told me how the skill； though she had honed it； scared her。 She needed； she said； someone to teach her how to use it best。 And I was not that somebody。 I was just a man who loved her； who had loved her before this revelation； and would love her still； in spite of it。
In fact； after that display I quickly came to acmodate a new vision of Jacqueline。 Instead of fearing her； I became more devoted to this woman who tolerated my possession of her body。
My work became an irritation； a distraction that came between me and thinking of my beloved。 What reputation I had began to deteriorate； I lost briefs； I lost credibility。 In the space of two or three months my professional life dwindled away to almost nothing。 Friends despaired of me； colleagues avoided me。
It wasn't that she was feeding on me。 I want to be clear about that。 She was no lamia； no succubus。 What happened to me； my fall from grace with ordinary life if you like； was of my own making。 She didn't bewitch me； that's a romantic lie to excuse rape。 She was a sea： and I had to swim in her。 Does that make any sense？ I'd lived my life on the shore； in the solid world of law； and I was tired of it。 She was liquid； a boundless sea in a single body； a deluge in a small room； and I will gladly drown in her； if she grants me the chance。 But that was my decision。 Understand that。 This has always been my decision。 I have decided to go to the room tonight； and be with her one final time。 That is of my own free will。
And what man would not？ She was （is） sublime。
For a month after that demonstration of power I lived in a permanent ecstasy of her。 When I was with her she showed me ways to love beyond the limits of any other creature on God's earth。 I say beyond the limits： with her there were no limits。 And when I was away from her the reverie continued： because she seemed to have changed my world。
Then she left me。
I knew why： she'd gone to find someone to teach her how to use strength。 But understanding her reasons made it no easier。
I broke down： lost my job； lost my identity； lost the few friends I had left in the world。 I scarcely noticed。 They were minor losses； beside the loss of Jacqueline。 。 。'
'Jacqueline。'
My God； she thought； can this really be the most influential man in the country？ He looked so unpre…possessing； so very unspectacular。 His chin wasn't even strong。
But Titus Penifer was power。
He ran more monopolies than he could count； his word in the financial world could break panies like sticks； destroying the ambitions of hundreds； the careers of thousands。 Fortunes were made overnight in his shadow； entire corporations fell when he blew on them； casualties of his whim。 This man knew power if any man knew it。 He had to be learned from。
'You wouldn't mind if I called you J。； would you？'
'No。'
'Have you been waiting long？'
'Long enough。'
'I don't normally leave beautiful women waiting。'
'Yes you do。'
She knew him already： two minutes in his presence was enough to find his measure。 He would e quickest to her if she was quietly insolent。
'Do you always call women you've never met before by their initials？'
'It's convenient for filing； do you mind？' 'It depends。'
'On what？'
'What I get in return for giving you the privilege。'
'It's a privilege； is it； to know your name？'
'Yes。'
'Well。 。 。 I'm flattered。 Unless of course you grant that privilege widely？'
She shook her head。 No； he could see she wasn't profligate with her affections。
'Why have you waited so long to see me？' he said。 'Why have I had reports of your wearing my secretaries down with your constant demands to meet with me？ Do you want money？ Because if you do you'll go away empty…handed。 I became rich by being mean； and the richer I get； the meaner I bee。'
The remark was truth； he spoke it plainly。
'I don't want money；' she said； equally plainly。
'That's refreshing。'
'There's richer than you。'
He raised his eyebrows in surprise。 She could bite； this beauty。
'True；' he said。 There were at least half a dozen richer men in the hemisphere。
'I'm not an adoring little nobody。 I haven't e here to screw a name。 I've e here because we can be together。 We have a great deal to offer each other。'
'Such as？' he said。
'I have my body。'
He smiled。 It was the straightest offer he'd heard in years。
'And what do I offer you in return for such largesse？'
'I want to learn …'
'Learn？'
'… how to use power。'