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n。 She said； trying to clear her mind of its disturbing emotional clutter； 〃How smug you are。 You think you know just what you are and what you're doing。 You run your little school secure in the thought that you're preserving a better place in the state for women。 But the truth is； you're blind。
〃You're part of the system； and； in a sense； you're worse than the KGB。 Everyone knows what the KGB is and what it does。 It's no secret。 But you are one thing while pretending to be another。 You perpetuate the system by telling your students how well off they are now； how grateful to the state they must be for their new； improved status。 But what really is your message？ Don't plain； be happy； do as you're told。 Look how well…off you are。 Look how free。 It's bullshit！〃
〃You must want to leave my class； then；〃 Natasha said； finishing off her tea。
〃No； I don't。 I can put up with the bullshit； just as long as I learn how to act。〃
〃It seems to me；〃 Natasha Mayakova said as the drinks and food were served； 〃that you won't need many lessons。〃
They ate in silence for some time。 Irina was acutely aware of the tourists； especially their clothes； which she loved to look at and longed to wear。 In Boston； in a lingerie store； she had tried on a silk Charmeuse teddy； and had almost passed out from the erotic sensation of the divine material gliding against her flesh。 She shot a clandestine glance at Natasha。 How she wished she could share her decadent memory with someone。 Her whole mind ached to open itself up； to let the secrets piling up inside spill out； to share； to share。
〃In acting；〃 Natasha said softly； 〃we learn to dissect the different personality types found in lead and secondary roles。 You have proved tonight that you already possess that talent。〃
She said it in such a way that Irina found herself saying； 〃I'm sorry；〃 when she knew she could not possibly mean it。
〃Don't be；〃 Natasha said。 She wiped her lips on a paper cocktail napkin。 〃I imagine I deserved it。 I haven't been carved up as skillfully since my own first weeks in acting class。 I had an instructor who was a marvelous actor； but he was an absolute ogre in the classroom。 I worshiped him； and nearly died of delight when he accepted me into his class。 From then on I burst into tears in front of him more often than not。 I used to lie awake at night； replaying his murderous criticisms； miserable as could be。 I could hear his rantings echoing in my dreams。 His words stalked me like an apparition； until all I could think about was making him stop。〃
〃Did you？〃 Irina asked。
〃Yes。 I became an acplished actor。〃 Natasha ordered more vodka。 〃That's all he ever wanted from me。 He saw in me…as opposed to the majority of his other students…a potential for greatness。 Those are his words； not mine。 He made certain I lived up to that potential。〃
〃By making you miserable？〃
〃By forcing me to look inside myself； to find that potential and mine it for the precious ore he knew was there。〃 Natasha paused while the empty glasses were replaced。 〃You see； Katya； I was an orphan。 I was brought up in a state institution and I had inside of me a ball of ice； a rage against an unknown source。 Did my parents die or had they abandoned me？ I had no idea。 Either way I hated them； because they had rejected me。 Their memory lived inside me like a living thing； a malignant growth； eating at me。
〃Where did I e from？ My mother； my father。 My grandparents。 Most people know。 It seems； in fact； such an elementary bit of knowledge that nobody thinks of it； it's taken for granted。 For me it was like walking around with a wound that never healed； a chunk of flesh that was forever gone； for which no one could ever provide an adequate prosthesis。 I was different； an outsider。 I was always aware of this； but never more painfully so than during holidays when families reunited； drank and ate together； rubbed elbows； laughed and told stories。〃 Natasha was focused on something inside herself； and her irises had gone very dark。 〃I remember； I remember 。。。 An actor's curse； to remember everything。〃 She touched her finger to the vodka。 〃When I was growing up； more than anything else I wanted someone to tuck me in at night； a mother to sing me a lullaby that she had learned at her mother's knee； a father to tell me stories of wolves and goblins； elves and princes。〃
Natasha pushed her vodka away with such violence that it spilled across the table。 〃Leave it；〃 she said when Irina moved to mop it up。 She sucked the liquor off her finger。 〃It's important to know it's still there…like memory。〃
There was a murderous look in her eyes； and Irina was abruptly concerned。 Strange！ How different people could be from how you imagined them。 Natasha had seemed so content on Valeri's arm； so in mand on stage。 And yet here she was； on the verge of tears； admitting to being lonely and miserable。 For a moment Irina forgot her own hate； a mask dropped away and she leaned forward。 〃Are you all right？〃
〃What makes you think I'm not？〃 Natasha snapped。
〃You look as if you'd like to kill someone。〃
〃That's interesting；〃 Natasha said。 〃That's just how you looked this evening when you were playing Albee's Martha。〃
〃Did I？〃 Irina was shocked。 She shuddered。 And she found herself thinking； My God； is it possible？ I came here to bury this woman； and now I believe that she and I could be friends。 I believe that if I told her how I felt when I was in Boston； she would understand。 She would understand how miserable I've bee here； and she would not immediately report me to the KGB for having treasonous thoughts。 Isn't it funny how despair can unite people？ How utterly odd and mysterious life is sometimes。 〃I believe I'll have another vodka；〃 Irina said softly。
Natasha nodded。 〃I think we ought to make it starka this time。〃 She was speaking of the aged vodka that ran to 120…proof and beyond。
They were on their second glass of starka； still picking over their zakuski； when Natasha said。 〃The truth is； Katya； I watched you playing Martha tonight； and I saw myself。 It was like looking in a mirror； and being able to peer backward through time。 My God； what a shock you gave me！ And I thought： I must get to know this woman。 I have no family； I have no one。 Perhaps； in time； I will have her to wele me at Easter。〃
〃You're not married？〃 Irina asked。 It was not merely that she was interested； as in； Are you married and sleeping with Valeri？ She desperately needed some guidepost。 She was feeling increasingly that being near Natasha Mayakova was like standing on the edge of a quick…following sea。 With each roll of a wave onto the beach； the sand on which she stood was eroded further and further； and without seeming to have moved； she was being propelled away from shore； toward the blue…green deep。
Natasha smiled。 〃The trouble is I was always far too beautiful for my own good。 I attracted men to me like bees to honey。 They came at me； and I was never able to determine whether they saw anything beyond my beauty。 My face； my body； these are the things they responded to。 I knew there was more to me； but did they？ That was the question I never seemed able to answer。〃
Irina said； ''But for someone like you； with no family； I would have thought marrying and creating a family of your own would have been most important。''
〃I think it was because I had no family that I had so much trouble accepting the men who came my way。 You see； I wanted…I needed…everything to be perfect。 What if my husband left me？ What if I felt pelled to leave him？ I suppose the risk of perhaps repeating what my parents had done paralyzed me； made me incapable of being happy or content in a permanent relationship。 I think； when it es right down to it； I have no faith at all in personal relationships between men and women。〃
〃I have to admit that I don't； either；〃 Irina said。 〃Men are such bastards。〃
〃Yet we need them so much。〃 Natasha sighed。 〃I often wonder whether we need them because they are such bastards。'' She laughed； and this time a surprised Irina joined her。
But then； like a prick from a hidden needle； Irina thought of Valeri。 And her insistent memory dredged up the scene of happy； glowing Natasha strolling down Gorky Street with him。 After that first time； Irina had watched； hidden； as they met once or twice a week。 Why was Natasha with him unless they were having an affair？
And Irina thought； Either Natasha is lying to me； or Valeri… powerful； manipulative Valeri…has something on her。 Which was the more likely possibility？ Irina did not have to think twice about it。
Twice a week Mars Volkov emerged from his office； climbed into an official black Chaika； and was driven out of Moscow to Zvezdny Gorodok； Star Town。 This was the ultramodern high…rise plex built to house and train Russia's cosmonauts。
There was surely nothing odd in this oft…repeated journey； since Mars's constituency in the Congress of People's Deputies was all of Moscow； including Zvezdny Gorodok； and Star Town was very important to Moscow in particular and the Soviet Union in general。
In Star Town； Mars did his obligatory movie…star turn； charming everyone： the bureaucrats who ran the mini…city； the technicians who thought they ran it； the theoreticians who tho