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I gave up on the scroll I had been trying to read。 What use now to learn of Elderlings； anyway？ Verity would find whatever Verity found。 I flung myself back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling。 Even still and silent； there was no peace in me。
My link to Verity was like a hook in my flesh； so must a snagged fish feel when it fights the line。 My ties to Nighteyes were on a deeper； more subtle level； but ever he was there as well； green eyes lambent in a dark corner of myself。 These parts of me never slept； never rested； were never quiescent at all。 And that constant strain was beginning to tell on me。
Hours later the candles were guttering and the fire burned low。 A change in the air of my room let me know that Chade had opened his soundless door to me。 I arose and went to him。 But with every step I took up that drafty staircase； my anger grew。 It was not the kind of anger that led to ranting and blows between men。 This was an anger born as much from weariness and frustration as from any hurt。 This was the sort of anger that led a man to stop everything； to say simply； 〃I cannot bear this anymore。〃
〃Cannot bear what？〃 Chade asked me。 He looked up from where he hunched over some concoction he was grinding on his stained stone table。 There was genuine concern in his voice。 It made me really stop and look at the man I addressed。 A tall； skinny old assassin。 Pox…scarred。 Hair gone almost entirely white now。 Wearing the familiar gray wool robe； always with stains or the tiny burns he inflicted on his clothes while he worked。 I wondered how many men he had killed for his king； killed simply at a word or nod from Shrewd。 Killed without question； true to his oath。 For all those deaths； he was a gentle man。 Suddenly I had a question； a question more pressing than answering his question。
〃Chade；〃 I asked； 〃have you ever killed a man for your own sake？〃
He looked startled。 〃For my own sake？〃
〃Yes。
〃To protect my own life？〃
〃Yes。 I don't mean when on the King's business。 I mean killed a man to 。。。 make your life simpler。〃
He snorted。 〃Of course not。〃 He looked at me strangely。
〃Why not？〃 I pressed。
He looked incredulous。 〃One simply does not go about killing people for convenience。 It's wrong。 It's called murder； boy。〃
〃Unless you do it for your king。〃
〃Unless you do it for your king；〃 he agreed easily。
〃Chade。 What's the difference？ If you do it for yourself； or if you do it for Shrewd？〃
He sighed and gave up on the mixture he was making。 He moved around the end of the table； sat on a tall stool there。 〃I remember asking these questions。 But of myself； as my mentor was gone by the time I was your age。〃 He met my eyes firmly。 〃It es down to faith； boy。 Do you believe in your king？ And your king has to be more to you than your half brother； or your grandfather。 He has to be more than good old Shrewd； or fine honest Verity。 He has to be the King。 The heart of the kingdom； the center of the wheel。 If he is that； and if you have faith that the Six Duchies are worth preserving； that the good of all our people are furthered by dispensing the King's justice； then； well。〃
〃Then you can kill for him。〃
〃Exactly。〃
〃Have you ever killed against your own judgment？〃
〃You have many questions this night；〃 he warned me quietly。
〃Perhaps you have left me alone too long to think of them all。 When we met near nightly； and talked often and I was busy all the time； I did not think so much。 But now I do。〃
He nodded slowly。 〃Thinking is not always 。。。 forting。 It is always good； but not always forting。 Yes。 I've killed against my own judgment。 Again； it came down to faith。 I had to believe that the folk who gave the order knew more than I did； and were wiser in the ways of the wider world。〃
I was silent for a long moment。 Chade started to relax。 〃e in。 Don't stand there in the draft。 Let's have a glass of wine together； and then I need to talk to you about…〃
〃Have you ever killed solely on the basis of your own judgment？ For the good of the kingdom？〃
For a time Chade looked at me； troubled。 I did not look away。 He did； finally； staring down at his old hands； rubbing their papery…white skin against each other as he fingered the brilliant red pocks。 〃I do not make those judgments。〃 He looked up at me suddenly。 〃I never accepted that burden； nor wished to。 It is not our place； boy。 Those decisions are for the King。〃
〃I am not ‘boy；'；〃 I pointed out； surprising myself。 〃I am FitzChivalry。 〃
〃With an emphasis on the Fitz；〃 Chade pointed out harshly。 〃You are the illegitimate get of a man who did not step up to bee king。 He abdicated。 And in that abdication； he set aside from himself the making of judgments。 You are not king； Fitz； nor even the son of a true King。 We are assassins。〃
〃Why do we stand by while the true King is poisoned？〃 I asked bluntly then。 〃I see it； you see it。 He is lured into using herbs that steal his mind and； while he cannot think well； lured to use ones that make him even more foolish。 We know its immediate source； and I suspect its true source。 And yet we watch him dwindle and grow feeble。 Why？ Where is the faith in that？〃
His words cut me like knives。 〃I do not know where your faith is。 I had thought perhaps it would be in me。 That I knew more about it than you did； and that I was loyal to my king。〃
It was my turn to drop my eyes。 After a moment I crossed the room slowly； to the cabinet where Chade kept the wine and the glasses。 I took down a tray and poured two careful glasses from the glass…stoppered bottle。 I took the tray to the small table by the hearth。 As I had for so many years； I seated myself on the hearthstones。 After a moment my master came and took his place in his well…cushioned chair。 He lifted his wineglass from the tray and sipped。
〃This last year has not been an easy time for either of us。〃
〃You have so seldom called me。 And when you do； you are full of secrets。〃 I tried to keep the accusation from my voice； but couldn't quite。
Chade gave a short bark of laughter。 〃And you being such an open spontaneous fellow； that annoys you？〃 He laughed again； ignoring my offended look。 When he had done； he wet his mouth with wine again； then looked at me。 Amusement still danced in his dark eyes。
〃Do not glower at me； boy；〃 he told me。 〃I have not expected anything from you that you have not demanded from me twofold。 And more。 For I have it in my mind that a master has some right to expect faith and trust from his student。〃
〃You do；〃 I said after some moments。 〃And you are right。 I have my secrets as well； and I have expected you to trust that they are honorable ones。 But my secrets do not constrain you as yours do mine。 Every time I visit the King's chambers； I see what Wallace's Smokes and potions are doing to him。 I want to kill Wallace； and restore my king to his wits。 And after that； I want to 。。。 finish the task。 I want to eliminate the source of the poisons。〃
〃You wish to kill me； then？〃
It was like being doused with cold water。 〃You are the source of the poisons Wallace gives to the King？〃 I was sure I had misunderstood。
He nodded slowly。 〃Some of them。 Probably the ones you most object to。〃
My heart was cold and still inside me。 〃But； Chade； why？〃
He looked at me； his lips folded tight。 After a moment he opened his mouth and spoke softly。 〃A King's secrets belong to a King only。 They are not mine to give away； no matter if I think the receiver would keep them safe or not。 But if you would only use your mind as I have trained you； you would know my secrets。 For I have not hidden them from you。 And from my secret； you could deduce much on your own。〃
I turned to poke at the fire behind me。 〃Chade。 I am so weary。 Too weary to play at games。 Cannot you simply tell me？〃
〃Of course I could。 But it would promise my promise to my king。 What I do is bad enough。〃
〃You are splitting hairs over this！〃 I exclaimed angrily。
〃Perhaps； but they are mine to split；〃 he replied with equanimity。
His very calmness infuriated me。 I shook my head violently； put the whole puzzle away from myself for a bit。 〃Why did you summon me tonight？〃 I asked flatly。
There was a shadow of hurt behind the calm in his eyes now。 〃Perhaps just to see you。 Perhaps to forestall your doing something foolish and permanent。 I know that much of what is going on right now distresses you greatly。 I assure you； I share your fears。 But for now； we must continue on our allotted paths。 With faith。 Surely you believe that Verity will return before spring； and put all to rights。〃
〃I don't know；〃 I admitted grudgingly。 〃It shocked me when he set off on this ridiculous quest。 He should have stayed here and continued with his original plan。 By the time he returns； half his kingdom will be beggared or given away； the way Regal is going at things。〃
Chade looked at me levelly。 〃 ‘His' kingdom is still King Shrewd's kingdom。 Remember？ Perhaps he has faith in his father to keep it intact。〃
〃I do not think King Shrewd c