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ear all that。 A woman has not all these ways of loving。
'Now Alex is very fond of me and I protect him from his own innocence。 We are fortable。
'Sebastian is in love with his own childhood。 That will make him very unhappy。 His teddy…bear； his nanny and he is nineteen years old。。。 '
She stirred on her sofa； shifting her weight so that she could look down at the passing boats； and said in fond； mocking tones： 'How good it is to sit in the shade and talk of love；' and then added with a sudden swoop to earth； 'Sebastian drinks too much。'
'I suppose we both do。'
'With you it does not matter。 I have watched you together。 With Sebastian it is different。 He will be a drunkard if someone does not e to stop him。 I have known so many。 Alex was nearly a drunkard when he met me； it is in the blood。 I see it in the way Sebastian drinks。 It is not your way。'
We arrived in London on the day before term began。 On the way from Charing Cross I dropped Sebastian in the forecourt of his mother's house； 'Here is 〃Marchers〃；' he said with a sigh which meant the end of a holiday。 'I won't ask you in； the place is probably full of my family。 We'll meet at Oxford'； I drove across the park to my home。
My father greeted me with； his usual air of mild regret。
'Here today；' he said； 'gone tomorrow。 I seem to see very little of you。 Perhaps it is dull for you here。 How could it be otherwise？ You have enjoyed yourself。'
'Very much。 I went to Venice。'
'Yes。 Yes。 I suppose so。 The weather was fine？' When he went to bed after an evening of silent study； he paused to ask： 'The friend you were so much concerned about； did he die？'
'No。'
'I am very thankful。 You should have written to tell me。 I worried about him so much。'
＇5＇
'IT is typical of Oxford；' I said； 'to start the new year in autumn。'
Everywhere； on cobble and gravel and lawn； the leaves were falling and in the college gardens the smoke of the bonfires joined the wet river mist； drifting across the grey walls； the flags were oily underfoot and as； one by one； the lamps were lit in the windows round the quad； the golden lights were diffuse and remote； new figures in new gowns wandered through the twilight under the arches and the familiar bells now spoke of a year's memories。
The autumnal mood possessed us both as though the riotous exuberance of June had died with the gillyflowers whose scent at my windows now yielded to the damp leaves； smouldering in a corner of the quad。
It was the first Sunday evening of term。
'I feel precisely one hundred years old；' said Sebastian。
He had e up the night before； a day earlier than I； and this was our first meeting since we parted in the taxi。
'I've had a talking to from Mgr Bell this afternoon。 That makes the fourth since I came up … my tutor； the junior dean； Mr Samgrass of All Souls； and now Mgr Bell。'
'Who is Mr Samgrass of All Souls？'
'Just someone of mummy's。 They all say that I made a very bad start last year； that I have been noticed； and that if I don't mend my ways I shall get sent down。 How does one mend one's ways？ I suppose one joins the League of Nations Union； and reads the Isis every week； and drinks coffee in the morning at the Cadena caf？ and smokes a great pipe and plays hockey and goes out to tea on Boar's Hill and to lectures at Keble； and rides a bicycle with a little tray full of notebooks and drinks cocoa in the evening and discusses sex seriously。 Oh； Charles； what has happened since last term？ I feel so old。'
'I feel middle…aged。 That is infinitely worse。 I believe we have had all the fun we can expect here。'
We sat silent in the firelight as darkness fell。
'Anthony Blanche has gone down。'
'Why？'
'He wrote to me。 Apparently he's taken a flat in Munich … he has formed an attachment to a policeman there。'
'I shall miss him。'
'I suppose I shall； too； in a way。'
We fell silent again and sat so still in the firelight that a man who came in to see me； stood for a moment in the door and then went away thinking the room empty。
'This is no way to start a new year；' said Sebastian； but this sombre October evening seemed to breathe its chill； moist air over the succeeding…weeks。 All that term and all that year Sebastian and I lived more and more in the shadows and； like a fetish； hidden first from the missionary and at length forgotten； the toy bear； Aloysius； sat unregarded on the chest…of…drawers in Sebastian's bedroom。
There was a change in both of us。 We had lost the sense of discovery which had infused the anarchy of our first year。 I began to settle down。
Unexpectedly； I missed my cousin Jasper； who had got his first in Greats and was now cumbrously setting about a life of public mischief in London； I needed him to shock； without that massive presence the college seemed to lack solidity； it no longer provoked and gave point to outrage as it had done in the summer。 Moreover； I had e back glutted and a little chastened； with the resolve to go slow。 Never again would I expose myself to my father's humour； his whimsical persecution had convinced me； as no rebuke could have done； of the folly of living beyond my means。 I had had no talking…to this term； my success in History Previous and a beta minus in one of my Collections papers had put me on easy terms with my tutor which I managed to maintain without undue effort。
I kept a tenuous connection with the History School； wrote my two essays a week； and attended an occasional lecture。 Besides this I started my second year by joining the Ruskin School of Art； two or three mornings a week we melt； about a dozen of us … half； at least； the daughters of north Oxford among the casts from the antique at the Ashmolean Museum； twice a week we drew from the nude in a small room over a teashop； some pains were taken by the authorities to exclude any hint of lubricity on these evenings； and the young woman who sat to us was brought from London for the day and not allowed to reside in the University city； one flank； that nearer the oil stove； I remember； was always rosy and the other mottled and puckered as though it had been plucked。 There； in the smell of the oil lamp； we sat astride the donkey stools and evoked a barely visible wraith of Trilby。 My drawings were worthless； in my own rooms I designed elaborate little pastiches； some of which； preserved by friends of the period； e to light occasionally to embarrass me。
We were instructed by a man of about my age； who treated us with defensive hostility； he wore very dark blue shirts； a lemon…yellow tie； and horn…rimmed glasses； and it was largely by reason of this warning that I modified my own style of dress until it approximated to what my cousin jasper would have thought suitable for country…house visiting。 Thus soberly dressed and happily employed I became a fairly respectable member of my college。
With Sebastian it was different。 His year of anarchy had filled a deep； interior need of his； the escape from reality； and as he found himself increasingly hemmed in； where he once felt himself free； he became at times listless and morose； even with me。
We kept very much to our own pany that term； each so much bound up in the other that we did not look elsewhere for friends。 My cousin Jasper had told me that it was normal to spend one's second year shaking off the friends of one's first； and it happened as he said。 Most of my friends were those I had made through Sebastian； together we shed them and made no others。 There was no renunciation。 At first we seemed to see them as often as ever； we went to parties but gave few of our own。 I was not concerned to impress the new freshmen who； like their London sisters were here being launched in Society； there were strange faces now at every party and I； who a few months back had been voracious of new acquaintances； now felt surfeited； even our small circle of intimates； so lively in the summer sunshine； seemed dimmed and muted now in the pervading fog； the river…borne twilight that softened and obscured all that year for me。 Anthony Blanche had taken something away with him when he went； he had locked a door and hung the key on his chain； and all his friends； among whom he had always been a stranger； needed him now。
The Charity matin閑 was over； I felt； the impresario had buttoned his astrakhan coat and taken his fee and the disconsolate ladies of the pany were without a leader。 Without him they forgot their cues and garbled their lines； they needed him to ring the curtain up at the right moment； they needed him to direct the lime…lights they needed his whisper in the wings； and his imperious eye on the leader of the band； without him there were no photographers from the weekly press； no prearranged goodwill and expectation of pleasure。 No stronger bond held them together than mon service； now the gold lace and velvet were packed away and returned to the costumier and the drab uniform of the day put on in its stead。 For a few happy hours of rehearsal； for a few ecstatic minutes of performance； they had played splendid parts； their own great ancestors； the famous paintings they were thought to resemble； now it was over and in the bleak light of da