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can the silence and the safety to talk and to be heard。
His voice dropped soft； softer； until I had to lean my face over his to hear turn。 〃They chained me down； and I knew the script。 I knew what was about to happen； and I was excited。 The fear made the anticipation almost unbearable。〃
I laid my cheek against his； felt his mouth move as he spoke； and I kept very； very quiet。 I had nothing to offer but my silence； and my touch。
He whispered； 〃I like teeth； biting； I like a lot of damage。 It was wonderful until 。。。 〃 He closed his eyes； turned his face into my jeans； as if even now he couldn't look at the memory。 I had lifted my head up when he moved； but laid a gentle kiss on the back of his head。 〃It's okay； Nathaniel； it's okay。〃
He said something； but I couldn't understand it。
〃What？〃
He moved his head just enough so that his mouth wasn't buried against my leg。 〃God； it hurt。 She took it in pieces； wanted it to last longer than it had with Gregory。〃
His whole body gave one great shiver； and I leaned over him； my free hand across his back； smoothing the hair away so I could reach his skin。 I stroked over his back； and found all the little bite marks I'd left in his skin。 I hadn't felt bad for marking him； until now。 Now I felt like I'd used him like everyone else had。
I curled my body over his； hugging him into my lap； holding him as close as I could。 〃I am sorry； Nathaniel； so sorry。〃
〃You don't have anything to be sorry about； Anita。 You've never hurt me。〃
〃Yes； I have。〃
He raised up enough to meet my eyes。 He looked so young； eyes wide。 〃I love that you've marked me； don't be sorry about that。〃 He gave a small smile。 〃If you start feeling guilty about it； you won't do it again； and I want you to； I want that very much。〃
〃If I feed on you； Nathaniel； for the ardeur； or the flesh； or whatever； I'm using you。 I don't use people。〃
He held my hand so tight that it almost hurt。 〃Don't do this to me。〃
〃Do what？〃
〃Don't punish me for telling you about how Raina hurt me。〃
〃I'm not punishing you。〃
〃I tell you this horrible thing； and you start feeling protective of me； and guilty。 I know you； Anita； you'll let your head get in the way of what we both need。〃
〃And what exactly is that？〃 And even I could hear the impatience； almost anger； in my voice。
He raised up farther； bringing his face close to mine； because I'd sat up； distancing myself from him。 〃You need to feed the ardeur； and I need to have a place to belong。〃
〃You are wele in my house as long as you need it； Nathaniel。〃
He shook his head； pushing the hair back impatiently； letting go of my hand； putting his hands on my knees； half…crawling under the table so that he was kneeling between my legs； though only his hands touched the tops of my knees。 He stared up at me。 〃No； you tolerate me。 I do some housework； errands； but I don't belong。 You don't go through your day thinking about me。 I'm here； but I'm not part of your life； I know that。 If I am your pomme de sang； then I will be。 I'll finally belong to you in a way that both of us can live with。〃
I shook my head。 〃No； Nathaniel； no。〃
He grabbed the legs of the chair and picked the entire thing up with me on it from a kneeling position and moved it backwards with a bump； so he could fit under the table better。 He hadn't even strained when he did it。 He put his hands on the chair arms； slid his lower body against the chair； putting my knees on either side of his hips。
〃And who else are you going to feed off of every day？ Richard？ Jean…Claude？ Micah？〃
〃The ardeur may be temporary；〃 I said。
He put a hand on either side of my waist。 〃If it's temporary； then feed on me until it goes away。 If it's permanent 。。。 〃
〃I don't want to feed on anyone。〃
His hands slid around my waist； his head going to my lap； and I realized he was crying。 〃Please； don't do this； Anita； please don't do this。〃
I stroked his hair； his face； and didn't know what to say。 What was I going to do if the ardeur was permanent？ Richard didn't let anyone feed off of him for any reason same rule I had。 Jean…Claude would be literally dead to the world when I most needed to feed。 Micah was still a question mark。 But in some ways； feeding off of Nathaniel because he was the only one that would let me； was almost worse。
I lifted his face from my lap； a hand on either side。 Tears glittered on his cheeks in the faint light。 I kissed his forehead； kissed his closed eyes； the way you would a child's。
〃Did I get here just in time； or am I interrupting？〃 It was Richard standing in the doorway。 Perfect fucking timing； as always。
33
I FROZE WITH Nathaniel's face cradled in my hands； him kneeling between my legs with the table hiding most of him； having just risen from kissing him； and knew how it looked。 I wasn't sure I could explain it to Richard's satisfaction。 To my knowledge Richard didn't know about the ardeur yet； and right then I didn't want to tell him。
I laid another gentle kiss on Nathaniel's forehead and leaned back。 I wasn't going to act like I'd done something wrong when I hadn't。 Nathaniel took his cue from me； laying his head back in my lap； which I realized meant he was invisible from the doorway； the table hiding what he was doing。
Richard strode into the kitchen like an angry wind； his power biting along my skin。 He came to stand where he could see that Nathaniel had his cheek against my thigh； gazing up at the larger man； as he towered over both of us。
Jamil and Shang…Da were hanging back by the doorway。 They were good bodyguards； but some things bodyguards can't keep you safe from。
I felt my face go neutral； empty； vaguely pleasant。 〃I was forting one of my leopards； something wrong with that？〃
〃He looks very fortable；〃 Richard said； voice mild enough； but his power was hot； like opening the door to an oven。
I licked my lips。 I was going to have to explain the ardeur； sooner or later； and since I wanted him to help us save Gregory； tonight was probably the right time。 〃Nathaniel and I were discussing some side effects of marrying the vampire marks。〃
〃You mean the ardeur；〃 he said。
I was surprised and let it show。 〃Who told you？〃
〃Jean…Claude thought I should know。 He encouraged me to e over and be here for you in the morning。〃
〃And you said？〃 I kept my voice as neutral as I could； but not as neutral as I wanted it to be。
〃I don't let him； or Asher； or any of them； feed off of me； blood or anything else。 I don't see why I should change that rule just because it's you and it's sex instead of blood。〃
〃Did he explain that if I don't feed off of you； or him； I still have to feed off of someone？〃
〃There's always your Nimir…Raj。〃 The contempt in his voice was thick enough to walk on。
〃Micah's been called away on pard business。〃
〃You really think he won't be back before morning so you can fuck him？ I do。〃
I stared up at him； still sitting in the face of his burning power and the sheer physical presence of him。 Richard was one of those big men who never seemed big unless he was angry。 He seemed big now； and I wasn't impressed。
I started petting Nathaniel's hair； and he snuggled in against my legs； letting the tension ease out of his body。 〃You dumped me； remember？〃
〃And did you fuck him for the first time before or after you found out I'd dumped you？〃
I had to think about that for a second or two。 〃After；〃 I said。
〃You mourned my loss for； what； half a second？〃
I felt heat crawl up my face。 I was out of moral high ground； and explaining that it was the ardeur just wasn't good enough for Richard。
〃It took all three of us to get into this mess； don't make it worse。〃
〃Don't you mean four of us； or is it five now？〃
I must have looked as blank as I felt。 〃I don't know what you're talking about。〃
He grabbed the table and shoved it backwards with a scream of wood on wood。 Nathaniel stayed curled around my legs and just looked up at him。 I'd never gotten my gun back from the wererats。 I had gotten my knives back； but I wasn't really willing to cut Richard up； not yet； not for this。 I couldn't arm wrestle Richard； not and win； so really my only option was to sit； look perfectly calm； and tell him by my facial expression what a fucking asshole he was being。
He shoved the table again； making the wood scream； then he knelt beside Nathaniel and pushed his long hair back。 He bared his back and stared at the bite marks。
〃Is that all？〃 he asked； voice fierce； his power so high it was like treading in boiling water； up to my chin； and still rising。
〃No；〃 I said。
Richard gripped the back of Nathaniel's shorts and pulled； the movement so violent that Nathaniel's entire body moved with it。 I heard the button from the top of the shorts bounce along the floor。 Richard jerked down the shorts and stared at the bite marks； where they trailed ever lower。
Richard leaned over Nathaniel； not quite touching； but he was like some huge presence； and I felt Nathaniel cower against me。
Richard hissed into his ear； 〃Did she suck you off？ She's good at that。〃
〃That's enough； Richard。〃
Nathaniel answered； 〃No。〃
〃You're so scared of me I can't tell if you're lying or not。〃 He grabbed a handful of Nathaniel's