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I just stared at him。 〃No。 No； I would never 。。。 〃
He touched my mouth with his fingertip。 〃Ma petite； if you have not found my memories of my first days with this inside my body； then it is a blessing。 I was a wanton thing before I became a vampire。 But what I did when the desire first fell upon me 。。。 The desire did not hit me at once； because I craved blood first； then when that quieted； the desire rose inside me。〃 He took my hands in his； pressed them against the cool flesh of his chest。 〃I did things； ma petite； things that even to a hardened libertine were humiliating。 A look； a glance； and it was enough to bring me to them。〃
〃Didn't Belle Morte try to protect you？〃
〃I did not meet Belle until I had been dead nearly five years。〃
I stared at him。 〃I thought Belle was your； whatever； that she made you into a vamp。〃
〃Lissette was my creator。 She was of Belle's line； but not a master vampire； not by any stretch of the definition。 In France it is customary that every kiss of vampires has at least one vampire belonging to each of the council bloodlines。 Lissette was the only one of her kind in a nest descended mostly of far less pleasant vampires。 Julian was her Master of the City； and he was my first true master。 He brought in people for me； but not people I would have chosen。 He brought in 。。。 〃 Jean…Claude shook his head。 〃He amused himself at my expense； because he knew I would take whatever he offered； because I would have no choice。 I thought I had no room for embarrassment； but he taught me that there were things I did not want to do； and I did them anyway。〃
I think if he hadn't been shielding so strongly that I would have seen what he was remembering； but he didn't want me to see。
〃Let me spare you such degradation； ma petite。 You are not as I was。 You have never given yourself freely。 I fear what you would do； or think of yourself； if you did these things。 I do not think your sense of yourself would survive intact。〃
〃You're scaring me；〃 I said。
〃Good； you should be frightened。 Asher met me before I had mastered the ardeur。 He can tell you what I was like then。〃
I just looked at Asher。
〃I had seen the ardeur rise in others before Jean…Claude； and I have watched it since； but I have never seen anyone so crazed by it；〃 said Asher。
〃So you helped him learn how to control the ardeur。〃
〃Non。 Lissette sent to Belle； telling her of Jean…Claude's beauty。 I was sent to； how would you say； look him over for Belle。 I advised Belle not to bring Jean…Claude and his master to court。〃
〃Why？〃 I asked。
〃I was jealous of his beauty and his prowess。 After ten years she was bored with me； or so I feared。 And I did not wish the petition。〃
〃I learned to control the ardeur without the aid of another who had experienced it。 For five years I fed on flesh as I fed on blood。 Only then did I master the ability to feed from a distance。〃
〃Five years！〃 I said。
〃Belle taught me true control of the ardeur； and I was not hers until I had been dead five years。 But I will be there for you from the beginning。 It will not be as it was for me。〃 Jean…Claude hugged me against him； and that scared me more。 〃I would never have married the marks with you if I had thought you could inherit my incubus。 I would not knowingly have done this to you。〃
I pushed away from him and found him crying； and the fear sat like stale metal on my tongue。 I was so scared my body went quiet； not racing； but almost as if every beat of my body； every breath； had simply stopped； and all there was to fill me was fear。
〃What have you done to me？〃
〃I thought at first that you were not vampire； and it would not be a true hunger。 But watching you today； I know that it is as it was for me。 You must feed。 You must not deny yourself。 To do so is to court madness； or worse。〃
〃No；〃 I said。
〃If you had withstood the Nimir…Raj's advances； then I would say that your strength of will might conquer it。 If you had withstood the desire to feed on Nathaniel； I would say you would master it。 But you fed on him。〃
〃I did not have sex with Nathaniel。〃
〃No。 And wasn't what you did instead more satisfying to some part of you than mere intercourse would have been？〃
I started to say no and stopped。 I could still feel Nathaniel's flesh in my mouth； the touch of his skin under my hands； the taste of his blood on my tongue。 The memory brought the hunger over me in a hot rush。 Not merely the lust； but Jean…Claude's craving for blood； and Richard's beast or my beast wanting to take that last bite and tear flesh for real； no pretending； no holding back。
I had an awful idea。 〃If I deny one hunger all of them grow worse； don't they？〃
〃If I deny the lust； I need more blood； and the reverse is true。〃
〃I don't just have your blood lust； Jean…Claude； I have Richard's beast or mine。 I wanted to tear Nathaniel up。 I wanted to feed on him for real； the way an animal does。 Will that grow worse； too？〃
His face started to slip back into careful； neutral lines。 I grabbed his shoulders； shook him。 〃No！ No more hiding。 Will it grow worse？〃
〃I have no way of knowing for certain。〃
〃No more games！ Will it grow worse？〃
〃I believe so。〃 His voice was very soft as he said it。
I drew back from him； huddled against the headboard； stared at him； waiting for him to say； 〃sorry； just kidding；〃 but he just met my eyes。 I stared at him； because I didn't want to see anyone else's face。 If I saw pity； it might make me cry。 If I saw lust； it'd make me mad。
I finally said； 〃What am I going to do？〃 There was no inflection in my voice； just a dragging tiredness。
〃You will feed； and we will help you。 We will keep you safe。〃
I finally glanced at the others。 Every face was either carefully neutral or； in Nathaniel's case； staring down at the bed； as if he didn't trust me to see his eyes。 Probably smart of him。
〃Fine； but I think we can do better than condoms。〃
〃What do you mean； ma petite'？〃
〃Nathaniel can put his shorts on； and I'll find my jammies。〃
〃I still think 。。。 〃
I held a hand up； and Jean…Claude fell silent。 〃They can put them on underneath their clothes； just in case； but I know that if I tell Nathaniel not to 。。。 that he won't。〃 I frowned at Jason。
〃I'll be good；〃 he said。
〃I am not afraid that Nathaniel will disobey you； ma petite。〃
The tone in his voice turned me from Jason's face to his。 〃What do you mean？〃
〃I am worried that he will indeed do everything you tell him to do。〃
We stared at each other for a long space of my heartbeats。 I understood what he meant now。 It wasn't the boys he didn't trust； it was me。 I would have liked to say； I would never ask them either of them to do that to me； but there was something in Jean…Claude's eyes； some knowledge； some sorrow； that kept me from saying it。
〃How much control am I going to lose？〃 I asked finally。
〃I do not know。〃
〃I'm getting really tired of hearing you say that。〃
〃And I of saying it。〃
I finally asked what I had to ask； 〃What do we do now？〃
〃Our pommes de sang fetch their clothing and yours； and we feed。〃
And as much as I hated it； as much as I wanted to deny it； I knew he was right。 I'd been trying not to be a sociopath because it made me a monster。 I Just hadn't known what I was saying。 I needed to feed off humans； lust instead of blood and flesh； but it was still feeding。 Being a sociopath was beginning not to sound so bad。
18
SOMEWHERE DURING THE dressing process I came to my senses。 I stayed up against the headboard； Asher's robe belted securely over the red pajamas； my face averted； forehead pressed to the wood。 Control was the heart of who I thought I was。 I could do this； or rather not do this。 I had to try and let this pass me by； because to do anything else 。。。 I could not do this。
The bed moved； and just the sensation of the men moving around on the bed was enough to tighten my body； speed my pulse。 Dear God； help me。 This couldn't be happening。 I'd feared ending up as a vampire。 I'd e close many times； but I'd never thought it would happen like this。 I was still alive； still human； but the hunger rose inside me like some great beast trying to dig its way out of me； and all that kept it from surfacing was my fingers digging into the wood； my forehead pressed against the carvings。 I wasn't sure which hunger I was fighting。 But the ardeur colored all of it； whether I was craving flesh； or blood； the sex was there in all of it。 I couldn't separate them； and that was scary all on its own。
I felt someone crawling towards me； and I knew without looking that it was Jean…Claude。 I could just feel him。
〃Ma petite； all is prepared； we need only you。〃
I spoke with my face still pressed into the wood； my fingers clinging to it。 〃Well； then you'll just have to do without。〃
I felt his hand hovering over my shoulder； and I said； 〃Don't touch me！〃
〃Ma petite； ma petite； I would change this if I could； but I cannot。 We must make the best of what is given us。〃
That made me look at him。 His face was too close； eyes that intense midnight blue； hair a dark glory around his pale face。 I flashed on another face just as pale； just as perfect； with a wealth of black hair； but with eyes a rich brown like dark am