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prying into the august secrets of the Deity。
MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP ＇Written about 1867。＇
I am not a private secretary to a senator any more I now。 I held the
berth two months in security and in great cheerfulness of spirit； but my
bread began to return from over the waters thenthat is to say； my works
came back and revealed themselves。 I judged it best to resign。 The way
of it was this。 My employer sent for me one morning tolerably early；
and； as soon as I had finished inserting some conundrums clandestinely
into his last great speech upon finance； I entered the presence。 There
was something portentous in his appearance。 His cravat was untied； his
hair was in a state of disorder； and his countenance bore about it the
signs of a suppressed storm。 He held a package of letters in his tense
grasp； and I knew that the dreaded Pacific mail was in。 He said：
〃I thought you were worthy of confidence。〃
I said； 〃Yes； sir。〃
He said； 〃I gave you a letter from certain of my constituents in the
State of Nevada； asking the establishment of a post…office at Baldwin's
Ranch； and told you to answer it； as ingeniously as you could； with
arguments which should persuade them that there was no real necessity for
as office at that place。
I felt easier。 〃Oh； if that is all； sir； I did do that。〃
〃Yes； you did。 I will read your answer for your own humiliation：
WASHINGTON； Nov。 24
〃Messrs。 Smith； Jones； and others。
〃'GENTLEMEN： What the mischief do you suppose you want with a
post…office at Baldwin's Ranch？ It would not do you any good。
If any letters came there； you couldn't read them； you know； and；
besides； such letters as ought to pass through； with money in them；
for other localities； would not be likely to get through； you must
perceive at once； and that would make trouble for us all。 No； don't
bother about a post…office in your camp。 I have your best interests
at heart； and feel that it would only be an ornamental folly。 What
you want is a nice jail； you knowa nice； substantial jail and a
free school。 These will be a lasting benefit to you。 These will
make you really contented and happy。 I will move in the matter at
once。
〃'Very truly； etc。；
Mark Twain；
〃'For James W。 N； U。 S。 Senator。'
〃That is the way you answered that letter。 Those people say they will
hang me； if I ever enter that district again； and I am perfectly
satisfied they will； too。〃
〃Well； sir； I did not know I was doing any harm。 I only wanted to
convince them。〃
〃Ah。 Well； you did convince them； I make no manner of doubt。 Now； here
is another specimen。 I gave you a petition from certain gentlemen of
Nevada； praying that I would get a bill through Congress incorporating
the Methodist Episcopal Church of the State of Nevada。 I told you to
say； in reply； that the creation of such a law came more properly within
the province of the state legislature； and to endeavor to show them that；
in the present feebleness of the religious element in that new
commonwealth； the expediency of incorporating the church was
questionable。 What did you write？
〃'WASHINGTON； Nov。 24。
〃'Rev。 John Halifax and others。
〃'GENTLEMEN： You will have to go to the state legislature about that
speculation of yoursCongress don't know anything about religion。
But don't you hurry to go there； either； because this thing you
propose to do out in that new country isn't expedientin fact； it
is ridiculous。 Your religious people there are too feeble； in
intellect； in morality； in piety in everything； pretty much。 You
had better drop thisyou can't make it work。 You can't issue stock
on an incorporation like thator if you could； it would only keep
you in trouble all the time。 The other denominations would abuse
it； and 〃bear〃 it； and 〃sell it short；〃 and break it down。 They
would do with it just as they would with one of your silver…mines
out therethey would try to make all the world believe it was
〃wildcat。〃 You ought not to do anything that is calculated to bring
a sacred thing into disrepute。 You ought to be ashamed of
yourselves that is what I think about it。 You close your petition
with the words： 〃And we will ever pray。〃 I think you had better you
need to do it。
〃'Very truly； etc。；
〃'MARK TWAIN；
〃'For James W。 N…； U。 S。 Senator。'
〃That luminous epistle finishes me with the religious element among my
constituents。 But that my political murder might be made sure； some evil
instinct prompted me to hand you this memorial from the grave company of
elders composing the board of aldermen of the city of San Francisco； to
try your hand upon a； memorial praying that the city's right to the
water…lots upon the city front might be established by law of Congress。
I told you this was a dangerous matter to move in。 I told you to write a
non…committal letter to the aldermenan ambiguous lettera letter that
should avoid； as far as possible； all real consideration and discussion
of the water…lot question。 If there is any feeling left in youany
shamesurely this letter you wrote； in obedience to that order； ought to
evoke it； when its words fall upon your ears：
WASHINGTON； Nov。 27
〃'The Honorable Board of Aldermen； etc。
〃'GENTLEMEN： George Washington； the revered Father of his Country；
is dead。 His long and brilliant career is closed； alas！ forever。
He was greatly respected in this section of the country； and his
untimely decease cast a gloom over the whole community。 He died on
the 14th day of December； 1799。 He passed peacefully away from the
scene of his honors and his great achievements； the most lamented
hero and the best beloved that ever earth hath yielded unto Death。
At such a time as this； you speak of water…lots！ what a lot was his！
〃'What is fame！ Fame is an accident。 Sir Isaac Newton discovered
an apple falling to the grounda trivial discovery； truly； and one
which a million men had made before himbut his parents were
influential； and so they tortured that small circumstance into
something wonderful； and； lo！ the simple world took up the shout
and； in almost the twinkling of an eye； that man was famous。
Treasure these thoughts。
〃'Poesy； sweet poesy； who shall estimate what the world owes to
thee！
〃Mary had a little lamb； its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went； the lamb was sure to go。〃
〃Jack and Gill went up the hill
To draw a pail of water；
Jack fell down and broke his crown；
And Gill came tumbling after。〃
〃'For simplicity； elegance of diction； and freedom from immoral
tendencies； I regard those two poems in the light of gems。 They
are suited to all grades of intelligence； to every sphere of life
to the field； to the nursery； to the guild。 Especially should
no Board of Aldermen be without them。
〃'Venerable fossils！ write again。 Nothing improves one so much as
friendly correspondence。 Write againand if there is anything in
this memorial of yours that refers to anything in particular； do
not be backward about explaining it。 We shall always be happy to
hear you chirp。
〃'Very truly； etc。；
〃'MARK TWAIN；
〃'For James W。 N…； U。 S。 Senator。'
〃That is an atrocious； a ruinous epistle！ Distraction！〃
〃Well； sir； I am really sorry if there is anything wrong about itbut
but it appears to me to dodge the water…lot question。〃
〃Dodge the mischief！ Oh！but never mind。 As long as destruction must
come now； let it be complete。 Let it be completelet this last of your
performances； which I am about to read； make a finality of it。 I am a
ruined man。 I had my misgivings when I gave you the letter from
Humboldt； asking that the post route from Indian Gulch to Shakespeare Gap
and intermediate points be changed partly to the old Mormon trail。 But I
told you it was a delicate question； and warned you to deal with it
deftlyto answer it dubiously； and leave them a little in the dark。
And your fatal imbecility impelled you to make this disastrous reply。
I should think you would stop your ears； if you are not dead to all
shame：
〃'WASHINGTON； Nov。 30。
〃'Messes。 Perkins； Wagner； et at。
〃'GENTLEMEN： It is a delicate question about this Indian trail； but；
handled with proper deftness and dubiousness； I doubt not we shall
succeed in some measure or otherwise； because the place where the
route leaves the Lassen Meadows； over beyond where those two Shawnee
chiefs； Dilapidated Vengeance