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Bleak House 957
nothing ever changed； “that I can’t make pretences with her。 I
fluctuate a little； that’s the truth。 Sometimes I hope； my dear； and
sometimes I—don’t quite despair； but nearly。 I get；” said Richard；
relinquishing my hand gently； and walking across the room； “so
tired！”
He took a few turns up and down； and sunk upon the sofa。 “I
get；” he repeated gloomily； “so tired。 It is such weary； weary
work！”
He was leaning on his arm； saying these words in a meditative
voice； and looking at the ground； when my darling rose； put off her
bonnet； kneeled down beside him with her golden hair falling like
sunlight on his head； clasped her two arms round his neck； and
turned her face to me。 O； what a loving and devoted face I saw！
“Esther； dear；” she said very quietly； “I am not going home
again。
A light shone in upon me all at once。
“Never any more。 I am going to stay with my dear husband。 We
have been married above two months。 Go home without me； my
own Esther； I shall never go home any more！” With those words
my darling drew his head down on her breast； and held it there。
And if ever in my life I saw a love that nothing but death could
change； I saw it then before me。
“Speak to Esther； my dearest；” said Richard； breaking the
silence presently。 “Tell her how it was。”
I met her before she could come to me； and folded her in my
arms。 We neither of us spoke； but with her cheek against my own；
I wanted to hear nothing。 “My pet；” said I。 “My love。 My poor； poor
girl！” I pitied her so much。 I was very fond of Richard； but the
impulse that I had upon me was to pity her so much。
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
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Bleak House 958
“Esther； will you forgive me？ Will my cousin John forgive me？”
“My dear；” said I； “to doubt it for a moment； is to do him a great
wrong。 And as to me！”—why； as to me； what had I to forgive！
I dried my sobbing darling’s eyes； and sat beside her on the
sofa； and Richard sat on my other side； and while I was reminded
of that so different night when they had first taken me into their
confidence； and had gone on in their own wild happy way； they
told me between them how it was。
“All I had； was Richard’s；” Ada said； “and Richard would not
take it； Esther； and what could I do but be his wife when I loved
him dearly！”
“And you were so fully and so kindly occupied； excellent Dame
Durden；” said Richard； “that how could we speak to you at such a
time！ And besides； it was not a long…considered step。 We went out
one morning and were married。”
“And when it was done； Esther；” said my darling； “I was always
thinking how to tell you； and what to do for the best。 And
sometimes I thought you ought to know it directly； and sometimes
I thought you ought not to know it and keep it from my cousin
John； and I could not tell what to do； and I fretted very much。”
How selfish I must have been； not to have thought of this
before！ I don’t know what I said now。 I was so sorry； and yet I was
so fond of them； and so glad that they were fond of me； I pitied
them so much； and yet I felt a kind of pride in their loving one
another。 I never had experienced such painful and pleasurable
emotion at one time； and in my own heart I did not know which
predominated。 But I was not there to darken their way； I did not
do that。
When I was less foolish and more composed； my darling took
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
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Bleak House 959
her wedding ring from her bosom； and kissed it and put it on。
Then I remembered last night； and told Richard that ever since
her marriage she had worn it at night when there was no one to
see。 Then Ada blushingly asked me how did I know that； my dear？
Then I told Ada how I had seen her hand concealed under her
pillow； and had little thought why； my dear。 Then they began
telling me how it was； all over again； and I began to be sorry and
glad again； and foolish again； and to hide my plain old face as
much as I could； lest I should put them out of heart。
Thus the time went on； until it became necessary for me to
think of returning。 When that time arrived it was the worst of all；
for then my darling completely broke down。 She clung round my
neck； calling me by every dear name she could think of； and saying
what should she do without me！ Nor was Richard much better；
and as for me I should have been the worst of the three； if I had
not severely said to myself； “Now； Esther； if you do； I’ll never
speak to you again！”
“Why； I declare；” said I； “I never saw such a wife。 I don’t think
she loves her husband at all。 Here； Richard； take my child； for
goodness’ sake。” But I held her tight all the while； and could have
wept over her I don’t know how long。
“I give this dear young couple notice；” said I； “that I am only
going away to come back tomorrow； and that I shall be always
coming backwards and forwards； until Symond’s Inn is tired of the
sight of me。 So I shall not say good…bye； Richard。 For what would
be the use of that； you know； when I am coming back so soon！”
I had given my darling to him now； and I meant to go； but I
lingered for one more look of the precious face； which it seemed to
rive my heart to turn from。
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics
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Bleak House 960
So I said （in a merry bustling manner） that unless they gave me
some encouragement to come back； I was not sure that I could
take that liberty； upon which my dear girl looked up； faintly
smiling through her tears； and I folded her lovely face between my
hands； and gave it one last kiss； and laughed； and ran away。
And when I got downstairs； O how I cried！ It almost seemed to
me that I had lost my Ada for ever。 I was so lonely and so blank
without her； and it was so desolate to be going home with no hope
of seeing her there； that I could get no comfort for a little while； as
I walked up and down in a dim corner； sobbing and crying。
I came to myself by…and…by； after a little scolding； and took a
coach home。 The poor boy whom I had found at St。 Albans had
reappeared a short time before； and was lying at the point of
death； indeed； was then dead； though I did not know it。 My
Guardian had gone out to inquire about him； and did not return to
dinner。 Being quite alone； I cried a little again； though； on the
whole； I don’t think I behaved so very； very ill。
It was only natural that I should not be quite accustomed to the
loss of my darling yet。 Three or four hours were not a long time
after years。 But my mind dwelt so much upon the uncongenial
scene in which I had left her； and I pictured it as such an
overshadowed stony…hearted one； and I so longed to be near her；
and taking some sort of care of her； that I determined to go back in
the evening； only to look up at her windows。
It was foolish； I dare say； but it did not then seem at all so to me；
and it does not seem quite so even now。 I took Charley into my
confidence； and we went out at dusk。 It was dark when we came to
the new strange home of my dear girl； and there was a light
behind the yellow blinds。 We walked past cautiously three or four
Charles Dickens ElecBook Classics