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of the unpleasant result that might follow。 On reflection； however； I
thought it wiser to wait a little and sound his motives first。
〃Before you tell me how I can help you；〃 I said； 〃I want to know one
thing more。 Have you decided in this serious matter entirely by yourself？
Have you taken no advice？〃
〃I don't want advice；〃 he answered sharply。 〃My case admits of no choice。
Even such a nervous undecided creature as I am； can judge for himself
where there is no alternative。〃
〃Did the doctors tell you there was no alternative？〃 I asked。
〃The doctors were afraid to tell me。 I had to force it out of them。 I
said； 'I appeal to your honor to answer a plain question plainly。 Is
there any certain prospect of my getting the better of the fits？' They
only said； 'At your time of life； we may reasonably hope so。' I pressed
them closer：'Can you fix a date to which I may look forward as the date
of my deliverance？' They could neither of them do it。 All they could say
was； 'Our experience justifies us in believing that you will grow out of
it； but it does _not_ justify us in saying when。' 'Then； I may be years
growing out of it？' They were obliged to own that it might be so。 'Or I
may never grow out of it； at all？' They tried to turn the conversation。 I
wouldn't have it。 I said； 'Tell me honestly； is that one of the
possibilities； in my case？' The Dimchurch doctor looked at the London
doctor。 The London man said； 'If you will have it； it is one of the
possibilities。' Just consider the prospect which his answer placed before
me！ Day after day； week after week； month after month； always in danger；
go where I may； of falling down in a fitis that a miserable position？
or is it not？〃
How could I answer him？ What could I say？
He went on：
〃Add to that wretched state of things that I am engaged to be married。
The hardest disappointment which can fall on a man； falls on me。 The
happiness of my life is within my reachand I am forbidden to enjoy it。
It is not only my health that is broken up； my prospects in life are
ruined as well。 The woman I love is a woman forbidden to me while I
suffer as I suffer now。 Realize thatand then fancy you see a man
sitting at this table here； with pen； ink； and paper before him； who has
only to scribble a line or two； and to begin the cure of you from that
moment。 Deliverance in a few months from the horror of the fits； marriage
in a few months to the woman you love。 That heavenly prospect in exchange
for the hellish existence that you are enduring now。 And the one price to
pay for it； a discolored face for the rest of your lifewhich the one
person who is dearest to you will never see？ Would you have hesitated？
When the doctor took up the pen to write the prescriptiontell me； if
you had been in my place； would you have said； No？〃
I still sat silent。 My obstinacywomen are such mules！declined to give
way； even when my conscience told me that he was right。
He sprang to his feet； in the same fever of excitement which I remembered
so well； when I had irritated him at Browndown into telling me who he
really was。
〃Would you have said； No？〃 he reiterated； stooping over me； flushed and
heated； as he had stooped on that first occasion； when he had whispered
his name in my ear。 〃Would you？〃 he repeated； louder and louder〃would
you？〃
At the third reiteration of the words； the frightful contortion that I
knew so well； seized on his face。 The wrench to the right twisted his
body。 He dropped at my feet。 Good God！ who could have declared that he
was wrong； with such an argument in his favor as I saw at that moment？
Who would not have said that any disfigurement would be welcome as a
refuge from this？
The servant ran in； and helped me to move the furniture to a safe
distance from him； 〃There won't be much more of it； ma'am；〃 said the man；
noticing my agitation； and trying to compose me。 〃In a month or two； the
doctor says the medicine will get hold of him。〃 I could say nothing on my
sideI could only reproach myself bitterly for disputing with him and
exciting him； and leading perhaps to the hideous seizure which had
attacked him in my presence for the second time。
The fit on this occasion was a short one。 Perhaps the drug was already
beginning to have some influence over him？ In twenty minutes； he was able
to resume his chair； and to go on talking to me。
〃You think I shall horrify you when my face has turned blue；〃 he said
with a faint smile。 〃Don't I horrify you now when you see me in
convulsions on the floor？〃
I entreated him to dwell on it no more。
〃God knows；〃 I said； 〃you have convinced meobstinate as I am。 Let us
try to think of nothing now but of the prospect of your being cured。 What
do you wish me to do？〃
〃You have great influence over Lucilla；〃 he said。 〃If she expresses any
curiosity； in future conversations with you； about the effect of the
medicine； check her at once。 Keep her as ignorant of it as she is now！〃
〃Why？〃
〃Why！ If she knows what you know； how will she feel？ Shocked and
horrified； as you felt。 What will she do？ She will come straight here；
and try； as you have tried； to persuade me to give it up。 Is that true or
not？〃
（Impossible to deny that it was true。）
〃I am so fond of her；〃 he went on； 〃that I can refuse her nothing。 She
would end in making me give it up。 The instant her back was turned； I
should repent my own weakness； and return to the medicine。 Here is a
perpetual struggle in prospect； for a man who is already worn out。 Is it
desirable； after what you have just seen； to expose me to that？〃
It would have been useless cruelty to expose him to it。 How could I do
otherwise than consent to make his sacrifice of himselfhis _necessary_
sacrificeas easy as I could？ At the same time； I implored him to
remember one thing。
〃Mind；〃 I said； 〃we can never hope to keep her in ignorance of the change
in you； when the change comes。 Sooner or later； some one will let the
secret out。〃
〃I only want it to be concealed from her while the disfigurement of me is
in progress；〃 he answered。 〃When nothing she can say or do will alter
itI will tell her myself。 She is so happy in the hope of my recovery！
What good can be gained by telling her beforehand of the penalty that I
pay for my deliverance？ My ugly color will never terrify my poor darling。
As for other persons； I shall not force myself on the view of the world。
It is my one wish to live out of the world。 The few people about me will
soon get reconciled to my face。 Lucilla will set them the example。 She
won't trouble herself long about a change in me that she can neither feel
nor see。
Ought I to have warned him here of Lucilla's inveterate prejudice； and of
the difficulty there might be in reconciling her to the change in him
when she heard of it？ I dare say I ought； I daresay I was to blame in
shrinking from inflicting new anxieties and new distresses on a man who
had already suffered so much。 The simple truth isI could not do it。
Would you have done it？ Ah； if you would； I hope I may never come in
contact with you。 What a horrid wretch you must be！ The end of it was
that I left the housepledged to keep Lucilla in ignorance of the cost
at which Oscar had determined to purchase his cure； until Oscar thought
fit to enlighten her himself。
CHAPTER THE TWENTIETH
Good Papa again！
THE promise I had given did not expose me to the annoyance of being kept
long on the watch against accidents。 If we could pass safely over the
next five days； we might feel pretty sure of the future。 On the last day
of the old year； Lucilla was bound by the terms of the will to go to
London； and live her allotted three months under the roof of her aunt。
In the brief interval that elapsed before her departure； she twice
approached the dangerous subject。
On the first occasion； she asked me if I knew what medicine Oscar was
taking。 I pleaded ignorance； and passed at once to other matters。 On the
second occasion； she advanced still further on the way to discovery of
the truth。 She now inquired if I had heard how the physic worked the
cure。 Having been already informed that the fits proceeded from a certain
disordered condition of the brain； she was anxious to know whether the
medical treatment was likely to affect the patient's head。 This question
（which I was of course unable to answer） she put to both the doctors。
Already warned by Oscar； they quieted her by declaring that the process
of cure acted by general means； and did not attack the head。 From that
moment； her curiosity was satisfied。 Her mind had other objects of
interest to dwell on； before she left Dimchurch。 She touched on the
perilous topic no more。
It was arranged that I was to accompany Lucilla to London。 Oscar was to
follow us； when the state of his health permitted him to take the
journey。 As betrothed husband of Lucilla； he had his right of entry；
during her residence in her aunt's house。 As for me； I was admitted at
Lucilla's intercession。 She declined to be separated from me for three
months。
Miss Batchford wrote； most politely； to offer me a hospitable welcome
during the day。 She had no second spare…room at her disposalso we
settled that I was t