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is the Grand Duke！
RUD。 （sobbing）。 Who are you； sir； who presume to address
me in person？ If you've anything to communicate； you must fling
yourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub…Deputy Assistant
Vice…Chamberlain； who will fling himself at the feet of his
immediate superior； and so on； with successive foot…flingings
through the various gradesyour communication will； in course of
time； come to my august knowledge。
LUD。 But when I inform your Highness that in me you see
the
most unhappy； the most unfortunate； the most completely miserable
man in your whole dominion
RUD。 （still sobbing）。 You the most miserable man in my
whole dominion？ How can you have the face to stand there and say
such a thing？ Why； look at me！ Look at me！ （Bursts into
tears。）
LUD。 Well； I wouldn't be a cry…baby。
RUD。 A cry…baby？ If you had just been told that you were
going to be deposed to…morrow； and perhaps blown up with dynamite
for all I know； wouldn't you be a cry…baby？ I do declare if I
could only hit upon some cheap and painless method of putting an
end to an existence which has become insupportable； I would
unhesitatingly adopt it！
LUD。 You would ？ （Aside。） I see a magnificent way out of
this！ By Jupiter； I'll try it！ （Aloud。） Are you； by any
chance； in earnest？
RUD。 In earnest？ Why； look at me！
LUD。 If you are really in earnestif you really desire to
escape scot…free from this impendingthis unspeakably horrible
catastrophewithout trouble； danger； pain； or expensewhy not
resort to a Statutory Duel？
RUD。 A Statutory Duel？
LUD。 Yes。 The Act is still in force； but it will expire
to…morrow afternoon。 You fightyou loseyou are dead for a
day。 To…morrow； when the Act expires； you will come to life
again and resume your Grand Duchy as though nothing had happened。
In the meantime； the explosion will have taken place and the
survivor will have had to bear the brunt of it。
RUD。 Yes； that's all very well； but who'll be fool enough
to be the survivor？
LUD。 （kneeling）。 Actuated by an overwhelming sense of
attachment to your Grand Ducal person； I unhesitatingly offer
myself as the victim of your subjects' fury。
RUD。 You do？ Well； really that's very handsome。 I
daresay
being blown up is not nearly as unpleasant as one would think。
LUD。 Oh； yes it is。 It mixes one up； awfully！
RUD。 But suppose I were to lose？
LUD。 Oh； that's easily arranged。 （Producing cards。） I'll
put an Ace up my sleeveyou'll put a King up yours。 When the
drawing takes place； I shall seem to draw the higher card and you
the lower。 And there you are！
RUD。 Oh； but that's cheating。
LUD。 So it is。 I never thought of that。 （Going。）
RUD。 （hastily）。 Not that I mind。 But I sayyou won't
take an unfair advantage of your day of office？ You won't go
tipping people； or squandering my little savings in fireworks； or
any nonsense of that sort？
LUD。 I am hurtreally hurtby the suggestion。
RUD。 Youyou wouldn't like to put down a deposit；
perhaps？
LUD。 No。 I don't think I should like to put down a
deposit。
RUD。 Or give a guarantee？
LUD。 A guarantee would be equally open to objection。
RUD。 It would be more regular。 Very well； I suppose you
must have your own way。
LUD。 Good。 I saywe must have a devil of a quarrel！
RUD。 Oh； a devil of a quarrel！
LUD。 Just to give colour to the thing。 Shall I give you a
sound thrashing before all the people？ Say the wordit's no
trouble。
RUD。 No； I think not； though it would be very convincing
and it's extremely good and thoughtful of you to suggest it。
Still； a devil of a quarrel！
LUD。 Oh； a devil of a quarrel！
RUD。 No half measures。 Big wordsstrong languagerude
remarks。 Oh； a devil of a quarrel！
LUD。 Now the question is； how shall we summon the people？
RUD。 Oh； there's no difficulty about that。 Bless your
heart； they've been staring at us through those windows for the
last half…hour！
FINALE。
RUD。 Come hither； all you people
When you hear the fearful news；
All the pretty women weep'll；
Men will shiver in their shoes。
LUD。 And they'll all cry 〃Lord； defend us！〃
When they learn the fact tremendous
That to give this man his gruel
In a Statutory Duel
BOTH。 This plebeian man of shoddy
This contemptible nobody
Your Grand Duke does not refuse！
（During this； Chorus of men and women have entered； all trembling
with apprehension under the impression that they are to be
arrested for their complicity in the conspiracy。）
CHORUS。
With faltering feet；
And our muscles in a quiver；
Our fate we meet
With our feelings all unstrung！
If our plot complete
He has managed to diskiver；
There is no retreat
We shall certainly be hung！
RUD。 （aside to LUDWIG）。
Now you begin and pitch it strongwalk into me abusively
LUD。 （aside to RUDOLPH）。
I've several epithets that I've reserved for you
exclusively。
A choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin。
RUD。 Now you begin
LUD。 No； you begin
RUD。 No； you begin
LUD。 No； you begin！
CHORUS （trembling）。
Has it happed as we expected？
Is our little plot detected？
DUETRUDOLPH and LUDWIG
RUD。 （furiously）。
Big bombs； small bombs； great guns and little ones！
Put him in a pillory！
Rack him with artillery！
LUD。 （furiously）。
Long swords； short swords； tough swords and brittle ones！
Fright him into fits！
Blow him into bits！
RUD。 You muff； sir！
LUD。 You lout； sir！
RUD。 Enough； sir！
LUD。 Get out； sir！ （Pushes him。）
RUD。 A hit； sir？
LUD。 Take that； sir！ （Slaps him。）
RUD。 It's tit； sir；
LUD。 For tat； sir！
CHORUS （appalled）。
When two doughty heroes thunder；
All the world is lost in wonder；
When such men their temper lose；
Awful are the words they use！
LUD。 Tall snobs； small snobs； rich snobs and needy ones！
RUD。 （jostling him）。 Whom are you alluding to？
LUD。 （jostling him）。 Where are you intruding to？
RUD。 Fat snobs； thin snobs； swell snobs and seedy ones！
LUD。 I rather think you err。
To whom do you refer？
RUD。 To you； sir！
LUD。 To me； sir？
RUD。 I do； sir！
LUD。 We'll see； sir！
RUD。 I jeer； sir！
（Makes a face at LUDWIG。） Grimace； sir！
LUD。 Look here； sir
（Makes a face at RUDOLPH。） A face； sir！
CHORUS （appalled）。
When two heroes； once pacific；
Quarrel； the effect's terrific！
What a horrible grimace！
What a paralysing face！
ALL。 Big bombs； small bombs； etc。
LUD。 and RUD。 （recit。）。
He has insulted me； and； in a breath；
This day we fight a duel to the death！
NOT。 （checking them）。
You mean； of course； by duel （verbum sat。）；
A Statutory Duel。
ALL。 Why； what's that？
NOT。 According to established legal uses；
A card apiece each bold disputant chooses
Dead as a doornail is the dog who loses
The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses！
ALL。 The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses！
RUD。 and Lud。 Agreed！ Agreed！
RUD。 Come； comethe pack！
LUD。 （producing one）。 Behold it here！
RUD。 I'm on the rack！
LUD。 I quake with fear！
（NOTARY offers card to LUDWIG。）
LUD。 First draw to you！
RUD。 If that's the case；
Behold the King！ （Drawing card from his sleeve。）
LUD。 （same business）。 Behold the Ace！
CHORUS。 Hurrah； hurrah！ Our Ludwig's won
And wicked Rudolph's course is run
So Ludwig will as Grand Duke reign
Till Rudolph comes to life again
RUD。 Which will occur to…morrow！
I come to life to…morrow！
GRET。 （with mocking curtsey）。
My Lord Grand Duke； farewell！
A pleasant journey； very；
To your convenient cell
In yonder cemetery！
LISA （curtseying）。
Though malcontents abuse you；
We're much distressed to lose you