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With our/their heartfelt sympathy！
＇Positions at beginning of Verse 3： L。 to R。； COLONEL； ANGELA；
DUKE； SAPHIR； MAJOR＇
DUKE After some debate internal；
If on neither I decide；
Saphir then can take the Colonel；
＇Hands her to the COLONEL。＇
Angy be the Major's bride！
＇Hands her to the MAJOR。＇
In that case unprecedented；
Single I shall live and die
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy！
ALL He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy！
In that case unprecedented；
Single he/I will/shall live and die
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy！
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy！
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy！
＇They dance off； arm…in…arm； up…stage and off； L。U。E。； the
COLONEL leading with SAPHIR。＇
＇Enter GROSVENOR； R。U。E。＇
GROS。 It is very pleasant to be alone。 It is pleasant to be
able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may
gaze upon at their good will！ ＇Looking at his reflection in
hand…mirror。＇ Ah； I am a very Narcissus！
＇Enter BUNTHORNE； L。 moodily。＇
BUN。 It's no use； I can't live without admiration。 Since
Grosvenor came here； insipidity has been at a premium。 Ah； he is
there！
GROS。 Ah； Bunthorne！ Come here look！ Very graceful； isn't
it！
BUN。 ＇taking hand…mirror＇ Allow me； I haven't seen it。 Yes； it
is graceful。
GROS。 ＇taking back the mirror） Oh； good gracious！ not that
this
BUN。 You don't mean that！ Bah！ I am in no mood for trifling。
GROS。 And what is amiss？
BUN。 Ever since you came here； you have entirely monopolized the
attentions of the young ladies。 I don't like it； sir！
GROS。 My dear sir； how can I help it？ They are the plague of my
life。 My dear Mr。 Bunthorne； with your personal disadvantages；
you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved；
at first sight； by every woman you meet。
BUN。 Sir； until you came here I was adored！
GROS。 Exactly until I came here。 That's my grievance。 I cut
everybody out！ I assure you； if you could only suggest some
means whereby； consistently with my duty to society； I could
escape these inconvenient attentions； you would earn my
everlasting gratitude。
BUN。 I will do so at once。 However popular it may be with the
world at large； your personal appearance is highly objectionable
to me。
GROS。 It is？ ＇shaking his hand＇ Oh； thank you！ thank you！ How
can I express my gratitude？
BUN。 By making a complete change at once。 Your conversation
must henceforth be perfectly matter…of…fact。 You must cut your
hair； and have a back parting。 In appearance and costume you
must be absolutely commonplace。
GROS。 ＇decidedly＇ No。 Pardon me； that's impossible。
BUN。 Take care！ When I am thwarted I am very terrible。
GROS。 I can't help that。 I am a man with a mission。 And that
mission must be fulfilled。
BUN。 I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of
thwarting me。
GROS。 I don't care what they are。
BUN。 Suppose I won't go so far as to say that I will do it
but suppose for one moment I were to curse you？ ＇GROSVENOR
quails。＇ Ah！ Very well。 Take care。
GROS。 But surely you would never do that？ ＇In great alarm＇
BUN。 I don't know。 It would be an extreme measure； no doubt。
Still
GROS。 ＇wildly＇ But you would not do it I am sure you would
not。 ＇Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees； and clinging to him＇
Oh； reflect； reflect！ You had a mother once。
BUN。 Never！
GROS。 Then you had an aunt！ ＇BUNTHORNE affected。＇ Ah！ I see
you had！ By the memory of that aunt； I implore you to pause ere
you resort to this last fearful expedient。 Oh； Mr。 Bunthorne；
reflect； reflect！ ＇Weeping＇
BUN。 ＇aside； after a struggle with himself＇ I must not allow
myself to be unmanned！ ＇aloud＇ It is useless。 Consent at once；
or may a nephew's curse
GROS。 Hold！ Are you absolutely resolved？
BUN。 Absolutely。
GROS。 Will nothing shake you？
BUN。 Nothing。 I am adamant。
GROS。 Very good。 ＇rising＇ Then I yield。
BUN。 Ha！ You swear it？
GROS。 I do； cheerfully。 I have long wished for a reasonable
pretext for such a change as you suggest。 It has come at last。
I do it on compulsion！
BUN。 Victory！ I triumph！
No。 18。 When I go out of door
（Duet）
Bunthorne and Grosvenor
＇Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his
solo verses。＇
BUNTHORNE When I go out of door；
Of damozels a score
（All sighing and burning；
And clinging and yearning）
Will follow me as before。
I shall； with cultured taste；
Distinguish gems from paste；
And 〃High diddle diddle〃
Will rank as an idyll；
If I pronounce it chaste！
BOTH A most intense young man；
A soulful…eyed young man；
An ultra…poetical； super…aesthetical；
Out…of…the…way young man！
GROSVENOR Conceive me； if you can；
An ev'ryday young man：
A commonplace type；
With a stick and a pipe；
And a half…bred black…and…tan；
Who thinks suburban 〃hops〃
More fun than 〃Monday Pops；〃
Who's fond of his dinner；
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops。
BOTH A commonplace young man；
A matter…of…fact young man
A steady and stolidy； jolly Bank…holiday；
Every…day young man！
BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man
A blue…and…white young man
Francesca di Rimini； miminy； piminy；
Je…ne…sais…quoi young man！
GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man
A Somerset House young man；
A very delectable； highly respectable
Three…penny…bus young man！
BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man
A haggard and lank young man；
A greenery…yallery； Grosvenor Gallery；
Foot…in…the…grave young man！
GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man；
A Howell & James young man；
A pushing young particle 〃What's the next
article？〃
Waterloo House young man！
BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR
Conceive me； if you can； Conceive me； if you can；
A crotchety； cracked young man； A matter…of…fact young man；
An ultra…poetical； super…aesthetical； An alphabetical；
arithmetical；
Out…of…the way young man！ Every day young man！
Conceive me； if you can； Conceive me； if you can；
A crotchety； cracked young man； A matter…of…fact young man；
An ultra…poetical； super…aesthetical； An alphabetical；
arithmetical；
Out…of…the way young man！ Every day young man！
＇GROSVENOR dances off； L。U。E。 ＇
BUN。 It is all right！ I have committed my last act of ill…
nature； and henceforth I'm a changed character。
＇Dances about stage； humming refrain of last air。 Enter
PATIENCE； L。 She gazes in astonishment at him。＇
PATIENCE Reginald！ Dancing！ And what in the world is the
matter with you？
BUN。 Patience； I'm a changed man。 Hitherto I've been gloomy；
moody； fitful uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition
PATIENCE You have； indeed！ ＇sighing＇
BUN。 All that is changed。 I have reformed。 I have modelled
myself upon Mr。 Grosvenor。 Henceforth I am mildly cheerful。 My
conversation will blend amusement with instruction。 I shall
still be aesthetic； but my aestheticism will be of the most
pastoral kind。
PATIENCE Oh； Reginald！ Is all this true？
BUN。 Quite true。 Observe how amiable I am。 ＇Assuming a fixed
smile＇
PATIENCE But； Reginald； how long will this last？
BUN。 With occasional intervals fo