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〃'Young man；' he said； 'how is it I never see you in the house of the
Lord？' I thought he was trying to do good； so I felt sorry for him； and I
told him I never went to chapel。 'Young man；' he said； 'it grieves me to
hear such godless words from the lips of one so youngso far gone in the
paths of destruction。 Young man； if you forget God； God will forget you。
There is a seat on the right…hand side as you go at the bottom door that
you may get。 If you are given over to the enjoyment and frivolities of
this world； what will become of your never dying soul？'
〃He would not go till I gave him half a crown for the minister's salary。
Afterward I heard he was the man who collected the pew rents and got a
percentage。 I didn't get to know any one else。
〃When my time in that shop was done I hired myself to drive one of a
transport…rider's wagons。
〃That first morning； when I sat in the front and called to my oxen； and saw
nothing about me but the hills； with the blue coming down to them； and the
karoo bushes； I was drunk； I laughed； my heart was beating till it hurt me。
I shut my eyes tight； that when I opened them I might see there were no
shelves about me。 There must be a beauty in buying and selling； if there
is beauty in everything： but it is very ugly to me。 My life as transport…
rider would have been the best life in the world if I had had only one
wagon to drive。 My master told me he would drive one； I the other； and he
would hire another person to drive the third。 But the first day I drove
two to help him； and after that he let me drive all three。 Whenever we
came to an hotel he stopped behind to get a drink； and when he rode up to
the wagons he could never stand； the Hottentot and I used to lift him up。
We always travelled all night； and used to outspan for five or six hours in
the heat of the day to rest。 I planned that I would lie under a wagon and
read for an hour or two every day before I went to sleep； and I did for the
first two or three； but after that I only wanted to sleep； like the rest；
and I packed my books away。
〃When you have three wagons to look after all night； you are sometimes so
tired you can hardly stand。 At first when I walked along driving my wagons
in the night it was glorious； the stars had never looked so beautiful to
me； and on the dark nights when we rode through the bush there were will…
o'…the…wisps dancing on each side of the road。 I found out that even the
damp and dark are beautiful。 But I soon changed； and saw nothing but the
road and my oxen。 I only wished for a smooth piece of road； so that I
might sit at the front and doze。 At the places where we outspanned there
were sometimes rare plants and flowers； the festoons hanging from the bush…
trees； and nuts and insects； such as we never see here； but after a little
while I never looked at themI was too tired。
〃I ate as much as I could； and then lay down on my face under the wagon
till the boy came to wake me to inspan； and then we drove on again all
night； so it went； so it went。 I think sometimes when I walked by my oxen
I called to them in my sleep； for I know I thought of nothing； I was like
an animal。 My body was strong and well to work； but my brain was dead。 If
you have not felt it； Lyndall； you cannot understand it。 You may work； and
work； and work； till you are only a body； not a soul。 Now； when I see one
of those evil…looking men that come from Europenavvies； with the beast…
like； sunken face； different from any Kaffer'sI know what brought that
look into their eyes； and if I have only one inch of tobacco I give them
half。 It is work； grinding； mechanical work； that they or their ancestors
have done； that has made them into beasts。 You may work a man's body so
that his soul dies。 Work is good。 I have worked at the old farm from the
sun's rising till its setting； but I have had time to think； and time to
feel。 You may work a man so that all but the animal in him is gone； and
that grows stronger with physical labour。
〃You may work a man till he is a devil。 I know it； because I have felt it。
You will never understand the change that came over me。 No one but I will
ever know how great it was。 But I was never miserable； when I could keep
my oxen from sticking fast； and when I could find a place to lie down in； I
had all I wanted。 After I had driven eight months a rainy season came。
For eighteen hours out of the twenty…four we worked in the wet。 The mud
went up to the axles sometimes； and we had to dig the wheels out； and we
never went far in a day。 My master swore at me more than ever； but when he
had done he always offered me his brandy…flask。 When I first came he had
offered it me； and I had always refused； but now I drank as my oxen did
when I gave them waterwithout thinking。 At last I bought brandy for
myself whenever we passed an hotel。
〃One Sunday we outspanned on the banks of a swollen river to wait for its
going down。 It was drizzling still； so I lay under the wagon on the mud。
There was no dry place anywhere； and all the dung was wet； so there was no
fire to cook food。 My little flask was filled with brandy； and I drank
some and went to sleep。 When I woke it was drizzling still； so I drank
some more。 I was stiff and cold； and my master； who lay by me； offered me
his flask； because mine was empty。 I drank some； and then I thought I
would go and see if the river was going down。 I remember that I walked to
the road； and it seemed to be going away from me。 When I woke up I was
lying by a little bush on the bank of the river。 It was afternoon； all the
clouds had gone； and the sky was deep blue。 The Bushman boy was grilling
ribs at the fire。 He looked at me and grinned from ear to ear。 'Master
was a little nice；' he said； 'and lay down in the road。 Something might
ride over master； so I carried him there。' He grinned at me again。 It was
as though he said； 'You and I are comrades。 I have lain in a road； too。 I
know all about it。'
〃When I turned my head from him I saw the earth； so pure after the rain； so
green； so fresh； so blue； and I was a drunken carrier； whom his leader had
picked up in the mud； and laid at the roadside to sleep out his drink。 I
remember my old life； and I remember you。 I saw how； one day； you would
read in the papers： 'A German carrier； named Waldo Farber； was killed
through falling from his wagon； being instantly crushed under the wheel。
Deceased was supposed to have been drunk at the time of the accident。'
There are those notices in the paper every month。 I sat up； and I took the
brandy…flask out of my pocket； and I flung it as far as I could into the
dark water。 The Hottentot boy ran down to see if he could catch it； it had
sunk to the bottom。 I never drank again。 But； Lyndall； sin looks much
more terrible to those who look at it than to those who do it。 A convict；
or a man who drinks； seems something so far off and horrible when we see
him； but to himself he seems quite near to us； and like us。 We wonder what
kind of a creature he is； but he is just we； ourselves。 We are only the
wood； the knife that carves on us is the circumstance。
〃I do not know why I kept on working so hard for that master。 I think it
was as the oxen come every day and stand by the yokes； they do not know
why。 Perhaps I would have been with him still； but one day we started with
loads for the Diamond Fields。 The oxen were very thin now； and they had
been standing about in the yoke all day without food； while the wagons were
being loaded。 Not far from the town was a hill。 When we came to the foot
the first wagon stuck fast。 I tried for a little while to urge the oxen；
but I soon saw the one span could never pull it up。 I went to the other
wagon to loosen that span to join them on in front； but the transport…
rider； who was lying at the back of the wagon； jumped out。
〃'They shall bring it up the hill； and if half of them die for it they
shall do it alone；' he said。
〃He was not drunk； but in bad temper； for he had been drunk the night
before。 He swore at me； and told me to take the whip and help him。 We
tried for a little time； then I told him it was no use； they could never do
it。 He swore louder and called to the leaders to come on with their whips；
and together they lashed。 There was one ox； a black ox； so thin that the
ridge of his backbone almost cut through his flesh。
〃'It is you； devil； is it； that will not pull？' the transport…rider said。
'I will show you something。' He looked like a devil。
〃He told the boys to leave off flogging； and he held the ox by the horn；
and took up a round stone and knocked its nose with it till the blood came。
When he had done they called to the oxen and took up their whips again； and
the oxen strained with their backs bent； but the wagon did not move an
inch。
〃'So you won't； won't you？' he said。 I'll help you。'