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PHIDIPPIDES
And what good can be learnt of them？
STREPSIADES
What good indeed？ Why； all human knowledge。 Firstly； you will know
yourself grossly ignorant。 But await me here awhile。
（He goes back into his house。）
PHIDIPPIDES
Alas！ what is to be done？ Father has lost his wits。 Must I have
him certificated for lunacy； or must I order his coffin？
STREPSIADES （returning with a bird in each hand）
Come！ what kind of bird is this？ Tell me。
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon。
STREPSIADES
Good！ And this female？
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon。
STREPSIADES
The same for both？ You make me laugh！ In the future you must
call this one a pigeonnette and the other a pigeon。
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeonnette！ These then are the fine things you have just learnt
at the school of these sons of Earth！
STREPSIADES
And many others； but what I learnt I forgot at once； because I
am to old。
PHIDIPPIDES
So this is why you have lost your cloak？
STREPSIADES
I have not lost it； I have consecrated it to Philosophy。
PHIDIPPIDES
And what have you done with your sandals； you poor fool？
STREPSIADES
If I have lost them； it is for what was necessary； just as
Pericles did。 But come； move yourself； let us go in； if necessary；
do wrong to obey your father。 When you were six years old and still
lisped； I was the one who obeyed you。 I remember at the feasts of Zeus
you had a consuming wish for a little chariot and I bought it for
you with the first obolus which I received as a juryman in the courts。
PHIDIPPIDES
You will soon repent of what you ask me to do。
STREPSIADES
Oh！ now I am happy！ He obeys。 （loudly） Come； Socrates； come！
Come out quick！ Here I am bringing you my son； he refused； but I
have persuaded him。
SOCRATES
Why； he is but a child yet。 He is not used to these baskets； in
which we suspend our minds。
PHIDIPPIDES
To make you better used to them； I would you were hung。
STREPSIADES
A curse upon you！ you insult your master！
SOCRATES
〃I would you were hung！〃 What a stupid speech！ and so emphatically
spoken！ How can one ever get out of an accusation with such a tone；
summon witnesses or touch or convince？ And yet when we think；
Hyperbolus learnt all this for one talent！
STREPSIADES
Rest undisturbed and teach him。 He has a most intelligent
nature。 Even when quite little he amused himself at home with making
houses； carving boats； constructing little chariots of leather； and
understood wonderfully how to make frogs out of pomegranate rinds。
Teach him both methods of reasoning； the strong and also the weak；
which by false arguments triumphs over the strong； if not the two；
at least the false； and that in every possible way。
SOCRATES
The Just and Unjust Discourse themselves shall instruct him。 I
shall leave you。
STREPSIADES
But forget it not； he must always； always be able to confound
the true。
（Socrates enters the Thoughtery； a moment later the JUST and the
UNJUST DISCOURSE come out； they are quarrelling violently。）
JUST DISCOURSE
Come here！ Shameless as you may be； will you dare to show your
face to the spectators？
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Take me where you will。 I seek a throng； so that I may the
better annihilate you。
JUST DISCOURSE
Annihilate me！ Do you forget who you are？
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I am Reasoning。
JUST DISCOURSE
Yes； the weaker Reasoning。〃
UNJUST DISCOURSE
But I triumph over you； who claim to be the stronger。
JUST DISCOURSE
By what cunning shifts； pray？
UNJUST DISCOURSE
By the invention of new maxims。
JUST DISCOURSE
。。。。 which are received with favour by these fools。
（He points to the audience。）
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Say rather； by these wise men。
JUST DISCOURSE
I am going to destroy you mercilessly。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
How pray？ Let us see you do it。
JUST DISCOURSE
By saying what is true。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I shall retort and shall very soon have the better of you。
First； maintain that justice has no existence。
JUST DISCOURSE
Has no existence？
UNJUST DISCOURSE
No existence！ Why； where is it？
JUST DISCOURSE
With the gods。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
How then； if justice exists； was Zeus not put to death for
having put his father in chains？
JUST DISCOURSE
Bah！ this is enough to turn my stomach！ A basin； quick！
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You are an old driveller and stupid withal。
JUST DISCOURSE
And you a degenerate and shameless fellow。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Hah！ What sweet expressions！
JUST DISCOURSE
An impious buffoon。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You crown me with roses and with lilies。
JUST DISCOURSE
A parricide。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Why； you shower gold upon me。
JUST DISCOURSE
Formerly it was a hailstorm of blows。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I deck myself with your abuse。
JUST DISCOURSE
What impudence！
UNJUST DISCOURSE
What tomfoolery！
JUST DISCOURSE
It is because of you that the youth no longer attends the schools。
The Athenians will soon recognize what lessons you teach those who are
fools enough to believe you。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You are overwhelmed with wretchedness。
JUST DISCOURSE
And you； you prosper。 Yet you were poor when you said； 〃I am the
Mysian Telephus；〃 and used to stuff your wallet with maxims of
Pandeletus to nibble at。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Oh！ the beautiful wisdom； of which you are now boasting！
JUST DISCOURSE
Madman！ But yet madder the city that keeps you； you； the corrupter
of its youth！
UNJUST DISCOURSE
It is not you who will teach this young man； you are as old and
out of date at Cronus。
JUST DISCOURSE
Nay； it will certainly be I； if he does not wish to be lost and to
practise verbosity only。
UNJUST DISCOURSE （to PHIDIPPIDES）
Come here and leave him to beat the air。
JUST DISCOURSE
You'll regret it； if you touch him。
CHORUS…LEADER （stepping between them as they are about to come to
blows）
A truce to your quarrellings and abuse！ But you expound what you
taught us formerly； and you； your new doctrine。 Thus； after hearing
each of you argue； he will be able to choose betwixt the two schools。
JUST DISCOURSE
I am quite agreeable。
UNJUST DISCOURSE
And I too。
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Who is to speak first？
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Let it be my opponent； he has my full consent； then I shall follow
upon the very ground he shall have chosen and shall shatter him with a
hail of new ideas and subtle fancies； if after that he dares to
breathe another word； I shall sting him in the face and in the eyes
with our maxims； which are as keen as the sting of a wasp； and he will
die。
CHORUS （singing）
Here are two rivals confident in their powers of oratory and in
the thoughts over which they have pondered so long。 Let us see which
will come triumphant out of the contest。 This wisdom； for which my
friends maintain such a persistent fight； is in great danger。
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Come then； you； who crowned men of other days with so many
virtues； plead the cause dear to you； make yourself known to us。
JUST DISCOURSE
Very well； I will tell you what was the old education； when I used
to teach justice with so much success and when modesty was held in
veneration。 Firstly； it was required of a child； that it should not
utter a word。 In the street； when they went to the music…school； all
the youths of the same district marched lightly clad and ranged in
good order； even when the snow was falling in great flakes。 At the
master's house they had to stand with their legs apart and they were
taught to sing either； 〃Pallas； the Terrible； who overturneth cities；〃
or 〃A noise resounded from afar〃 in the solemn tones of the ancient
harmony。 If anyone indulged in buffoonery or lent his voice any of the
soft inflexions； like those which to…day the disciples of Phrynis take
so much pains to form； he was treated as an enemy of the Muses and
belaboured with blows。 In the wrestling school they would sit with
outstretched legs and without display of any indecency to the curious。
When they rose； they would smooth over the sand； so as to leave no
trace to excite obscene thoughts。 Never was a child rubbed with oil
below the belt； the rest of their bodies thus retained its fresh bloom
and down； like a velvety peach。 They were not to be seen approaching a
lover and themselves rousing his passion by soft modulation of the
voice and lustful gaze。 At table； they would not have dared； before
those older than themselves； to have taken a radish； an aniseed or a
leaf of parsley； an