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him。'
〃Domini； when the Reverend Pere spoke to me thus my mouth was suddenly
contracted in a smile。 Devil's smile； I think。 I put up my hand to my
face。 I saw the Reverend Pere looking at me with a dawning of
astonishment in his kind； grave eyes； and I controlled myself at once。
But I said nothing。 I could not say anything； and I went out from the
parlour quickly； hot with a sensation of shame。
〃'You are coming？' the stranger said。
〃'Yes；' I answered。
〃It was a fiery day of late June。 Africa was bathed in a glare of
light that hurt the eyes。 I went into my cell and put on a pair of
blue glasses and my wide straw hat； the hat in which I formerly used
to work in the fields。 When I came out my guest was standing on the
garden path。 He was swinging a stick in one hand。 The other hand；
which hung down by his side； was twitching nervously。 In the glitter
of the sun his face looked ghastly。 In his eyes there seemed to be
terrors watching without hope。
〃'You are ready？' he said。 'Let us go。'
〃We set off； walking quickly。
〃'Movementpacesometimes that does a little good；' he said。 'If one
can exhaust the body the mind sometimes lies almost still for a
moment。 If it would only lie still for ever。'
〃I said nothing。 I could say nothing。 For my fever was surely as his
fever。
〃'Where are we going？' he asked when we reached the little house of
the keeper of the gate by the cemetery。
〃'We cannot walk in the sun；' I answered。 'Let us go into the
eucalyptus woods。'
〃The first Trappists had planted forests of eucalyptus to keep off the
fever that sometimes comes in the African summer。 We made our way
along a tract of open land and came into a deep wood。 Here we began to
walk more slowly。 The wood was empty of men。 The hot silence was
profound。 He took off his white helmet and walked on； carrying it in
his hand。 Not till we were far in the forest did he speak。 Then he
said； 'Father； I cannot struggle on much longer。'
〃He spoke abruptly； in a hard voice。
〃'You must try to gain courage；' I said。
〃'From where？' he exclaimed。 'No； no； don't say from God。 If there is
a God He hates me。'
〃When he said that I felt as if my soul shuddered； hearing a frightful
truth spoken about itself。 My lips were dry。 My heart seemed to
shrivel up； but I made an effort and answered：
〃'God hates no being whom He has created。'
〃'How can you know？ Almost every man； perhaps every living man hates
someone。 Why not？'
〃'To compare God with a man is blasphemous；' I answered。
〃'Aren't we made in His image？ Father； it's as I saidI can't
struggle on much longer。 I shall have to end it。 I wish nowI often
wish that I had yielded to my first impulse and killed her。 What is
she doing now？ What is she doing nowat this moment？'
〃He stood still and beat with his stick on the ground。
〃'You don't know the infinite torture there is in knowing that； far
away； she is still living that cursed life； that she is free to
continue the acts of which her existence has been full。 Every moment I
am imaginingI am seeing'
〃He forced his stick deep into the ground。
〃'If I had killed her；' he said in a low voice； 'at least I should
know that she was sleepingalonetherethereunder the earth。 I
should know that her body was dissolved into dust； that her lips could
kiss no man； that her arms could never hold another as they have held
me！'
〃'Hush！' I said sternly。 'You deliberately torture yourself and me。'
He glanced up sharply。
〃'You！ What do you mean？'
〃'I must not listen to such things；' I said。 'They are bad for you and
for me。'
〃'How can they be bad for youa monk？'
〃'Such talk is evilevil for everyone。'
〃'I'll be silent then。 I'll go into the silence。 I'll go soon。'
〃I understood that he thought of putting an end to himself。
〃'There are few men；' I said； speaking with deliberation； with effort；
'who do not feel at some period of life that all is over for them；
that there is nothing to hope for； that happiness is a dream which
will visit them no more。'
〃'Have you ever felt like that？ You speak of it calmly； but have you
ever experienced it？'
〃I hesitated。 Then I said：
〃'Yes。'
〃'You； who have been a monk for so many years！'
〃'Yes。'
〃'Since you have been here？'
〃'Yes； since then。'
〃'And you would tell me that the feeling passed； that hope came again；
and the dream as you call it？'
〃'I would say that what has lived in a heart can die； as we who live
in this world shall die。'
〃'Ah； thatthe sooner the better！ But you are wrong。 Sometimes a
thing lives in the heart that cannot die so long as the heart beats。
Such is my passion； my torture。 Don't you； a monkdon't dare to say
to me that this love of mine could die。'
〃'Don't you wish it to die？' I asked。 'You say it tortures you。'
〃'Yes。 But nonoI don't wish it to die。 I could never wish that。'
〃I looked at him； I believe； with a deep astonishment。
〃'Ah； you don't understand！ ' he said。 'You don't understand。 At all
costs one must keep itone's love。 With it I amas you see。 But
without itman； without it； I should be nothingno more than that。'
〃He picked up a rotten leaf； held it to me； threw it down on the
ground。 I hardly looked at it。 He had said to me： 'Man！' That word；
thus said by him； seemed to me to mark the enormous change in me； to
indicate that it was visible to the eyes of another； the heart of
another。 I had passed from the monkthe sexless beingto the man。 He
set me beside himself； spoke of me as if I were as himself。 An intense
excitement surged up in me。 I thinkI don't know what I should have
saiddonebut at that moment a boy； who acted as a servant at the
monastery； came running towards us with a letter in his hand。
〃'It is for Monsieur！' he said。 'It was left at the gate。'
〃'A letter for me！' the stranger said。
〃He held out his hand and took it indifferently。 The boy gave it； and
turning； went away through the wood。 Then the stranger glanced at the
envelope。 Domini； I wish I could make you see what I saw then； the
change that came。 I can't。 There are things the eyes must see。 The
tongue can't tell them。 The ghastly whiteness went out of his face。 A
hot flood of scarlet rushed over it up to the roots of his hair。 His
hands and his whole body began to tremble violently。 His eyes； which
were fixed on the envelope； shone with an expressionit was like all
the excitement in the world condensed into two sparks。 He dropped his
stick and sat down on the trunk of a tree； fell down almost。
〃'Father！' he muttered； 'it's not been through the postit's not been
through the post！'
〃I did not understand。
〃'What do you mean？' I asked。
〃'What'
〃The flush left his face。 He turned deadly white again。 He held out
the letter。
〃'Read it for me！' he said。 'I can't seeI can't see anything。'
〃I took the letter。 He covered his eyes with his hands。 I opened it
and read：
〃'GRAND HOTEL； TUNIS。
〃'I have found out where you are。 I have come。 Forgive meif you
can。 I will marry youor I will live with you。 As you please； but
I cannot live without you。 I know women are not admitted to the
monastery。 Come out on the road that leads to Tunis。 I am there。
At least come for a moment and speak to me。 VERONIQUE。'
〃Domini； I read this slowly； and it was as if I read my own fate。 When
I had finished he got up。 He was still pale as ashes and trembling。
〃'Which is the way to the road？' he said。 'Do you know？'
〃'Yes。'
〃'Take me there。 Give me your arm； Father。'
〃He took it； leaned on it heavily。 We walked through the wood towards
the highroad。 I had almost to support him。 The way seemed long。 I felt
tired； sick； as if I could scarcely move； as if I were bearingas if
I were bearing a cross that was too heavy for me。 We came at last out
of the shadow of the trees into the glare of the sun。 A flat field
divided us from the white road。
〃'Is thereis there a carriage？' he whispered in my ear。
〃I looked across the field and saw on the road a carriage waiting。
〃'Yes；' I said。
〃I stopped； and tried to take his arm from mine。
〃'Go；' I said。 'Go on！'
〃'I can't。 Come with me； Father。'
〃We went on in the blinding sun。 I looked down on the dry earth as I
walked。 Presently I saw at my feet the white dust of the road。 At the
same time I heard a woman's cry。 The stranger took his arm violently
from mine。
〃'Father；' he said。 'Good…byeGod bless you！'
〃He was gone。 I stood there。 In a moment I heard a roll of wheels。
Then I looked up。 I saw a man and a woman together； Domini。 Their
faces were like angels' faceswith happiness。 The dust flew up in the
sunshine。 The wheels died awayI was alone。
〃PresentlyI think after a very long timeI turned and went back to
the monastery。 Domini； that night I left the monastery。 I was as one
mad。 The wish to live had given place to the determination to live。 I
thought of nothing else。 In the chapel that evening I heard nothingI
did not see the monks。 I did not attempt to pray； for I knew that I
was going。 To go was an easy matter for me。 I slept alone in the
/hotellerie/； of which I had the key。 When it was night I unlocked the
door。 I walked to the cemeterybetween the Stations