按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
healthy and wholesome cheerfulness is not necessarily impossible to any
occupation。 The lesson is likely to be lasting； for it will take many
months to obliterate the memory of the remarks and circumstances that
impressed it。
A ROYAL COMPLIMENT
The latest report about the Spanish crown is； that it will now be
offered to Prince Alfonso； the second son of the King of Portugal；
who is but five years of age。 The Spaniards have hunted through all
the nations of Europe for a King。 They tried to get a Portuguese in
the person of Dom…Luis； who is an old ex…monarch； they tried to get
an Italian； in the person of Victor Emanuel's young son； the Duke of
Genoa； they tried to get a Spaniard； in the person of Espartero； who
is an octogenarian。 Some of them desired a French Bourbon；
Montpensier； some of them a Spanish Bourbon； the Prince of Asturias；
some of them an English prince； one of the sons of Queen Victoria。
They have just tried to get the German Prince Leopold； but they have
thought it better to give him up than take a war along with him。
It is a long time since we first suggested to them to try an
American ruler。 We can offer them a large number of able and
experienced sovereigns to pick from…men skilled in statesmanship；
versed in the science of government； and adepts in all the arts of
administrationmen who could wear the crown with dignity and rule
the kingdom at a reasonable expense。
There is not the least danger of Napoleon threatening them if they
take an American sovereign； in fact； we have no doubt he would be
pleased to support such a candidature。 We are unwilling to mention
namesthough we have a man in our eye whom we wish they had in
theirs。New York Tribune。
It would be but an ostentation of modesty to permit such a pointed
reference to myself to pass unnoticed。 This is the second time that 'The
Tribune' （no doubt sincerely looking to the best interests of Spain and
the world at large） has done me the great and unusual honour to propose
me as a fit person to fill the Spanish throne。 Why 'The Tribune' should
single me out in this way from the midst of a dozen Americans of higher
political prominence； is a problem which I cannot solve。 Beyond a
somewhat intimate knowledge of Spanish history and a profound veneration
for its great names and illustrious deeds； I feel that I possess no merit
that should peculiarly recommend me to this royal distinction。 I cannot
deny that Spanish history has always been mother's milk to me。 I am
proud of every Spanish achievement； from Hernando Cortes's victory at
Thermopylae down to Vasco Nunez de Balboa's discovery of the Atlantic
ocean； and of every splendid Spanish name； from Don Quixote and the Duke
of Wellington down to Don Caesar de Bazan。 However； these little graces
of erudition are of small consequence； being more showy than serviceable。
In case the Spanish sceptre is pressed upon meand the indications
unquestionably are that it will beI shall feel it necessary to have
certain things set down and distinctly understood beforehand。 For
instance： My salary must be paid quarterly in advance。 In these
unsettled times it will not do to trust。 If Isabella had adopted this
plan； she would be roosting on her ancestral throne to…day； for the
simple reason that her subjects never could have raised three months of a
royal salary in advance； and of course they could not have discharged her
until they had squared up with her。 My salary must be paid in gold； when
greenbacks are fresh in a country； they are too fluctuating。 My salary
has got to be put at the ruling market rate； I am not going to cut under
on the trade； and they are not going to trail me a long way from home and
then practise on my ignorance and play me for a royal North Adams
Chinaman； by any means。 As I understand it； imported kings generally get
five millions a year and house…rent free。 Young George of Greece gets
that。 As the revenues only yield two millions； he has to take the
national note for considerable； but even with things in that sort of
shape he is better fixed than he was in Denmark； where he had to
eternally stand up because he had no throne to sit on； and had to give
bail for his board； because a royal apprentice gets no salary there while
he is learning his trade。 England is the place for that。 Fifty thousand
dollars a year Great Britain pays on each royal child that is born； and
this is increased from year to year as the child becomes more and more
indispensable to his country。 Look at Prince Arthur。 At first he only
got the usual birth…bounty； but now that he has got so that he can dance；
there is simply no telling what wages he gets。
I should have to stipulate that the Spanish people wash more and
endeavour to get along with less quarantine。 Do you know； Spain keeps
her ports fast locked against foreign traffic three…fourths of each year；
because one day she is scared about the cholera； and the next about the
plague； and next the measles； next the hooping cough； the hives； and the
rash？ but she does not mind leonine leprosy and elephantiasis any more
than a great and enlightened civilisation minds freckles。 Soap would
soon remove her anxious distress about foreign distempers。 The reason
arable land is so scarce in Spain is because the people squander so much
of it on their persons； and then when they die it is improvidently buried
with them。
I should feel obliged to stipulate that Marshal Serrano be reduced to the
rank of constable； or even roundsman。 He is no longer fit to be City
Marshal。 A man who refused to be king because he was too old and feeble；
is ill qualified to help sick people to the station…house when they are
armed and their form of delirium tremens is of the exuberant and
demonstrative kind。
I should also require that a force be sent to chase the late Queen
Isabella out of France。 Her presence there can work no advantage to
Spain； and she ought to be made to move at once； though； poor thing； she
has been chaste enough heretoforefor a Spanish woman。
I should also require that
I am at this moment authoritatively informed that 〃The Tribune〃 did not
mean me； after all。 Very well； I do not care two cents。
THE APPROACHING EPIDEMIC
One calamity to which the death of Mr。 Dickens dooms this country has not
awakened the concern to which its gravity entitles it。 We refer to the
fact that the nation is to be lectured to death and read to death all
next winter； by Tom； Dick； and Harry； with poor lamented Dickens for a
pretext。 All the vagabonds who can spell will afflict the people with
〃readings〃 from Pickwick and Copperfield； and all the insignificants who
have been ennobled by the notice of the great novelist or transfigured by
his smile will make a marketable commodity of it now； and turn the sacred
reminiscence to the practical use of procuring bread and butter。 The
lecture rostrums will fairly swarm with these fortunates。 Already the
signs of it are perceptible。 Behold how the unclean creatures are
wending toward the dead lion and gathering to the feast：
〃Reminiscences of Dickens。〃 A lecture。 By John Smith； who heard him
read eight times。
〃Remembrances of Charles Dickens。〃 A lecture。 By John Jones； who saw
him once in a street car and twice in a barber shop。
〃Recollections of Mr。 Dickens。〃 A lecture。 By John Brown； who gained a
wide fame by writing deliriously appreciative critiques and rhapsodies
upon the great author's public readings； and who shook hands with the
great author upon various occasions； and held converse with him several
times。
〃Readings from Dickens。〃 By John White； who has the great delineator's
style and manner perfectly； having attended all his readings in this
country and made these things a study； always practising each reading
before retiring； and while it was hot from the great delineator's lips。
Upon this occasion Mr。 W。 will exhibit the remains of a cigar which he
saw Mr。 Dickens smoke。 This Relic is kept in a solid silver box made
purposely for it。
〃Sights and Sounds of the Great Novelist。〃 A popular lecture。 By John
Gray； who ；waited on his table all the time he was at the Grand Hotel；
New York； and still has in his possession and will exhibit to the
audience a fragment of the Last Piece of Bread which the lamented author
tasted in this country。
〃Heart Treasures of Precious Moments with Literature's Departed Monarch。〃
A lecture。 By Miss Serena Amelia Tryphenia McSpadden； who still wears；
and will always wear； a glove upon the hand made sacred by the clasp of
Dickens。 Only Death shall remove it。
〃Readings from Dickens。〃 By Mrs。 J。 O'Hooligan Murphy； who washed for
him。
〃Familiar Talks with the Great Author。〃 A narrative lecture。 By John
Thomas； for two weeks his valet in America。
And so forth； and so on。 This isn't half the list。 The man who has a
〃Toothpick once used by Charles Dickens〃 will have to have a hearing； and
the man who 〃once rode in an omnibus with Charles Dickens；〃 and the lady
to whom Charles Dickens 〃granted th