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since she had but the one sitting…room； would I allow her to go on using it
occasionally？ also； if I had no special preference； would I take the second…
sized bedroom and leave her in possession of the largest one； which
permitted her to have the baby's crib by her bedside？ She thought I
should be quite as comfortable； and it was her opinion that in making
arrangements with lodgers； it was a good plan not to 〃bryke up the 'ome
any more than was necessary。〃
〃Bryke up the 'ome！〃 That is seemingly the malignant purpose with
which I entered Barbury Green。
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
CHAPTER II
July 4th。
Enter the family of Thornycroft Farm； of which I am already a
member in good and regular standing。
I introduce Mrs。 Heaven first； for she is a self…saturated person who
would never forgive the insult should she receive any lower place。
She welcomed me with the statement： 〃We do not take lodgers here；
nor boarders； no lodgers； nor boarders； but we do occasionally admit
paying guests； those who look as if they would appreciate the quietude of
the plyce and be willing as you might say to remunerate according。〃
I did not mind at this particular juncture what I was called； so long as
the epithet was comparatively unobjectionable； so I am a paying guest；
therefore； and I expect to pay handsomely for the handsome appellation。
Mrs。 Heaven is short and fat； she fills her dress as a pin…cushion fills its
cover； she wears a cap and apron； and she is so full of platitudes that she
would have burst had I not appeared as a providential outlet for them。
Her accent is not of the farm； but of the town； and smacks wholly of the
marts of trade。 She is repetitious； too； as well as platitudinous。 〃I 'ope
if there's anythink you require you will let us know； let us know；〃 she says
several times each day； and whenever she enters my sitting…room she
prefaces her conversation with the remark： 〃I trust you are finding it
quiet here； miss？ It's the quietude of the plyce that is its charm； yes； the
quietude。 And yet〃 （she dribbles on） 〃it wears on a body after a while；
miss。 I often go into Woodmucket to visit one of my sons just for the
noise； simply for the noise； miss； for nothink else in the world but the
noise。 There's nothink like noise for soothing nerves that is worn
threadbare with the quietude； miss； or at least that's my experience； and
yet to a strynger the quietude of the plyce is its charm； undoubtedly its
chief charm； and that is what our paying guests always say； although our
charges are somewhat higher than other plyces。 If there's anythink you
require； miss； I 'ope you'll mention it。 There is not a commodious
assortment in Barbury Green； but we can always send the pony to
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
Woodmucket in case of urgency。 Our paying guest last summer was a Mrs。
Pollock； and she was by way of having sudden fancies。 Young and
unmarried though you are； miss； I think you will tyke my meaning without
my speaking plyner？ Well； at six o'clock of a rainy afternoon； she was
seized with an unaccountable desire for vegetable marrows； and Mr。
'Eaven put the pony in the cart and went to Woodmucket for them； which
is a great advantage to be so near a town and yet 'ave the quietude。〃
Mr。 Heaven is merged； like Mr。 Jellyby； in the more shining qualities
of his wife。 A line of description is too long for him。 Indeed； I can think
of no single word brief enough； at least in English。 The Latin 〃nil〃 will
do； since no language is rich in words of less than three letters。 He is
nice； kind； bald； timid； thin； and so colourless that he can scarcely be
discerned save in a strong light。 When Mrs。 Heaven goes out into the
orchard in search of him； I can hardly help calling from my window； 〃Bear
a trifle to the right； Mrs。 Heavennow to the leftjust in front of you now…
… if you put out your hands you will touch him。〃
Phoebe； aged seventeen； is the daughter of the house。 She is virtuous；
industrious； conscientious； and singularly destitute of physical charm。
She is more than plain； she looks as if she had been planned without any
definite purpose in view； made of the wrong materials； been badly put
together； and never properly finished off； but 〃plain〃 after all is a relative
word。 Many a plain girl has been married for her beauty； and now and
then a beauty； falling under a cold eye； has been thought plain。
Phoebe has her compensations； for she is beloved by； and reciprocates
the passion of； the Woodmancote carrier； Woodmucket being the English
manner of pronouncing the place of his abode。 If he 〃carries〃 as
energetically for the great public as he fetches for Phoebe； then he must be
a rising and a prosperous man。 He brings her daily； wild strawberries；
cherries； birds' nests； peacock feathers； sea…shells； green hazel…nuts；
samples of hens' food； or bouquets of wilted field flowers tied together
tightly and held with a large； moist； loving hand。 He has fine curly hair
of sandy hue； which forms an aureole on his brow； and a reddish beard；
which makes another inverted aureole to match； round his chin。 One
cannot look at him； especially when the sun shines through him； without
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
thinking how lovely he would be if stuffed and set on wheels； with a little
string to drag him about。
Phoebe confided to me that she was on the eve of loving the postman
when the carrier came across her horizon。
〃It doesn't do to be too hysty； does it； miss？〃 she asked me as we were
weeding the onion bed。 〃I was to give the postman his answer on the
Monday night； and it was on the Monday morning that Mr。 Gladwish
made his first trip here as carrier。 I may say I never wyvered from that
moment； and no more did he。 When I think how near I came to
promising the postman it gives me a turn。〃 （I can understand that； for I
once met the man I nearly promised years before to marry； and we both
experienced such a sense of relief at being free instead of bound that we
came near falling in love for sheer joy。）
The last and most important member of the household is the Square
Baby。 His name is Albert Edward； and he is really five years old and no
baby at all； but his appearance on this planet was in the nature of a
complete surprise to all parties concerned； and he is spoiled accordingly。
He has a square head and jaw； square shoulders； square hands and feet。
He is red and white and solid and stolid and slow…witted； as the young of
his class commonly are； and will make a bulwark of the nation in course
of time； I should think； for England has to produce a few thousand such
square babies every year for use in the colonies and in the standing army。
Albert Edward has already a military gait； and when he has acquired a
habit of obedience at all comparable with his power of command； he will
be able to take up the white man's burden with distinguished success。
Meantime I can never look at him without marvelling how the English
climate can transmute bacon and eggs； tea and the solid household loaf
into such radiant roses and lilies as bloom upon his cheeks and lips。
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
CHAPTER III
July 8th。
Thornycroft is by way of be