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Now it is necessary for the physician to have practice as well as theory；
so the Square Baby； being left to himself this afternoon； proceeded to
perfect himself in some of the healing arts used by country practitioners。
When discovered； he was seated in front of the wire…covered 〃run〃
attached to a coop occupied by the youngest goslings。 A couple of
bottles and a box stood by his side； and I should think he had administered
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a cup of sweet oil； a pint of paraffin； and a quarter of a pound of tobacco
during his clinic。 He had used the remedies impartially； sometimes
giving the paraffin internally and rubbing the patient's head with tobacco
or oil； sometimes the reverse。
Several goslings leaned languidly against the netting； or supported
themselves by the edge of the water…dish； while others staggered and
reeled about with eyes half closed。
It was Mrs。 Heaven who caught her son red…handed； so to speak。 She
was dressed in her best； and just driving off to Woodmucket to spend a day
or two with her married daughter； and soothe her nerves with the uproar
incident to a town of six hundred inhabitants。 She delayed her journey a
half…hourlong enough； in fact； to change her black silk waist for a loose
sacque which would give her arms full and comfortable play。 The joy
and astonishment that greeted the Square Baby on his advent； five years
ago； was forgotten for the first time in his brief life； and he was treated
precisely as any ordinary wrongdoer would have been treated under the
same circumstances； summarily and smartly； the 〃wepping；〃 as Phoebe
would say； being Mrs。 Heaven's hand。
All but one of the goslings lived； like thousands of others who recover
in spite of the doctors； but the Square Baby's interest in the healing art is
now perceptibly lessened。
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
CHAPTER XIV
July 18th。
The day was Friday； Phoebe's day to go to Buffington with eggs and
chickens and rabbits； her day to solicit orders for ducklings and goslings。
The village cart was ready in the stable； Mr。 and Mrs。 Heaven were in
Woodmucket； I was eating my breakfast （which I remember was an egg
and a rasher） when Phoebe came in； a figure of woe。
The Square Baby was ill； very ill； and would not permit her to leave
him and go to market。 Would I look at him？ For he must have dowsed
'imself as well as the goslings yesterday； anyways he was strong of
paraffin and tobacco； though he 'ad 'ad a good barth。
I prescribed for Albert Edward； who was as uncomfortable and
feverish as any little sinner in the county of Sussex； and I then promptly
proposed going to Buffington in Phoebe's place。
She did not think it at all proper； and said that； notwithstanding my
cotton gown and sailor hat； I looked quite； quite the lydy； and it would
never do。 〃I cannot get any new orders；〃 said I； 〃but I can certainly leave
the rabbits and eggs at the customary places。 I know Argent's Dining
Parlours； and Songhurst's Tea Rooms； and the Six Bells Inn； as well as you
do。〃
So； donning a pair of Phoebe's large white cotton gloves with open…
work wrists （than which I always fancy there is no one article that so
disguises the perfect lydy）； I set out upon my travels； upborne by a lively
sense of amusement that was at least equal to my feeling that I was doing
Phoebe Heaven a good turn。
Prices in dressed poultry were fluctuating； but I had a copy of The
Trade Review； issued that very day； and was able to get some idea of
values and the state of the market as I jogged along。 The general
movement； I learned； was moderate and of a 〃selective〃 character。
Choice large capons and ducks were in steady demand； but I blushed for
my profession when I read that roasting chickens were running coarse；
staggy； and of irregular value。 Old hens were held firmly at sixpence；
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The Diary of a Goose Girl
and it is my experience that they always have to be； at whatever price。
Geese were plenty； dull； and weak。 Old cocks；why don't they say
roosters？declined to threepence ha'penny on Thursday in sympathy with
fowls；and who shall say that chivalry is dead？ Turkeys were a trifle
steadier； and there was a speculative movement in limed eggs。 All this
was illuminating； and I only wished I were quite certain whether the
sympathetic old roosters were threepence ha'penny apiece； or a pound。
Everything happened as it should； on this first business journey of my
life； which is equivalent to saying that nothing happened at all。
Songhurst's Tea Rooms took five dozen eggs and told me to bring six
dozen the next week。 Argent's Dining Parlours purchased three pairs of
chickens and four rabbits。 The Six Bells found the last poultry somewhat
tough and tasteless； whereupon I said that our orders were more than we
could possibly fill； still I hoped we could go on 〃selling them；〃 as we
never liked to part with old customers； no matter how many new ones
there were。 Privately； I understood the complaint only too well； for I
knew the fowls in question very intimately。 Two of them were the
runaway rooster and the gadabout hen that never wanted to go to bed with
the others。 The third was Cannibal Ann。 I should have expected them to
be tough； but I cannot believe they were lacking in flavour。
The only troublesome feature of the trip was that Mrs。 Sowerbutt's
lodgers had suddenly left for London and she was unable to take the four
rabbits as she had hoped； but as an offset to that piece of ill…fortune the
Coke and Coal Yard and the Bicycle Repairing Rooms came out into the
street； and； stepping up to the trap； requested regular weekly deliveries of
eggs and chickens； and hoped that I would be able to bring them myself。
And so； in a happy frame of mind； I turned out of the Buffington main
street； and was jogging along homeward； when a very startling thing
happened； namely； a whole verse of the Bailiff's Daughter of Islington：…
〃And as she went along the high road； The weather being hot and dry；
She sat her down upon a green bank； And her true love came riding by。〃
That true lovers are given to riding by； in ballads； I know very well；
but I hardly supposed they did so in real life； especially when every
precaution had been taken to avert such a catastrophe。 I had told the
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Barbury Green postmistress； on the morning of my arrival； not to give the
Thornycroft address to anybody whatsoever； but finding； as the days
passed； that no one was bold enough or sensible enough to ask for it； I
haughtily withdrew my prohibition。 About this time I began sending
envelopes； carefully addressed in a feigned hand； to a certain person at the
Oxenbridge Hydro。 These envelopes contained no word of writing； but
held； on one day； only a bit of down from a hen's breast； on another； a
goose…quill； on another； a glossy tail…feather； on another； a grain of corn；
and so on。 These trifles were regarded by me not as degrading or
unmaidenly hints and suggestions； but simply as tests of intelligence。
Could a man receive tokens of this sort and fail to put two and two
together？